Polishing up a new version of this little site. I want to get back into it. Too much time passes too quickly when I don't journal and reflect and the older I get, the faster this effect speeds things up. And I am definitely getting older.
Had a nice day out yesterday. Saw the new Naked Gun film early (funny coincidence, the audience was mostly old women) and it was a lot of laughs though I made a bad decision getting a bubblegum flavored slushie. The theater around here is really enjoyable. It looks like it's abandoned from the outside and on the inside it looks like it hasn't been updated since the 2000s but has been very nicely maintained. It has those recliner seats and they work great and are always clean.
Later on we visited a curious looking place I'd seen riding past a few times, a little independently owned "museum" that was just some old guy's personal collection of historical items, fossils, and other oddities. It was pretty impressive, he had certified fragments of what was supposed to be pieces of Mercury and the moon that had made it to earth. Also a supposedly authentic cuneiform tablet (what I wouldn't give to have my own).
We finished off the day by popping into a couple of the overlooks in Payne's Prairie. Didn't see anything from the boardwalk (pretty much never do) but there were some horses near the visitor's center including some babies.
I hard into a new video game for the first time in ages - Breath of the Wild. I blasted through it on regular mode so quick, including all the side content, for the first time I'm trying a Master Mode on a Zelda game. Right now I'm struggling with the combat trials and they are frustrating me so badly it actually gave me the motivation to finish working on this site.
I guess it's finally time for a journal update, even though I'm at work and on the clock.
It's been a while.
I've been at my new management position for a little while, 9 months now. It's been ok, definitely the least stressful job I've had as an adult. There's a LOT of downtime and that's nice but it is ultimately a dead-end job. No opportunity for growth and no real benefits. Pay is ok but I'm not saving nearly as much as I like.
I'm still feeling kind of lost in life. Maybe lost isn't the right word. It feels like I'm trapped in some weird invisible bubble. Like the online algorithms have me trapped. Pretty much all the same complaints I've had for the past few years and I just don't know how to find my way out of this fog.
I'm still hopelessly addicted to scrolling social media so that's obviously making things harder. I cannot stay away from the dumpster fire that is reddit no matter how hard I try. I've tried looking for alternatives but nothing else scratches the itch.
I can break myself away to do things like play video games (I'm almost done with Breath of the Wild, and as always with video games I'm several years late to the party) or watch TV while I crochet. But as far as making good creative use of my free time I am just... not doing it. I started fiddling with a new layout of this site and an overhaul of my feminism website. I'm not proud to admit I used AI for the latter because digging up the statistics/info I want feels impossible with the current state of search engines. I'm suspicious Google and others have allowed the utility of search engines diminish in order to push AI as a universal tool.
What's funny about my creative slump is that I have so many raw ideas and rough drafts I don't NEED to come up with anything new. But I still can't get over my mental block of cringing over my own writing. It's so strange because I have no problem rereading my journal entries. But my fiction and nonfiction? I can't get the "who do you think you are? You're not a writer, you're a nobody" voice in my head to shut up, even when I remind myself that anyone can be a writer and it's like the one art form where there's almost no floor on how bad something can be and still becomes popular.
I also still get compliments on my voice from random strangers and told I should do something with it. Seems easy but the one time I tried reading a book aloud and recording it for practice, just the act of doing that make me feel almost crippled from embarrassment and self consciousness (and why??? I was alone an had no intention of uploading it anywhere).
Maybe I'd benefit from those super cheesy self kindness practices like complimenting myself in the mirror. I feel like I've got a positive view of myself and I like myself ok, but when I look at what I just wrote in those previous paragraphs I can't deny that I obviously still have issues.
I tried making a new friend recently and that didn't work out. It was definitely a big chance - it was a woman my age who had come into my job and we found we had a little bit of common interest so we exchanged numbers and discussed going on a walk. She had kind of a weird vibe and apparently got so overwhelmed over exchanging numbers that she teared up a bit an apologized a bunch. Being a socially anxious weirdo myself I didn't want to be judgey. We met at a park and hung out for a couple hours just walking and talking and I found I had the same issue I've always run into making friends - she dominated like 90+% of the conversation. She even winded herself by talking so much a couple of times. I tried making space for myself in the conversation and she did ask me a couple questions about myself but then immediately steered to conversation back to herself. And most of it was trauma dumping and pushing me to come to a silent disco with her when I very politely made it clear that isn't my scene. I could have been down with the trauma dumping but she seemed weirded out or offended if I tried to relate or delve into the feelings aspect. It was just a straight hour of being bombarded with Bummer Facts. She offered me a ride home and I took her up on it. I feel bad about it but I ghosted her texts after that, I just didn't know how to tell her that spending time with her was draining and not fun and I never want to do it again (then again, her texts were mostly about herself and things I didn't even know how to respond to since I barely know her).
I want friends, specifically female friends, but I can't deal with the all-take-no-give types. That's the exact relationship I have with my mom and sister and I can only handle them in very small doses a couple times a year or less.
For a while I thought I had a personality that was attracting these types but nowadays I think it's just the direction humanity is taking in general. My boyfriend apparently has lost touch with people over the same issue.
And I guess that's my big life issue right now. I was spoiled for so long with human communication - I had interesting people to talk to at work every day and I had all these places online I could go for high quality discussions about everything imaginable. Now I'm alone for 90% of my work day and every social media platform I use is full of toxic stupidity and I cannot resist rage-gaging with it, even knowing I'm probably talking to a bot.
So. Here I am. 3 hours and 20 minutes from the end of my shift, just waiting for the day to be over. At first I was making really good use of my downtime - reading and watching documentaries while I crochet. I even had fantasies of making jewelry while I'm here to sell on the side or some other kind of "side hustle". But now? I just scroll.
Things are pretty good otherwise. Both my cats are in pretty good health for their age and they both seem so happy all the time. It is so hard to leave in the morning because Miss Kitty always wants to get in as many pets as she can before I go. I don't know what I'm good do when she's finally gone, it's gonna leave such a massive hole in my life and heart. But I'm just lucky I've gotten to have this much time with her and I gotta make the best of it.
I've had ideas for trying to pry my brain out of lethargy, I just have to do it. I have so many strong, angry opinions about media I've thought about writing reviews for all of them just for my own record/enjoyment. It's probably a good idea.
Getting out for more exercise would probably also help but I've been dropping weight and now I'm back to being really skinny again. Of course this means I have less energy and feel dumber. It's also hot as the devil's dick outside and twice as humid so going outdoors is super gross. I walk a mile to and from work every day so that's as much as I can bare right now. On a neat note, I did calculate that I've walked at least 10,000 miles just traveling to and from work over my lifetime.
I've also seriously been considering attempting the Florida Trail but I have to keep my weight up consistently and go see a doctor, and I have accomplished neither. My heart has also been beating too fast lately at weird times so that's probably not good (almost certainly due to caffeine and marijuana consumption but I have no desire to quit either).
Drying out would probably do me a lot of good, both substance-wise and digitally. A few months back I did an Abstinence Day - no screens, no drugs, no junk food, just bland healthy foods and tea and irl physical hobbies. I was successful and it made me feel so good I promised myself I'd do it once a week. Naturally that means I never did it again.
It's funny. I have all this free time to just think about what I want and now I feel like I'm waiting something but I don't know what, whereas before it felt like I had this unstoppable force driving me but not enough time to dedicate to my goals. Whatever spiritual funk I'm in has got to be connected to my inability to get hyperfocused on anything like I used to (though I came close with botw). Well, here's to hoping that getting back into journaling will help.
Oh yeah and I miss microblogging. Debating on whether I'm gonna add one to here or just join bluesky. I miss old Twitter and LiveJournal :(