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2024

23 MAY 2024

Feeling: happy AND cranky
Listening to: Workaholics

I've got my first shift at the craft store looming ahead of me, I gotta get ready in just an hour. And I want to cry like a toddler. It's a short(ish) shift so hopefully it goes by quick.

I got into the groove HARD with web stuff. I had a random idea for a new layout for my personal site (I've made several new ones I have no intention of using any time soon, I just keeping having inspiration so I go for it) and I love the way it turned out. And that, in turn, made me feel motivated to finally go back and start cleaning house on my feminist website's content for an overhaul. Everything is coming out great, I'm so happy. I pulled up the very first (very rough) version of it that I made a few years back to compare to what I'm working on now, and I've made an awful lot of progress. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty proud of myself.

Now I just need my gerdderm appetite to return to me. I've been sitting here with a BLT bagel for a couple of hours now and can't find the desire to actually eat it. It's so unfair.
1:00pm

21 MAY 2024

Feeling: better
Listening to: sweet gentle silence

Well it's done. I'm officially employed again with a schedule and all that shit. This place has also given me a schedule that isn't exactly consistent with what we discussed - I'm only working like 2 days a week to start, but whatever. That gives me time to figure out what the hell else I'm going to do while I at least get a little money on the side.

And now I'm free all day today, tomorrow, and the morning after before I have to go in for my first shift. So I REALLY need to figure out something to do besides doomscrolling.

And, kinda big news for me, I haven't had caffeine in like four days! It might actually be longer, I was avoiding drinking it while I was going into the hardware store to work because the combination of heat and anxiety just made it seem pointless. Then the heat sickness made me not want any. Hmmm perhaps I should celebrate this little period of free time with some iced coffee!
12:51pm

Feeling: weird
Listening to: Broad City

Man can't believe it's been so long already since my last update. I guess that's what work does.

I got my first job at a hardware store after my long sabbatical and already quit. Things there never got better, only worse, and it really seemed like no one in the entire store gave a fuck about me or anyone else, really. The last straw was when I went to buy some plants on a big discount from my job and the cashier rang them up wrong so I didn't get the whole discount. I didn't even use the discount card I got from the place before it went straight in the trash.

I weirdly feel kinda guilty. I COULD have done more to tell my new bosses I was unhappy and wasn't getting what I needed, but I felt blown off when I tried. So I got another job nearby, then went into this one and kind of angrily quit on the spot with one of the managers I'd hadn't even really dealt with. Then sent them an email kind of detailing what I thought was shitty about the experience, including calling out one guy by name multiple times. But, like, come on. It's so fucked up to leave a candidate sitting waiting for nearly an hour and then not even really apologize for wasting their unpaid time.

It's funny that I feel guilty at all, considering how up-in-arms I get about workers rights. It really is like there's two wolves inside me - one never got my parents' approval and now seeks it out from other perceived sources of authority no matter the pain, and the other is the ghost of Vladimir Lenin.

UGH. THOSE FUCKS BETTER PAY ME MY LAST CHECK!!!! I didn't screenshot my timecard before they separated me in the system and kicked me out, but I wrote them down and I know I'm on camera in the store so if they deny it all I have to do is make a claim. I really hope they don't pull that, though.

I found another part time position at a nearby craft store and it still isn't really what I want and pays way too little, at least I won't be around potentially dangerous equipment. That other job was just so miserable so quickly.

Oh yeah, and I got heat sickness after my last shift at the hardware store. There was literally no one watching us in the lawn and garden and despite taking frequent breaks and drinking tons of water, when I got home I felt horrible and nauseaus and dizzy. I puked up the single apple I'd had for lunch and ton of bile, showered, then spent the rest of the night shivering and sweating in bed while occassionally going back to the bathroom to dry heave. I'm sure I was working harder than I should have been, but it was hard to tell, I'm so used to hiking in the same exact kind of heat.

Whatever. I spent 12 years in a dysfunctional business trying my best to improve the place every single day I was there. And it was still a shitshow when I left because I'm only one person and a business is a team effort. It's clear the hardware store I quit was dysfunctional top to bottom and it's not up to me to save them from themselves. And despite trying my very best to maintain a good attitude, I was dreading going in right away. Fuck em.

I have to go in for the new one at noon but they're at least going to keep me at lower hours so it should be much, much more bareable. The hardware store was immediately trying to throw me at 5 days a week with some shifts at 9 days despite being hired at part time, like what the fuck is that???

If anything I should be jazzed and happy and celebrating. Another employer tried to treat me poorly, I didn't let them, I sent an email explaining why they suck and pissed me off, and I quit and left them holding the hot potato they had tried to toss into my lap. Scheduling me at more hours than I want because you're short staffed? Guess what? Now you're even MORE short staffed!

Yet instead I feel like kind of a dick. UGH.

Maybe I'll feel better once I finish my paperwork and am technically employed once again. And maybe part of these bad feelings are just the uncertainty of whether I'm going to get my last check or not.

I also hate that going back to work has definitely triggered in me the same emotions/habits I had when I was working myself to death in Miami, despite the conditions not being the same. ALL I have done since my first real day working is scroll reddit between shifts and wait for the next time I have to get ready to go in. It's BAD.

In other news, my boyfriend had to get emergency dental surgery yesterday. We'd gone on a walk Friday evening, I really wanted to show him the new little trail I'd found at the end of a utility access road, but when we were nearly there he stopped in his tracks because he got a sudden tooth pain. I'm proud to say my witch doctor knowledge helped get him through the weekend (in depth brushing, xylitol gum, ibuprofen, and orajel) and we managed to find him an appointment for first thing Monday morning at a nearby clinic. They were AMAZING, so nice and clean, and they gave the poor man a root canal and wisdom tooth extraction all at once. I played nurse to him all day afterward which was definitely nice because I got to return the favor for all the times he's done it for me when I've been sick.
8:28am

12 MAY 2024

Feeling: cranky but trying not to be
Listening to: Metalocalypse

Been a mixed past few days. I had my first day at my new job on Friday, just orientation. It was a bit of a drag but not too bad. I have to go back in tomorrow and it's such a sad feeling to know I have that looming ahead of me when I wake up once again.

On Thursday I tried to just keep myself busy so I wouldn't sit at home and spiral out. I went to Serenola early with my big chunky camera to get some practice, assuming morning time would be good there. What a mistake that was. It was more bugs than even I could stand, there were so many full webs over the trail I kept walking through. I literally had spiders dripping off my elbows and purse. And I got pelted across my entire body with a swarm of some kind of flying bug. I also realized that park is a terrible place for photography, every time I stopped to take a photo I had ticks crawl up my legs. I switched it up in the afternoon and went to Sweetwater Wetlands which is normally kind of a drag because it's so well paved, but it was perfect for practicing with my camera.

Saturday I had a lazy day and just hung out at the apartment. I tried a weed brownie my boyfriend got me from a coworker. I've always had really weird results with edibles and I finally figured out what it is - they just take a weirdly long time to hit me. I ate one half at noon, felt nothing, at the second half at 2pm, then I felt them hit me at full force finally at around 8pm. Naturally I knocked out not long after, but I at least got a couple hours enjoying a really intense body high.

Today I saw the weather was a little nicer - instead of a clear sky with an angry sun, it was overcast and cool/windy. I practically ran outside to go for a long walk, I wasn't even sure where I was going when I left. I initially headed towards the park the local university uses for natural science class labs, but traffic that direction seemed heavy and I wasn't in the mood to see lots of people so I turned around and headed into my neighborhood. I decided to check out a utility road I'd seen last week and I'm so glad I did. I got some great pictures and it was a really nice feeling of more off-the-grid exploration (even though it was obviously a path maintained by the city). The place had weird little side paths and just open areas to explore, and I finally found some ripe dewberries! I came back to the apartment to cool off and get water then headed off for the other utility road that connects to Serenola which also provided some fun exploring, included a bonus tiny road that led through a far corner of the preserve (not accessible from the main paths).

It felt so good to see some new sights and get some new pictures of species to ID. I'm up to like 75ish in my little flora & fauna section of my website.

And now it's time for bed, and then get up and go to work :( :( :( BUT I HAVE TO RALLY! I MUST BE STRONG!!! I AM A BEAST!!!!!!

For real though if this place is as bad as my last job I'll just quit, I don't care if I don't have another job lined up. Never again!!!!
11:12pm

6 MAY 2024

Feeling: stiff
Listening to: Curb Your Enthusiasm

I've gotten a hell of a lot of exercise over the past couple of days. Like 2-3 miles the night before last walking around the neighborhood with my boyfriend (we didn't find any dewberries but there's honeysuckle!), at least 5 miles yesterday at Serenola Park together, and today I took a solo trip to San Felasco (which I'd been dying to go back to) and did at least another 8 miles.

I got a notification that my background check is completed and that I need to wait to hear back from my potential employer to find out whether the job is mine. SIGH. My endless summer is finally ending.

My boyfriend was sweet enough to cook for me so now I'm full of steak and potatoes and butter.

8:32pm

5 MAY 2024

Feeling: stiff
Listening to: Broad City

Yesterday got off to an interesting and unique start. My cats did their usual routine of yowling before we got up, but this time our big male jumped into but with us and brought a treat wrapper (which he had dug out of the trash) with him in his mouth while chattering. Made me wonder if it was his attempt to try to communicate to us that he's yelling because he's hungry. Of course at time I was just mad as shit. He's a clever boy, though.

8:06am

3 MAY 2024

Feeling: anxious
Listening to: Bojack Horseman

I drank a little water and I think I'm just massively dehydrated. That tracks with the beast of a headache I had last night before bed.

And I love my cats but the way they scream at the top of their lungs a full hour before every meal is making me want to launch them into the sun.
1:13pm

Ommmmggggg I gotta force myself to get up, get myself cleaned up, and do the chores around the apartment. I'm just in SUCH a funky friggin mood today.
12:52am

2 MAY 2024

Feeling: disapppointed
Listening to: Bojack Horseman

This whole job seeking process hasn't been what I was expecting, and I didn't set my expectations all that high. I got a VERY sloppy text last night at, like, 9pm offering me the job and asking me to come in for a drug test. I arrived this morning to find they'd double scheduled me with another young woman and we sat making chitchat (everyone here is SO NICE) and waited for AGES. Hiring manager shows up 20 minutes late and takes her first, and I wait until nearly an hour past the time I was originally scheduled. At this point I was obviously irate. But I also just need something, so it's not like I'm going to say no to this one, but I am going to keep looking. This place already feels as trashy and poorly run as my last job and I'm so sick of that. On the plus side, they assigned me a position that's suited for workaholics and involves a lot of manual labor so that's good. I love getting paid to exercise.

I finally slogged my way through the background check website (I can't BELIEVE I had to do my own background check, wtf is THAT?!) and accepted the offer, so it's all done. Unless they want to reject me for smoking legal weed, I should be employed soon.

And now I'm SO AGITATED. My body is full of rage hormones it pumped out while I angrily sat waiting. I wouldn't be nearly so mad if I wasn't previously a hiring manager myself, I'd be mortified to do that to a candidate. I don't even think I got a proper apology. Well whatever. Fuck him. The only reason I'm not just going straight out for a hike to blow off steam is because it's now a million degrees outside with 100% humidity, as it will stay for the next 4-5 months :( I had an extra sweaty walk home and now I'm just sitting here, seething.

I think I'll play some Mario Kart.
11:31am

1 MAY 2024

Feeling: dumb
Listening to: American Dad

Ugh. I had my interview this morning and I don't think I did good. Like, I made it clear I'm an attractive candidate in all the technical ways, but on a personality-level I definitely was overly nervous and word vomit-y and said some things that could be perceived in a negative. I'm pretty disappointed, I was hoping I'd nail it (I always got complements on how well I interview) and it would be a one-and-done deal. I am RUSTY.

I've been grinding away at myself since I got back at like 9:30am. I should really relax a bit. The guy that interviewed me definitely did stuff during the process that I know, as someone who has been the one conducting interviews enough times myself, he was not supposed to do. Like leave me sitting there for almost 5 minutes while he got the paperwork for the interview ready in front of me, and start the interview like 10 minutes late. Either way I need to hit the job listings again and see if there's any other attractive ones.

I'm already sick of this layout. I'm cooking up a different one. I also ordered myself some food because I need a consolation sandwich after my lackluster performance. Next interview, I need to make sure I actually eat breakfast and stick to one cup of coffee instead of 2-3.
1:43pm

28 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: triumphant
Listening to: Family Guy

I finally, FINALLY, F I N A L L Y got back into the fiction writing groove. GOD. I fantasized so many times about getting a bunch of time off and using it to write full time, then I finally got an extended period not having to work and I got writers block and scrolled reddit the entire time. And now, at the end, I'm out of it.

Last night I shat out some very rough writing. Just some changes/additions to a scifi worldbuilding exercise I started, like, 7 years ago then abandoned. Nothing particularly good. Then today, I got on a roll messing with my Choose Your Own Adventure site and I've been at it for hours. I'm so pleased with how it's turning out.

The welt/cyst/bugbite on my hip is back to being extra puffy and red, I think I was getting ahead of myself by thinking it was getting better. I really gotta make a doctor's appointment.
7:03pm

Current Mood: breezy
Listening to: The White Lotus

I got perrrrrfect sleep last night. I think I'm finally starting to settle in this new city. I'm realizing part of the reason I couldn't relax at first was because I had this kind of subconscious fear that it was all suddenly going to disappear and I was going to be back in Miami working in that madhouse. But my brain is accepting, at last, that this is the new normal.

I've been here since August or September and I still constantly stop to appreciate how different it is here, and how much better life is. The other day while I was in Serenola hiking, I stopped in the middle of the trail because I suddenly remembered how miserable I'd been walking to work every day, desperately wishing I could escape into nature. How I used to feel pinned-in from all the buildings so close together, and how I would feel like I couldn't get enough air. And now there's a trail I can walk to any time I want.

I started on a new layout for my feminism site for the first time in a year. I feel bad I dropped the ball with it (about a year ago exactly, but it was understandable considering how stressed I was at the time). I don't know what to do with it now, the ezine format was very difficult to maintain alone and it seemed like I could never clean up all my typos before posting. I have some essay ideas... idk.

The welt on my hip is less red today. More blistery, but less red, so maybe that's good? My boyfriend has a friend who's a dermatologist and he was able to at least put my mind at ease that I don't need to go running to emergency care. And I also found out lyme disease is curable??? I grew up thinking it was this incurable nightmare disease that slowly turns your brain to goo. But I also grew up thinking the best way to deal with them is to burn them with a lighter or cover them with vasoline (both of which will increase one's chances of catching lyme disease while doing nothing to remove the tick).

I've been really productive with creative hobbies and hiking the past few days and I've got a job interview next week, I think I've earned some video game time.
8:42am

27 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: slightly panicked
Listening to: The Politician

I soaked in the bath as hot as I could stand, slathered the area in neosporin, and sat around googling pictures of chigger and tick bites. It could be either, or neither. It's really hard to tell but it's definitely not a normal giant zit. I REALLY hope my boyfriend got me successfully added to his insurance because I want to make a doctors appointment ASAP.

I'm gonna try to not just sit around freaking out. I've done everything I can, I won't know more until I consult an expert.
10:41am

I was having another chill morning until I noticed a weird welt on my hip. After some searching around online, it's possibly an embedded tick or chigger. I'm filling up a bath right now. It's weird, because it's really swollen and I didn't notice anything yesterday, and It's been three days now since I was last outside.

Here's to hoping it's just, like, a cyst or something. But it's got a valley in the middle and putting pressure on it is easily breaking blood vessels sooooo I'm pretty worried.
10:04am

25 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: extra lazy
Listening to: my cat snoring next to me

I wore myself the fuck out yesterday. I walked from Sweetwater to La Chua and back again. I need some way to track my mileage accurately via gps (google suuuucks), but according to the park maps I walked at least 13-14 miles. I got out there at like 11:45am and didn't leave until just after 6pm. I was aaaching by the end. I was hoping to see armadillos come out for the evening, like I had last time I was in that park around sundown, but sadly they didn't show before exhaustion and need to pee set in (that park has no portajohns and the trees are waaaaaay too spread out to pop a squat).

I had it in my head I was still going to have time to do a little drawing/painting before bed but instead I ate a ton of Texmex delivery food and passed out on the couch.

All that probably explains my weird stress dreams last night. First I was riding passenger in an SUV with the actress Retta while she wove in and out of traffic like a crazy Miami driver. Then I arrived at a coffee/food service job where I'd recently been hired as a keyholder (it was, like, a submanager job? does such a position even exist or did my sleep-brain invent that?). I hadn't started yet, but they were understaffed and wanted me to jump in. I couldn't because I was in flipflops and those aren't food-safe footwear, so I went on a mission to find shoes as fast as I could.

My boyfriend safely arrived home yesterday while I was out. He offered to come pick me up in the rental car and I felt a little bad declining but I never want to leave when I'm out there.

I'm really glad I actually pushed myself physically yesterday. Pretty much all my other walks ended when I was out of water, not out of energy. But now, this morning, I don't want to move. I must though.

I need more coffee.
10:27am

23 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: lazy
Listening to: Good Girls

I hit an unexpected productivity streak at the end of my night. I cleaned, added my last hike to my hiking blog and added a new page for the latest park I've been going to, and uploaded my new layout. It was partly because it was so weird to have the apartment all to myself this late at night.

NOW I'm sleepy.
11:54pm

I definitely did not go back out. After bathing, eating, and wrapping myself in a blanket on the couch I craaaaashed and I've been dicking around online and watching Netflix garbage ever since. It's been super cozy.

My boyfriend arrived safely down south, he'll be driving back early tomorrow. Soooo that means I'll probably head to a park again tomorrow! I can go to my usual favorite spot walking between Sweetwater and La Chua and spend the day out there. Maybe. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.
8:56pm

Current Mood: worried
Listening to: Never Have I Ever

My boyfriend left early this morning to go visit his friend in Miami. I'm sure he'll be fine, but him driving alone on the interstate makes me nervous. Not even because he's a relatively new driver, but because interstate speeds are so dangerous.

I left not long after he did to give the nearby park full of ticks another try, since it was earlier in the day and colder out when I left (it was in the high 50s this morning). Sadly it started warming up as soon as the sun came up, the temperature jumped up 5 degrees just while I was walking.

The park was really nice. I was feeling super gung ho about going to another park as soon as I got back, but of course now that I've bathed (even if I wanted to go out and keep sweating it up, it'd be messed up to get in an uber potentially covered in ticks) and eaten I'm reconsidering. I'm going to see how I feel after some coffee. I checked, even if I get a late start, the parks are supposed to be open until 8pm so I'll have hours out there.
1:38pm

22 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: hungry
Listening to: American Dad

I think I'm liking this new layout, definitely more than the last couple. I also did more experimenting with watercolors, somewhat unsuccessfully. After a little reading I'm realizing a big part of my problem is probably the cheap pallet of watercolor cakes I'm using. I need to crack into the expensive ones and stop being a miser with them, they're just going to go bad if I keep sitting on them without using them. I also realized some other basic mistakes I've been making, but that's all part of the learning process.

I volunteered to make dinner so now I need to get up and start making spaghetti. Oh yeah, and I gotta remember to walk my neighborhood to look for blackberry brambles, they should be ripening in this area soon.
6:49pm

Current Mood: chipper
Listening to: my cats howl in anticipation of lunchtime

Last night I had so much fun playing with watercolors. I just drew a bunch of circles then filled them in with random colors and it was incredibly satisfying just watching the colors bleed and swirl. I gotta actually learn some techniques beyond my fuzzy memories of middle and high school art classes. It got right back into this morning. I finished my first piece then started on a landscape I penciled onto watercolor paper (who knows how long ago) but never painted, and it was going pretty damn good UNTIL I accidentally spilled my water cup all over my paper. That felt pretty bad.

After that I switched over to playing with some webdesign. I threw on Wine Country to watch in the background and it was pretty good. I'm craving more entertainment and stories that deal with women at mid life and older. It's hard to articulate what I've been feeling lately. I don't feel bad about getting older or resent the process, on the contrary I'm glad to have escaped the status of Young Woman and all the baggage and unwanted attention that comes with being perceived as a resource (whether its sexual, reproductive, etc). But it does feel more apparent how little media focuses on middle aged women in any role other than as a domestic/mother one or Unhappy Spouse. There's still a lot in those stories I can relate to as a woman, but a lot also isn't applicable to me. I don't have kids, I don't want kids, and I don't regret not having them. I feel grateful that my free time is my own to do whatever I want with. But I'm definitely on a road not frequently traveled and I'm looking for guide posts or signs of other hikers and feeling... very untethered.

I keep thinking about my on-hiatus feminism site because I don't know what to do with it. Maybe I'll rework it and center it around my "journey" (I hate that lingo but I can't think of a better way to phrase it) of aging as a childfree woman entering her 40s. I have some tv show analysis ideas I've been toying with, too.
11:48pm

21 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: motivated
Listening to: The IT Crowd

Finally got an interview set up! But it isn't until the May 1 which feels like ages away. I also had an ok phone conversation with my sister recently which is at least a positive step, better than just never talking.

I did a couple more new drawings, including a portrait of my old lady cat. I'm not crazy about how it turned out, it was my first time attemping fur with marker AND her fur is black. I gotta try again with pencil.

It's been good to feel consistently up and productive again. Last night I dreamed about doing painting with watercolors. I gotta give that a whack before I pass out.
9:20pm

20 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: just plain happy
Listening to: Seinfeld

My boyfriend and I went to Payne's Prairie again today, but a different entrance. I think we've hit up every section of the park but one now. And we FINALLY saw the bison and horses! I was sad to find out they intentionally keep the group to only 7-11 members and cull any extras which seems, like, insane. But they looked chill out there, relaxing in the grass in the distance together with the wild horses.

We were out there for a few hours then came back, washed up vigorously, and played some Magic. A tick crawled across the picnic throw we were playing on, who knows if we brought it home today or if it hitched back on my boots last week but damn I gotta make sure we're checking ourselves.

Yesterday I started and finished a drawing in one setting. It's been ages since the last time I did that. Nothing amazing or super original, just an abstract doodle based on some I'd seen on pinterest.

And still no callbacks on my job applications!
6:30pm

18 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: less anxious
Listening to: Good Girls

DONE.

I doubt they'll even read it since I didn't meet a prerequisite and therefor probably won't pass prescreening, but I shot my shot. I also moved my hiking blog to its own url on neocities.

I also got another automatic notification from a different job I applied to saying their interview schedule is full. I really gotta call them.

Now I'm starving.
6:42pm

Current Mood: kinda anxious
Listening to: tv commercials on pluto

I've had too much coffee and not enough food/water, as usual.

I've yet to get a call back about my job applications, and I've yet to call them to follow up myself. I went on indeed to see if anything new was posted and there is a listing for one that would be a fantasy job for me. I've been working on and overthinking my resume and cover letter for like two hours now. It's a forestry related job and there's TONS of qualified people in this area for work like that, not to mention I don't even have a car/license yet. I'm trying to write a dazzling cover letter to make up for it, despite knowing it probably won't matter. But it's too good to not want to try.

I just want to work outside. I've spent so many years in concrete boxes under flourescent lighting. And I'm pretty much middle aged now. I want to see the sky before I die.

I'm going to sit on this for another hour or two then reread again before sending it through. It's too bad there's no taskrabbit here. I'd shovel poop for minimum wage at this point, as long as I'm not stuck inside experiencing the deepest depths of ennui.
1:28pm

16 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: worn out
Listening to: King of Queens (just letting plutotv run at this point)

So happy I decided to go to the park I did today (Sweetwater Preserve). Already updated my hiking blog with details and pictures.

Before I left I agonized over the decision for more than an hour. I debated, I journaled, I talked outloud about it to my cats, and even flipped a coin. I concluded that I have indecision issues, which I'm aware of, and I'm aware of just how much time I waste because of it. I really gotta let myself chill out and just live.

It's also apparently just tick season in general because I walked away with at least two when I left the park. One crawled out of my hair and onto my forehead while I was filling up the bathtub, that was fun. Hopefully I'm successfully drowning any I bring home on me.

I got another notification from one of the jobs I applied to. I need to hurry up and just get hired.
7:53pm

Current Mood: indecisive
Listening to: Adventure Time

Started scrolling reddit mindlessly while waiting for my phone to charge, and saw a picture of a tick embedded in someone's leg on the entomology sub with people chiming in that they're showing the early symptoms of lyme disease. I'm definitely not going back to Tick City Park today. I was, however, looking on reviews on google maps of a different nearby park and someone said they spotted a family of quail there so I know where I'm going!
9:30am

I got all dressed and ready to go to a park only to notice after that my phone is only at 50%. Definitely not enough to leave with. SIGH.

I'm also having a hard time choosing which park. The one I want to go to most is a $20 uber and 30 minute drive, and I'm getting low on funds. My original intention was to go back to the park I just found that's within walking distance, but there were just so many friggin ticks, I don't know if I really want to go back.

Yesterday I worked on an idea I've been toying with for a food truck. I doubt I'd ever actually go through with it, but I am starting to seriously consider looking into selling the vegan sweet treats I make. The recipes are relatively foolproof and they're so good.
9:14am

15 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: crampy but decent
Listening to: Frasier

Got my period yesterday and it's a bit of a rough one so I'm just chilling out at home. Finally got a layout done for my shrine for my favorite female characters. I don't think I'm ever going to be better than 'ok' at webdesign, but it's still so fun to do as a hobby.

The no-bake vegan cheesecake I made for my boyfriend's birthday came out pretty good after chilling overnight in the refrigerator. I did a ring around the edge with a couple of rows of fresh blueberries and sprinkled sugar on them, it came out really pretty. The flavor is good but the texture still isn't right, it was closer to a custard than a cheesecake. I gotta figure out what to add to make it solidify but also fluff a bit, maybe aquafaba?

I got a notification that one of the jobs I applied to last night. I passed the prescreen for an in-person interview, but their calendar is full. I can't pretend like I'm being super on-the-ball about it, and I'm being honest with my boyfriend that I'm dragging my feet. I don't want to pretend like I'm being a Good Little Worker when I'm being a slack ass big baby about it.

I am determined I am going to try to draw or paint something today. While dicking around on pinterest, I kept running into snippets of people waterpainting, and it always looks so lovely. I also looooove the watercolor backgrounds in 90s anime series. That's all I really want to do - simple pretty landscapes. If I get good enough, I can start trying to do some of the scenery I see out on the trails. There are so many places where it's impossible to capture their beauty in a picture.
9:19am

14 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: groggy as hell
Listening to: birds

There were red cardinals in my dream last night and just now there was one hopping around outside my window!

I really want to believe it's some kind of sign or portent, but I think what it actually means is that there's a friggin LOT of cardinals where I live.
7:26am

13 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: pleased
Listening to: Nora from Queens

Today's my boyfriend's birthday and I've been in the kitchen cooking vegan snacks as his gift for the past few hours. I'm pretty proud of how good I am, though the recipes I'm doing are all pretty simple. I made the same rice krispie treats and chocolate covered peanut butter balls as Christmas but did better on both recipes. I added a tiny pinch of salt and a little vanilla extract to the rice krispie treats. For the balls I actually got the chocolate coating nice and smooth and pretty, topped them with a tiny sprinkle of salt, and put a marshmallow in the center of a few of them. I also made a huge batch of vegan potato salad and bbq tofu for dinner.

We didn't really do much today, he kept insisting he doesn't really want to do anything and I was too tapped out financially from our eclipse trip to plan anything elaborate. We went for a walk around the area and watched some Babylon 5. Next year I intended to do something much better for him.
9:15pm

12 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: tired but a good tired this time
Listening to: The Orville

Thank goodness I opted for the shorter walk around my area. I was out for 3 hours and I'm beat, I was dragging my toes by the time I got in.

It was such a nice walk. I found a tiny nature preserve hiding on the map nearby. It's at the edge of a neighborhood past an elementary school and was only about 45 minutes away on foot. I managed to grab some stray plastic bags blowing around and throw them in the trash. I also saw an older lady on a bus bench feeding a duck bread so I gave her the ziploc of birdseed I keep in my purse.

I definitely feel better now, between the sleep, the exercise, and the time in the trees and sun. Hopefully I got all of the ticks off of me because they were crawling all over me when I was in there.
4:22pm

Current Mood: reborn
Listening to: the sound of the decorative water fountain coming from my bedroom

I FINALLY got a solid night of sleep after the short trip to Arkansas for the eclipse. I couldn't fall asleep in the hotel, I couldn't sleep the night before the trip (too excited), and I couldn't sleep the first two nights after (too tired to sleep???). I feel ALIVE again.

Now that I have energy I'm tempted to just hop in an uber and go to a park. I'm browsing google maps and there are 3 state parks or forests within a 20 minute drive from here. And it's such a lovely day today after the rain/hail/tornado watches.

I do need to deal with laundry, job hunting, and divying up the finances of the trip buuuuut I could definitely do that later. According to the map, the trailhead in Payne's Prairie is only a 10-15 minute trip from here and there was a massive trail in there I wanted to do but had to turn back on because my boyfriend was too tired.

Blah. Maybe I should be more Responsible Adult Person and just go for a short walk around the area, maybe hit up the university nature lab area, then do all the things I know I'm supposed to. Or do I give in to temptation to go tramping through the woods...
8:53am

11 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: still so tired
Listening to: Workaholics

It was a peaceful rainy morning. Finally did some cleaning (though I still need to unpack). I also finally cleaned up my domain for the first time in like two years, also kind of finished up my little Secret of Mana shrine. I spent the day doing tedious little things for my sites yesterday, too, since I was feeling braindead. My hiking site FINALLY has thumbnails for the images, rather than just resized 1000x1000s.

Two cups of coffee this morning and I barely felt it. I probably need water way more than more caffeine. Either way, I'm making more.
1:00pm

10 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: draaaained
Listening to: birds outside

I'm soooooooo tiiiiiired. We had an extra long day driving due to the weather yesterday. We got up at 3:30am and were on the road by 4, but we didn't get back home until almost 8 on what should have been a 12 hour drive. A bigass, multistate storm system rolled in and covered the majority of our drive in rain. At first it was so heavy our visibility on the interstate dropped to, like, nothing. The rest of the cars were carrying on like it was all good but we got the hell out of there and onto the state roads where we could actually see.

Still, it was overall a decent enough drive, and the hills of northern Alabama were crazy beautiful - they had all these wispy clouds hanging directly over the treetops giving them a smokey look. I want to plan a camping trip for that area ASAP, we fell in love with it despite only seeing it through the windows from the road.

I'm also really happy with the planning I did for the trip, everything turned out better than I could have hoped. I had the entire band of the eclipse to choose from and ended up on Paragould, Arkansas. It had one of the last affordable, not-surge-priced motel rooms I could find. It was also a small town and it wasn't going out of its way to advertise for the event which was perfect, as I was hoping to avoid big crowds and all the horrible things that go with them (noise, litter, long lines for everything, scarcity of basic necessities, etc). And it even had a state park >20 minutes from town. The motel was super clean and owned by a really nice family from India and the room had really quirky colorful paint/decorations which I loved. And everyone in the town was so NICE. The public library was even giving away free eclipse glasses, people working at the town pharmacy were nice enough to point us there when we went looking for some.

It's so good to be home. I haven't even unpacked. Last night all I had the energy to do was eat some crackers and take a long bath before passing out on the couch. Then I woke up, chugged two huge bottles of water (I was soooo dehydrated), and went to bed.
10:45am

8 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: fulfilled
Listening to: Blue Bloods

The eclipse was incredible! We got so lucky with the weather - it rained yesterday and it's forecast to rain for the rest of the week, but today was almost totally clear and sunny.

We went to Crowley's Ridge State Park at around 10:30 so we could have time to explore the park and get to experience at least a little nature on this very short trip. It was a pretty small park but the trails were still nice. A lot of people showed up and eventually it got so full they started turning people away so I was super glad we got there early.

After a bit of hiking we were winded and hot so we sat in the rental car with the ac watching Babylon 5 on my phone until the eclipse started happening. Obviously it was a slow process and my boyfriend was super into b5 (he's never seen the whole series) so we just intermittently popped out to stare into the sun with our eclipse glasses until about 20 minutes before totality, when we got out and got comfy on the ground.

The sky started darkening (it was so weird, way different than sunset or sunrise) and there was just a weird FEELING, my boyfriend mentioned feeling almost disoriented. The totality made every hour of the trip worth it. The sky was a dark blue behind it but the eclipsed part of the sun were dead black. And the corona was bigger than I was expecting, some sections were really long. And it was framed by 3 stars (or maybe planets) that became visible.

Even though the crowd was making a lot of excited noise, we could still hear the birds making a ruckus, and the crickets started chirping like it was nighttime! After just a couple minutes it was over.

Some people took off right away but we went back down one of the trails and got a great look at the crescent shadows the leaves were making due to the sun still being mostly eclipsed. And I'm pretty sure we heard birds singing their morning songs.

We're going to get up painfully early tomorrow to drive back. I'm looking forward to being back home with my kitties and my ridiculously comfy bed
7:38pm

7 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: pooped but for real
Listening to: the news on the hotel TV

We're in Arkansas, I kinda can't believe it. Less than a month ago we made plans to do this and now we're actually here! We even managed to secure the last pair of eclipse glasses for sale at the shop we went to here (we're gonna either take turns or cut them in half and watch through one eye).

We drove 12 hours today. Rather, my boyfriend drove and I played copilot. I really gotta get my license again before our next trip so we can take turns. It was a painless ride aside from just how rough it is to be in a car that long.

It was great getting to see the landscape change between states. Part of our route went through the hills that turn into the Appalachian mountains and, coming from a state that's almost totally flat, the views from the road were really impressive. Also got to see soooo many wildflowers along the highways.

And now we're here! The weather is expected to be partially cloudy tomorrow, so it's still possible we won't get to see it, but I'm glad we made the trip to try.
9:53pm

6 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: AGITATED
Listening to: Emily in Paris

I guess getting into another angry pissing match online was good. It really is true that I do my best writing when I get pissed off during an argument. And that is not a good thing. I gotta find a more positive source of drive and inspiration.
2:06pm

I've got to lighten up. I just got so HEATED over an argument on a feminist board. I just get so mad over certain things. And not everything, it's actually not the usual stuff. It's the little things, like no one being able to take a joke. One comment led to me with elevated blood pressure for two straight hours (I can't shitpost about my love of women with swords without someone getting all serious and weird about it).

HOWEVER, I must admit that it led to me writing my best essay on feminism on ages. I was recently reflecting that getting into bitchfights on facebook is what led me to start writing in the first place, where I'd start writing out a long reply and I'd just forget about submitting it and continue it as a lenghty essay on all of my thoughts on whatever the given topic was in a notepad file.

I'm still torn on whether or not to include any of that on my site here. I'm already active in online feminist spaces on other platforms, and one of my biggest critiques of them is that they are so unfun (and I get it, female genital mutilation and femicide aren't exactly lofty topics).

In MUCH MUCH better news, my boyfriend managed to secure the rental car! So the trip is on! I am so paranoid something is going to go wrong, not only because I'm always worried about long trips (there's so many variables!) but because we'll be away from our cats for 3 days. They're set up with food/water/extra litter, and we have pet cams, but I worry. I hate the thought that if something happens to them we'll be hours away from being to help, though I certainly won't be making the mistake of leaving garbage with chicken bones for these bad kitties to tear into!

I still gotta start packing.

And the cats are reminding me it's their lunch time now. Better get to it.
1:04pm

Current Mood: bummed
Listening to: birds outside my window

We made plans to drive to Arkansas and watch the solar eclipse but it looks like our trip is over before we got to begin.

My boyfriend went to pick up the rental car today, since the place is closed tomorrow. But apparently their electronic payment system went down for this entire half of the state and they can't complete the transaction, so no car. And they close early so there's little of the issue getting resolved in time.

I was so excited to get to go see the eclipse I didn't even want to blog about it because I was scared I would jinx myself. Well, seal's off, and so's the trip. :( :( :( I gotta make sure I remember to contact the motel and cancel.

Oh well, maybe another year.

9:23am

5 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: pretty good
Listening to: The Orville

So I spent pretty much my entire day working on a new layout for my site. I am very fond of it, though, so it's been time well spent.

Now I'm going to hop in the bath and I just felt the need to post how happy I am to have that option. I love baths so much, they are so relaxing and make my cold, perpetually-stiff body feel sooooo gooooooooood.

I had to switch to a different background show because Sailor Moon has gotten, like, freaking good at the end of the series and I really want to give it my full attention. I've felt a bit silly binging one of the most visually appealing anime series ever and just keeping it in a background window while I half-listen to it.

Also, my little old kitty just came to sit with me and she is a precious treasure and I love her.
8:02pm

Current Mood: meh
Listening to: Sailor Moon (almost to the end)

I woke up to an unpleasant sight - I neglected to take out the garbage before I went to sleep, and just tied it off instead, and found one of my cats had ripped into it to chew on some fried chicken bones. Now I gotta monitor him for the next couple of days, and to make matters worse we have plans to go out of town for a couple of days on Sunday >:( He better be ok, dammit.

I started working on a new layout for this site for no real reason, I actually like the one that's currently up despite it being nothing special. But hey, new layout!

I haven't heard back from the job I applied to so I'm going to have to follow up with them then probably apply to some different places. I was really hoping this first place would be the one since it's relevant to my interests but whatever, work is work I cannot believe I just typed that. Like yeah, I'm gonna keep looking, but I refuse to go back to the same kind of job that I hated.
5:33pm

4 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: pooped
Listening to: American Dad

Went to the park today at around noon after shitting around the apartment in the morning. It was a good day, we were out there over 3 hours and covered about 6 miles.

It was also exciting because it was the first hike for me to record fresh into my newly finished hiking blog. So glad I can do this for all my future trips, it helps so much with actually remembering the trips in full, rather than just having a collection of random nature pictures.

I want to find the energy to do something productive before bed, like crochet, but I'm just drained. I didn't feel it at first because I didn't eat much during the day and I think the hunger (and coffee and red bull) was keeping me going. Then I ordered some fried chicken and now all I feel like I can do is sit. It's good though, I gotta keep replenishing my calories, I don't want to become underweight again.
9:30pm

3 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: so happy
Listening to: American Dad

I kind of can't believe it. I finally, FINALLY, finished my hiking site AAAND I cleaned out my writing folder. There were two camping trips that I can't remember well enough to create a log for, but that's fine. If I remember later, I can add them. If not, I have all the others down and done (with pictures!)

I've been on a roll lately and I really want to keep it going. It feels so good to get back into the groove after almost a year of either running myself ragged at work or stagnating while off.

Now that I've purged everything that isn't worth working on, I think it'll be easier to put my focus on my stories/essays that are actually worth developing.
11:06pm

Current Mood: annoyed
Listening to: Seinfeld

My peace as been shattered by property maintenance. They've got some weird machine outside and I heard them knock hard on my neighbor's door so I'm sure I'm next.

Now I have to wear my jean shorts instead of my (highly immodest) comfy shorts and put on a flannel to disguise the fact that I'm not wearing a bra.

And now, I wait. Grrrr >:(
1:55pm

Current Mood: vibin, as the young people say
Listening to: Sailor Stars theme (one of my favorite songs of my youth and now I actually get to SEE the show!!!)

Really really nice day so far. I didn't sleep in and I cleaned the apartment nice and early. As I was taking the trash out, I noticed hurricane-like clouds in the sky (as in thick, full of rain, and moving rapidly across the sky) and lo and behond, it's absolutely pouring with a tornado watch. And not just regular heavy rain, this looks like bad movie set rain, like someone is dumping a bucket out over the roof. I fucking LOVE it. There was an adorable tufted titmouse flying around my window a couple days ago and it came back to temporarily seek shelter under the eaves before taking off again.

I added pictures to my camping blog, and added a crochet and jewelry section to my Drawing section, which has been retitled Arts & Crafts. I need much better pictures of my jewelry though because the ones I used are poo.
12:51pm

2 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: so sad (not really, I'm just being dramatic)
Listening to: drums through the wall

I finally did it. I submitted a job application (just one, but as long as it wasn't posted in error I'm a shoo-in and have no doubts I'll get it).

My boyfriend and I have jokingly been referring to my time off as the Summer of Circuitghost, playing off the Seinfeld episode where Costanza is unemployed and calls it the Summer of George. And now, the Summer of Circuitghost is coming to an end :( :( :(

I know I need to get the hell out of the apartment, though. Last night I even dreamed I had a new job (and I specifically dreamed a young coworker finally clued me into where the good online consipracy communities are now, sigh, IF ONLY). It's definitely time.

Now to await a phone call/email.
6:46pm

Current Mood: braindead
Listening to: quiet

Finally going through some of my older writing. It's really hurting my head. I knew that I typed out a lot of stuff while I was so tired after work that I would fall asleep midsentence, jerk awake, and keep going. But it's worse than I thought it would be. With some of it, I don't know what the hell I was trying to say.

I wish I had something stronger than coffee to help me do this.
3:06pm

Current Mood: cheerful
Listening to: Sailor Moon again

I've been stuck for an hour because my sweet old lady cat came to snuggle with me. I'm still in a towel and I haven't even brushed my hair.
11:55am

Went for a really nice morning walk. There was a lot of thick fog, it was super pretty. I always see a lot of blue birds down by the cow pastures and more and more wildflowers are popping up on the road side.

I also passed a row of bushes outside an apartment complex and saw all their leaves were completely gone. At first I thought they'd just been savagely trimmed. I noticed a caterpillar so I went in for a closer look and noticed the bushes were COVERED in little tussock moth caterpillars. The tiny critters absolutely devoured those poor plants.

I also listened to music, which I rarely do anymore. I don't like to wear headphones on nature walks and most of the strolls I take around the neighborhood are with my boyfriend. At home I just keep a tv show running, I really gotta switch it up.

GOD. My male cat just bit me on the frickin head. He always likes to sniff us after we get out of the shower, it's like the scent of the soap gets him worked up, but this time he just sunk his teeth into my scalp. Fucker. It wasn't hard enough to draw blood but damn that hurt.
11:01am

1 APRIL 2024

Current Mood: better
Listening to: Black Books

Turns out eating did make me feel a world better. Who would have thought.

I finished a couple of new sections - one for my cats, and one for my favorite fictional female characters. I can feel my mental cogs turning better but I still feel so dumb. I gotta remember to keep taking my supplements (lion's mane, gingko biloba, and vitamin D) and hopefully they'll help fix me if it is post-covid brain fog or just mental atrophy from a few months of tv and power scrolling.

Now I reeeeeally need to work on my friggin fraggin frickin fracking WRITING. I keep progressing one of my stories in my head but haven't written any of it down. I just daydream about it in bed while waiting to fall asleep every night.
3:03pm

Current Mood: cranky
Listening to: Another Period

Uuuuugghhhhh I'm feeling so not creative right now. I want to work on my stuff, in my heart, but I also don't want to do any of that. Maybe I should just go for a walk, or take a bath. GRrrrrrrrr

Oh, it's probably that I haven't eatern. Perhaps I should do that.
11:34am

Current Mood: chill
Listening to: Another Period

Photoshop installation is complete! Also already did the cleaning (minus the clean laundry I'm still ignoring).

I also tossed together a video playlist of all my favorite comedy shows that I have torrented and set it to shuffle to emulate tv as opposed to streaming. I've done this before and it's always a good idea.

I've been slowly working on a couple of new subsites and I just... I keep getting stuck. And it's because I'm weirdly hesitant to just put my opinion on the screen. Why??? What's my problem? I have opinions on EVERYTHING and many of them are very strong. I really gotta find some way to push through this.
10:25pm

31 MARCH 2024

Current Mood: triumphant
Listening to: even more Sailor Moon

Hooray! My old hard drives worked and I got all the files off of them I might want. A LOT of media files I'm glad I found and a few old pictures.

It's crazy how GOOD my computer feels now that I've got it all tidied up. Like, I didn't realize how much mental energy I was spending just finding the right files. I'd also been in the dumb habit of giving my folders silly names instead of ones that actually accurately describe what's in them. I don't know why I ever thought that was a good idea.

I got most of my cleaning done already. Still need to tackle that goddamn laundry, though. Now shall I do that, or shall I perhaps work on something on the computer that could wait til later? Hmmmmmmmm!!!
12:52pm

Current Mood: grateful
Listening to: more Sailor Moon

Yesterday I finally cleaned out my desk, which was exploding with nonsense. I didn't think I was going to be able to get all my art and makeup supplies organized into it, but I managed to do so with extra room to spare! All my eyeshadow is now taped/hotglued together into a booklet and it's sooo convenient.

I've also been (finally) going through alllll of my old files. Which means deleting thousands upon thousands. I love taking nature pictures, but I hate going through and getting rid of the blurry/bad ones. It's just like weaving in my ends with crochet - I REALLY gotta do it as I go. Though it has been nice going down memory lane. I wish I'd actively journaled all those camping trips at the time I was taking them, but the guy I was dating at the time had such a weird, tense energy it just felt like there was no time to do so because I was always giving him my attention. It's funny, because now seeing him in those pictures, I can see it in his posture - he holds himself so rigidly. Bleh. I don't miss him.

I have two old hard drives ready to be loaded up so I can look through them but the thought of doing so is making me nervous. I'm worried they're not going to work, or dredge up thoughts/feelings I don't want to deal with. But at the same time I wanna seeeeeeeee what's on them!

Watching Sailor Moon has me feeling once again frustrated with modern internet, and I'm realizing how much of it is my own fault. I want to find pictures/information about minor characters, but getting info from regular search engines is just a nightmare because the results are all terrible. I know the fandom wikis try, but they're so cancerous, and weirdly never have the kind of info I'm looking for. But the problem is my approach - I already know search engines and fan wikis are a waste of time, why am I bothering with them at all? I'm certain there's still sailor moon fan sites out there that have what I want, but if I want find them I'm unlikely to be successful using duckduckgo, I gotta click around and dig the old-fashioned way. Alas.

But I gotta keep pushing through with my file sorting. And despite all the deep cleaning I've been doing, I still have a bigass pile of clean laundry looming in the bedroom and I could really stand to organize my Big Box of Wires I've been collecting since the 90s. There's a couple more pages I want to make for my site here, too. Better get up and get to cleaning!
9:51am

29 MARCH 2024

Current Mood: relaxed
Listening to: Sailor Moon

Today has been another super chill day. I finished crocheting the table topper I was working on, power-cleaned the apartment (smells soooo good in here), and took a long hot bath. I came back to find my crochet project, which I left on the floor to dry after I blocked it, had been clawed at furiously by my cat. I was able to repair the damage but like, god damn. I guess my boy likes playing with crochet a little TOO much lol.

I finally tossed the old Christmas tree last night (RIP). After I fixed the crochet table topper today I finally set my fossil collection back up. Aaaand I kind of hate the way it all looks together. Hopefully it grows on me because right now it just looks random as hell.

I've been enjoying finishing Sailor Moon, since I never got to watch the whole thing as a kid. Getting a hold of entire anime series, at the time, was either impossible or incredibly difficult. So many had never been translated at all, let alone formatted for distribution outside of Japan. I had to trade VHS-rips of anime I rented from Blockbuster via snailmail with an online friend just to see new stuff. Modern times are way more convenient, but the old fansub communities were frickin rad, I miss those times.

Ugh, I really gotta go back to torrenting. Streaming is beyond frustrating. There's too many services. Seems like nearly everything I want to watch lately is on Amazon Prime, and even though I have access through my boyfriend's account, like 90% still has to be paid for episode-by-episode. I just got the desire to rewatch Final Fantasy: Unlimited, but of course it's nowhere to be found.

I just gotta do some research and find out how to not get a call from my ISP scolding me for being naughty with my downloads. I wonder if a VPN is enough.

I've also been teaching my boyfriend to play Magic: The Gathering and that's been a lot of fun. He's catching on quick, but now I'm desperately itching to play with other people with their own decks. I never tire of playing that game and it's been years sinced I touched my ancient-ass cards. I made some interesting decks after pulling them out again and I can't wait to find out if they're good or if they're going to get clobbered.
2:40pm

28 MARCH 2024

Current Mood: happy
Listening to: whatever is playing on pluto.tv

Feeling good, I've been in such a productivity groove with my little website projects. I'm so happy with how my hiking journal turned out, I really needed to make something like that. Having pictures just sitting in folders on a computer doesn't feel right. Having a little site for them feels like a digital equivalent to an actual photo album. I made a very cute layout for a subsite for my writing, too.

My boyfriend just left for work. This morning I cleaned the apartment and finally took down our Christmas tree. Hilarious that we made it almost to April with it still up. It stayed alive and hung on until the beginning of March just fine but now it is finally dried out. I'm finally going to put my fossil collection back on in place of the tree, but now I need a table cover to put under them so they don't scratch the metal top, so I'm whipping up a little crochet piece for it.

Spending a solid couple of hours out in nature makes me feel so good. The feeling lasts for days afterward. Soooo happy I'm in this city now.
1:55pm

27 MARCH 2024

Current Mood: peaceful
Listening to: the rain and wind outside

Woke up late today (9am) because I was up late last night. Went to a new park yesterday with my boyfriend and it was absolutely lovely there. Weather was perfect, too - 70s, a little bit of cloud coverage here and there, low humidity. We did 3.5 hours worth of hiking until my bf couldn't go on anymore.

We got back, took our showers, he knocked out on the couch for a nap and I started working on getting my hiking journal up to snuff so I can start properly archiving my journeys. And I did that for about 10 straight hours. It felt sooo good to be back in the zone focus-wise, I'd MISSED that feeling. So much. And I'm very pleased with how it's turned out. It's now linked on my main page here.

Weather is beautiful this morning - overcast and dark but not rainy yet. And I slept soooo good last night. I have the most perfect bed, it's almost dangerously comfortable.

And today, due to the weather, it's going to be a nice lazy cozy day inside. Life is so good.
9:37am

24 MARCH 2024

Current Mood: upbeat
Listening to: the dishwasher

Another nice couple of days. Last night before bed I got the idea to make my cats a couple of crochet toys stuffed with catnip. It only took me 20-30 minutes per toy from start to finish, I've gotten fast. Not that they're anything special, but considering they were freehanded with no real design in mind, they're not bad at all. And my cats LOVE them, they're been playing with them more than any store bought toy I ever tried with them over the years.

I still haven't applied for a job despite looking. My boyfriend isn't giving me a hard time about it. I told him he needs to put pressure on me if I'm slacking on it and it's bothering him, but he just keeps telling me he's just happy to see me healthier and to go for it when I'm ready. I've been sure to remind him often how grateful I am.

Today I started working on another cat toy (a crocheted cat hammock to tie to their condo). I also made a master list of all the books/music/movies/tv that I like, because I feel like I can never remember it all. It's a long ass list but I know I'm still missing a ton of stuff. I'll keep adding them as I remember them all. It's linked in my bio page now.

My appetite wasn't great today (probably from the like 4 cups of coffee I had), so I had hot chocolate and oreos for dinner. I am probably getting too old for these kinds of foolish food choices, digestion-wise. Fingers crossed I don't get freaky junk food dreams.
11:43pm

23 MARCH 2024

Current Mood: better...ish?
Listening to: my boyfriend playing his electric drums through the wall

Slapped a new layout together after, like, over a year. It's nothing special since I don't have photoshop but it's something! Either way it feels good and I think it looks pretty cute.

Guess it's time for an evening coffee before I decide what I want to do next. I SHOULD send in at least one job application tonight. Or I could just do that tomorrow...

I'm glad I did this today. I needed it. It's wild to look back at the past couple of years and know that I finally escaped, successfully, despite so many people telling me it wouldn't make any difference. And all those horrible problems I couldn't fix or get away from are now just a memory. I did it!!!!
5:49pm

Current Mood: unsure - chill, but like I'm standing on the edge of a precipice I can't see? that might be too dramatic
Listening to: The sound of distant cars

It has been nearly a year since my last update. Oof. And what a year it has been.

My roommate-now-boyfriend-again and I made it to the city we wanted to move to. We made our visit last year, loved it, bided our time, waited for a position in our company to open up, and now we're here!

After a lot of soul searching, I let him take the transfer. At first the idea of that happening was sending me up the wall, with all the years of hard work I put in, how I had more of an uphill fight in the company than him (and a couple of times he inadvertantly made things worse for me in that area), and the long tradition of women being forced to have their husband's professional priorities trump their own. But then I realized just how much I had grown to hate my job. The uphill climb wasn't worth the money I was making for the stress. It would have been different here but at this point I just wanted any kind of change.

My boyfriend made me an amazing offer which I took him up on - he took care of the bills and general expenses and let me take a few months off. It's been fucking incredible, even though a lot of the time was just spent scrolling social media and watching tv. I finally gained weight after a decade of gastrointestinal problems. I went to the local parks as often as I could afford to hike and just enjoy nature the way I could never do in south Florida. I crocheted sooooooo much stuff, including throw blankets and my first blouses.

I did spend a lot of time feeling guilty that I didn't immediately get to work compiling all my half-baked story ideas into novels, but I'm trying to just let go of that and forgive myself. I really did need a break. I'd been burning the candle at both ends for so long - working myself exhausted all day, coming home to chug caffiene so I could spend my evenings reading and writing and cramming my head with information or working on skills/hobbies.

Now I'm at the point where I need to get a job again and I'm not handling it well emotionally. I'm like a little kid on the verge of a tantrum because I don't want to go back to school after a holiday break. I've played with the idea of trying to earn money working from home but, frankly, I need to get out of the apartment and force myself to interact with other humans. For my own good. I'm getting extra weird, I'm genuinely feeling lonely, I definitely can't make friends sitting inside all day, and my isolation is even making it hard to enjoy my solitude - I'm so BORED of my own interests. After being a shut-in for so many years and enjoying the pursuit of my own tastes, I find myself craving external novelty.

So, as much as I haaaaaaaaaaate it, I hate to start applying. I also can't deny the nagging guilt of feeling like a free loader (though it's important for me to remember he offered in part to pay me back for the many shitty years where he would take advantage of my financially and the hell I went through during his addiction years and getting him clean, so not REALLY freeloading.)

On a different topic, I've also been getting back into anime just a little bit. I never really cut myself off from it, but I didn't engage with any of it for years. A big part of me did feel like I had 'moved on' from it, though I think that was the creep of Obligational Rejection of Childhood Joy that comes with adulthood, especially for women. I don't see nearly as many millennial females still embracing Sailor Moon as I do males still fanboying for Marvel/DC. So, fuck it, why should I feel like I'm 'too old'?

And with that, I finally bought Utena: After the Revolution. So amazing that the original artist decided to do a 20-year anniversary manga. I looooooooved it, it brought a few tears to my eyes as I read it. I'm also working my way through Attack on Titan after starting it when it was new. It was a bit unsettling to realize that was like 15 years ago. Oh how the time does fly. And, frankly, my memories of my 20s are a bit jumbled. Smoking so much weed probably didn't help. But I'm ~70% done with the series and it's so good. I've already got a couple of others bookmarked that I want to read - Clover from CLAMP and Sailor V.

I also have to write about the Christmas I had this year because it was another really great one. I had money set aside specifically to get a good gift for my boyfriend, but was panicking about 3 weeks ahead of the holiday because I still had no idea what to get him. But then he mentioned he still wanted a Switch, so the next day I practically skipped to the store to buy him one. I slyly got him to tell me what game he wanted most and then went back and got him that, too. Also got him a mix of nerdy tshirts since he's low on clothes, some stickers for his favorite series, aaaaaaand I made him homemade vegan rice krispies treats and chocolate covered peanut butter balls and even made little custom labels with ingredients and drawings of snowmen/xmas trees/snowflakes. He LOVED the snacks, way more than I anticipated. He also obviously went crazy for the Switch. I did good and fucked with him by keeping it hidden under so he didn't know such a big package was around and THEN I slid it allll the way behind our tiny little tree so he didn't even notice it until I pulled it out to give it to him. First I had him unwrap the Switch game I got and gave him some bullshit about "Oh we'll go buy a Switch tomorrow and go half on the cost. By the way there's one last gift, here open this bigass box" and he was just like D:

He didn't really get me anything special but getting a few months off work with my bills paid is the greatest gift I've ever gotten.

It's also been wonderful to spend time with my cats. I don't know if I journaled about this before, but my old lady cat that's been with me for my whole adult life was losing weight and acting like she didn't feel good so we took her to the vet and found out she has end-of-life kidney failure. We switched to prescription food and gave her daily injections for a while but over time she tolerated the fluids less and less until it became impossible because she fought so hard. But nevertheless, she's been in much better health and spirits. The vet kind of braced us that there's no real timeline for how long she might live. She's old as shit. At her age, she could live a couple more years but she could also drop dead tomorrow. Yet she's gained weight and her energy has been good. She's still jumping on my massively high bed and playing and eating with gusto.

10:52am