30 NOVEMBER 2022
Current Mood: content and mellow
Today has been a nice day off. Morning walk with the roomie, grabbed some coffee, cleaned our place, played some piano.
Listening to: Veep S7
I've been neglecting my other creative projects while I've been pouring my little heart into my feminism website. I'm so so happy with how it's turned out, and I've gotten good feedback so far (even had a couple of people sign the guestbook!!!)
Still suffering from feelings of being disconnected from the rest of humanity but they're getting better little by little. I've been trying to be more sociable and talkative at work, I'm still doing ok reaching out to old friends a little more. It feels nice. My proverbial socialization muscle is definitely atrophied as hell, though. It still takes next to nothing to drain my battery.
On the plus side, dumping my energy into my other website has given me a better sense of fulfillment so I don't have that nagging feeling of existential dread and 'you're-wasting-your-speck-of-time-on-earth' vibes I get when I'm not productive enough.
I also finally organized my files on this computer - they were such a rat's nest. My desktop is lovely again. Hopefully it'll inspire my to work on the various projects I use this computer for.
Now to decide what I'm gonna do with the rest of my evening. Make jewelry, work on my other sites, TRY to work on my writing? Maybe finally play some vidya games?
23 NOVEMBER 2022
Current Mood: not high enough yet
What a helluva couple of weeks it's been.
Listening to: Aunty Donna sketches
The situation with my second-in-command did not really get resolved, I can only hope that the fact that I made such a fuss made the point clear to him that the way he acted is NOT gonna be tolerated by me, even if leadership doesn't have my back. They really let me down. I just gotta take solace in the fact that I got my fat-ass raise and I'm planning on moving at the end of my lease. I just have to actually SAVE MONEY and (even more importantly) work my goddamn hours instead of cutting all the time because I hate it there. My worst team member (such a mean, bitter sack of crap) also quit with no notice so that's nice. No one even said they're gonna miss him.
It's been a nice day off so far. Had the apartment to myself for a few hours first thing so I got some decent work done on my feminism website. Just finished cleaning a bit.
I've also done more reaching out to old friends, little by little. Like slowly working severely-atrophied muscles.
I guess that's all for now. Looking forward to the holiday season being over and getting the hell out of this city and on to new beginnings elsewhere.
16 NOVEMBER 2022
Current Mood: sunbaked and cheerful
It's been a good day so far. I spent my morning working more on my writing and websites then cleaned my porch and tended to my plants for a couple of hours. Ditched the dead ones (RIP) moved the ones that are dying outside to the windowsills inside that actuall get sun (and this time I actually checked for animals and bugs BEFORE moving them in) and swept all the dead leaves. The cats got some outdoor time while I was out there. A vine of a gorgeous plant I stole in the neighborhood rooted nicely and I finally moved it to dirt, hopefully it keeps kicking. Some others I grabbed from around the neighborhood and shoved into a jar together a couple of days ago started decaying already for some reason so they're drying out and I ditched the smelly water.
Listening to: blissful silence
I still can't believe I have to wait until sometime between February and April for the sun to start hitting that side of the building again.
I think it's time smoke weed, take a shower, then make some afternoon coffee and smoke more weed, play some music, and then I'll see where my mood takes me!
Current Mood: perky
Ahhhh, another gorgeous, wonderful day of freedom here in my happy little home. I've got my coffee, the cats are relaxing around me, I'm watching the news. Last night I had crazy intense dreams, a lot of them involving the kind of stuff I was reading about for my websites. When I woke up I had a hard time coming back to reality and knowing what was real life. It was kind of a nice feeling, lately I've been feeling absolutely trapped in this reality, even daydreaming hasn't been working.
Listening to: PBS Newshour
Now what to do with myself! I'm bumming out about my little porch garden - due to the angle of the sun, it's not going to get direct sunlight for the next FOUR MONTHS. GUHHHHH. My jasmine vine already died of root rot and I've got a couple of succulents etoliating. There's a single, tiny corner the sun hits in the afternoon where I put my precious cypress vine sprouts. I found a mother plant growing wild in my neighborhood up the side of an abandoned building. After several failed attempts to propagate, the vine started to die but it shit out a bunch of seeds before the end and I snagged some. There's babies that sprouted around the dead mother, and I got a couple to sprout in a container! I WANT THEM TO LIVE SOOOOOOO BADLY. They're such a beautiful variety of plant - the most vivid shade of pinkish-red flowers with these incredibly delicate, soft leaves.
I've got a few other cuttings I'm trying to get rooted after liberating them from overgrown properties here in my neighborhood. It's really saved me a lot of money on my plant addiction habit, and I get to give new homes to life that would have otherwise died by weedwhacker.
I really gotta practice my instruments while I have the morning to myself. Piano and harp time sounds pleasant, maybe I'll even give my flute a toot. Hah, a segment about pipe organs came on in the background on PBS. How appropriate.
I still have a zillion little crafting projects I want to do, too:
I also just need to put my clean laundry away instead of letting it live in a pile in the bedroom. And there's still a box or two under the bed of random brickabrack I never went through after my move and I KNOW the missing headphone jack adapter for my electric piano is in there.
I have a pillow sham I've already knitted that I just need to create an insert for and fill
I want to knit a better scarf than the only one I have (my very first knitting project) and armsocks for the few times it gets cold
I have so many drawings I need to finish, like the frozen rosehips I've been working on for like 5 friggin years
I want to put up the floating shelves in the bedroom
I need to make string plant hangers for the shower for all the new plants I bought
I could finally teach myself to embroider, it's such an amazing craft and I bought lots of string when the Michael's near me went out of business and had a clearance sale
I could use new jewelry, I'm getting sick of what I've been wearing
I need to take my digital vision board and make it a reality
I have all of my writing to work on
And my websites - not the main ones, but the little shrines
I also keep wanting to knit a purse/bag, the design seems so simple in my head
I should start planning/making xmas gifts, too
I'm almost out of homemade face cream, I should think about making more of that
The chairs on the porch need to be repainted
I honestly want to take another walk and just proplift everything I can carry. Everytime I think I'm doing it too much, a property I was eyeballing gets savagely cut back and I remembers no one cares
Ok so there's a lot for me to do today. Gotta pick one to start with and gogogogoooooo
15 NOVEMBER 2022
Current Mood: tired and accomplished
I really, REALLY wish my creative productivity didn't come in intense bursts followed by long luls of nothing.
Listening to: The Great North Ep1
I worked on my feminism website alllll day and I'm SO happy with how it's come out now that it's all detailed. The layout is super minimalistic but it works. The content is solid, though.
I know if I start updating my journal more it'll help my creative flow. Any writing is helpful is keeping the flow going, and writing in here is easy and necessary. But everytime something emotionally jarring happens, instead of opening up to other people (even digital ones, or the digital spectre of myself I kind of talk to by writing in my journal) I clam up hard. I process inside my head, then slowly open up to one or two people max after I've thought it to death on my own.
It's not the worst way to process but I definitely need to get better at sharing. What happened at work made me not want to write for two weeks. A bad relationship made me not want to write for nearly two years. I know what it is - I get embarassed. Even with myself. I get disappointed in myself easily when it comes to things going wrong with other people.
If I just researched the crap out of conversation and relationship skills (like I do when I have issues with any other area of life) it would do me a world of good. I gotta stop avoiding working on that part of myself because I
feel like I'm AM objectively bad at socializing. No more work arounds, gotta do better. Gotta read and practice. Same as getting better at any other skill.
Speaking of, I really need to actually sit through a harp playing tutorial instead of just randomly plucking at mine.
So sleepy. Really need to go to bed but I just don't want to because I still feeling that nice high feeling of creative energy and accomplishment. I'm officially too tired to do anything else worthwhile so here I am.
Man I hope I don't get in trouble at work for calling out. I don't want to be there, I hate it so much, and nothing is making sense anymore with accountability. I bet workers have been saying this since we were stacking sacks of grain in fertile crescent.
Current Mood: crampy and cranky
I keep going way too long between updates.
Listening to: Ancient Top 10 Dictators from History Channel
Work has had me so unbelievably stressed for so many reasons, from trivial petty stuff that feels like slow drip torture to people abandoning all behaviorial standards and civility. I got a nice fat raise and made sure it got put in on time, but it's not enough. I just don't want to go back. I have absolutely zero faith that the situation I'm in (long story short, my second-in-command started acting like a fucking crazy person persistently for weeks) will be resolved or anything good is going to happen for me. The bar for how people act has fallen through the floor and into hell. I don't see things getting better, especially in the near future.
I could barely sleep last night due to cramps so I just called out. I'm off tomorrow too, thankfully. My roommate is off, he's currently snoring it up on the other end of the couch. His cat is doing likewise between us. Miss Kitty is off having her afternoon nap under the bed. SHE scared the hell out of us by not eating for a day and acting surly. She'd escaped and had a freedom run that lasted a couple of hours the other day so I was terrified she'd eaten poison of some kind, but she seems to be back to her happy dainty self.
I'm so ready to move out of the big city. I feel like I can't breath here anymore. I keep having these moments on my way to work where it feels like the air gets devoid of oxygen and no matter how deeply I breath I can't get enough air in my lungs. The buildings everywhere are making me feel trapped, too. It's weird, this place never felt claustrophobic before but now I absolutely can't escape the feeling that I'm trapped in a tiny box without enough room to move around.
We have our eye on the end of our lease and have a budget to meet for each of us to be able to afford this move. We still haven't settled on a location. It's hard when we have the entire US to choose from. The only thing really limiting us is our fear of the cold since we're both native southerners.
I restarted my meme page on instagram and it's been picking up steam, so that's making me very happy. Today a teenager commented on one of my posts that the world makes her feel like she's going crazy and she doesn't know what to do. Someone else replied that there's hope because we have each other and "pages like this one" and it made me feel so damn good. I know it's, like, nothing, but at the same time it's something.
I've been trying to do little things to help with the persistent feelings of aimlessness and indecision I'm wracked with every time I have free time (falling into the vicious cycle of wanting to work on my goals, feeling too tired to, then feeling so guilty about not working on my goals that I never let myself do anything to relax or unwind so I stay stressed and exhausted 24/7). I gathered pictures for a vision board - all of the people I find most inspirational and symbols of the philosophies that are dearest to me. I made a little list of my goals yesterday so I have, like, a visual tool. I made my loathesome, dumbass job easier by creating systems/checklists for absolutely everything, there's no reason I can't do the same with working on my writing.
All I want is to leave the place I'm in. The need to escape consumes me now, just like it did as a teenager in my hometown. I have outgrown this place and now it's smothering me.
I never, ever fit in here. I didn't fit in where I'm from, and maybe I'll never fit in anywhere. But I'm ready to not fit in somewhere different.
3 NOVEMBER 2022
Current Mood: happy
It's my birthday and it's been a pretty good one. I went to work early, had a productive day, went for a walk with my roomie, and he's gonna cook us a delicious dinner very soon.
Listening to: Bojack Horseman - Fish Out Of Water
I was looking back and trying to reflect on where I was last year. I couldn't remember at all and had no journal entries so I had to check my phone. It grossed me out to realize I was still talking to my ex and possibly trying to make things work at that point. I have pictures on my phone of the Everglades two days after my birthday last year. I hope I spent my actual birthday with my roommate and not him, I probably did because once we broke the first time and he moved out I reprioritized my life and he was definitely not #1 after that. I can't believe I wanted to stay friends, let alone entertained the notion of making things work. But I think I've made the right decision in never pursuing romance again. I don't want it, after all the attempts I made, I'm good.
At least I was doing better at my birthday last year that I had been prior that year (ie dumped my douche ex even if I hadn't booted him out of my life for good), and was living on my own again which I really REALLY loved. God, I'm so glad that guy is out of my life.
I read back to my journal entries before he and I moved in together. Funny that we didn't even make it a year. I was so much happier before I got together with him, I'd been positively thriving. Then we got together and I had no energy and was sad all the time because he sucked it out of me like an energy goblin. I'm getting back to that point again. I WILL get back in the step of things. I really want to believe I will.
I have goals again, my living situation as super sweet, my health is better than it has been in like a decade. My mental health is better after brute force working on it, I got surgery on my poor messed up hand finally after all those years, I know the giant mass in my boob isn't cancer, I've even gained and kept weight on. As sad as I was to lose my place, I love the new one and there are parts I like even better, and it's so nice to have someone to share the burden of rent and responsibility with. Life was unbearable with my ex and nice alone but too lonely. Life is amazing here, now I'm just constantly afraid something bad is going to happen to my roomie lol. I've taken little steps to reconnect with a couple of old friends I hadn't spoken to in years.
I want to set my job on fire and I will not sully this entry with it except to mark my supreme, deep, searing hatred of the place. Also how much I've come to loathe the city I live in. I've begun to notice more and more how desperately grateful certain people are for a little kindness, and they're always people in very vulnerable demographics (like very old people with mobility problems.) This is such a cruel, rough city in general and my heart breaks for those people every day because of the hardships they must endure just trying to live their lives. All I want is a better world.
And that's what I will keep working towards.
29 OCTOBER 2022
Current Mood: mellow
WEEELLLLLLLL. Did not get any writing done yesterday like I wanted. I had the time, the energy, the mental clarity... I was just THAT afraid. I wish I could get past this mental block of being scared to read my own writing.
Listening to: my roommate's cat, screaming at the door to go out for a walk
I did have a somewhat productive day off. Long walk with my roomie (tons of butterflies were out), then cleaned our apartment a bit, rehung the string lights in the living room to put up the longer ones (they STILL aren't long enough, there's a gap above my bookcase but it's better than a gap over the entire kitchen), hung the string lights in the bedroom, played a little harp (I've really got to find my headphone adapter so I can play electric piano during quiet hours), and took the cats out for multiple walks (much to their delight.) My roommate's cat has learned a new trick where he plops down and stays laying down when I try to drag him in to try to stay outside longer.
Well now my roomie's cat is digging in the garbage so I guess it's time for me to conclude this entry and get on with my day. Sigh. Work tonight, so sad.
28 OCTOBER 2022
Current Mood: calm
Ugh. What a rough couple of days. Got into it at work and that situation still hasn't resolved itself (barf), and got into a huge fight with my best friends/roommate. It's been little things creeping into our homelife that were really bad habits back when we dated: being inexcusably lazy and incompetent with chores to try to get me to do them all, turning every conversation around to be a blame game on me, passive-aggressively implying I'm angry and irrational after arguments. After calling him out on it and fighting about it for a couple of days straight, he broke down and admitted he knew what he was doing and it was all intentional, and he knows it's a shitty way to treat me. He also admitted that the hard times we'd been through together (like all the doctors and hospital visits he was by my side for) were something he used as an excuse in his head to justify why it was ok to be shitty to me other times, and why he framed me as irrational for being mad at him for doing anything bad.
Listening to: the garbage truck in the alley
I know this all isn't just about me, this is a coping mechanism for deeper unhappiness. He sleeps way too much and spends all his waking time diving into distractions, which are all signs of serious depression. It's nothing new, our shared mental unwellness is part of what brought us and kept us together. I try to help, but he resists and resents most of my efforts (because of course he does, he's depressed.) But I do not believe it's hopeless. I think it's a battle. I don't always win against the demons in my own head, but the fight has to continue. I know he's just given up and he has to get back up and keep fighting again. It's just up to him if he actually wants to or not.
Aside from that, the day is mine. I'm off, I don't work until tomorrow night, the world is my oyster. What do I want from it?
Going for a walk sounds nice but I absolutely must write today. I want to try doing daily or semi-daily flash fiction stories based on all the world building I've done. Practicing my instruments sounds good. I should also do the couple of little finishing details on this apartment - I have one single box of nonsense still under the bed that needs organizing, still need to hang the string lights in the bedroom, and GOD do I need to put away my clean laundry. I've always been wanting to do more drawing. In a day to myself, I've got time for ALLLLL of those things. Too bad procrastination and indecision eat up so much of my time!
Well I already got up (semi) early, fed the cats, and made myself some coffee. And I've done zero social media scrolling. It's a far better start than most of days lately.
23 OCTOBER 2022
Current Mood: caffeinated
Uuuuuugh, work in 2 hours. So gross.
Listening to: silence
Yesterday I wrote out a couple of inspirational quotes from Ursula K. Le Guin and Angela Davis and put them on my fridge. I think it's a good start for getting myself more motivated to work on my goals. A "vision board" might not hurt, as boujie as that sounds.
I guess I don't have much to say this morning. It's times like this that I'm not sure if I should bother writing or not. When's the correct time to journal? Daily at the same time each day? Only when I have something to say? When I feel like I NEED to?
I've been connecting with my couple of friends a little more and more each day and it feels nice. I'm also remembering that while I don't click and fit it with a good number of my coworkers, there's a few I adore for whom the feeling seems to be mutual.
I need to not spiral out so much - I'm doing ok.
On that note, I sent some plant babies from my garden to my childhood buddy and I am SO NERVOUS something is going to happen to the package. It's already been delayed two days with dubious updates. Buying stuff is just a different version of Russian roulette every way you attack it. If you order online, the quality might not match, you might get the wrong item, or it gets misdelivered by any one of the US's godawful delivery services. If you show up in person, you have to deal with Retail Hell and they probably won't have what you're looking for, even if you tried to check ahead. I just want him to get his little friends! SKREEEEEEE
I really gotta start getting ready. Will I get ready on time today, or will I procrastinate and show up to work just barely on time?
22 OCTOBER 2022
Current Mood: groggy
Woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep. Granted, 6am is pretty normal for me, but I went to bed late.
Listening to: the hum of my ac
It still feels strange to wake up and not really have anything to look forward to that I get really excited for. I used to be so pumped to wake up and read or play video games or work on my hobbies. But ever since I reached this plateau on my Spiritual Journey for Truth and Enlightenment, I just don't feel excited. Like the mystery has been stripped from the world, and now that I understand things better, I'm just bummed at the answers.
At least this morning I've broken my habit of going straight on social media to scroll. I've been reflected on the term "doomscrolling" - it's just the news. It's not mostly negative because of engagement algorithms, it's because the world is a genuinely messed up place. We're constantly being gas lit that everything is normal and the the world is the way it HAS to be. And that we just need to find new ways to cope with how bad it all is.
I never would have imagined feeling like I have "the answers" would suck. I was definitely happier when I was still searching. And OBVIOUSLY I don't know everything there is to know - there's too much for any one person to know all of it - I just got the answers to my specific list of questions ("why do people act the way they do?" "how did we get here from being cavemen?" "what is human nature, really?")
I've definitely heard that when it's the duty of those who find answers and truth to share what they've learned with others. Or the Beethoven quote they used on The Midnight Gospel:
“There is no loftier mission than to approach the Divinity nearer than other men, and to disseminate the divine rays among mankind.”
I want to write, and I'd love to teach and share my knowledge. But I gotta get around my discomfort with reading my own work, and I gotta get better at being around people.
I love my cats and my best friend. But I used have this drive and this belief in something bigger than myself that made me feel like I would have purpose even if my loved ones were gone. But now... ugh. It's like I was both given a cosmic reminder that my relationships are what give life meaning, and seen just how truly little hope there is for the future. As someone who had invested in being a loner hoping to save the world, these were unwelcome epiphanies.
It's strange how long it's been taking me to write these journal entries lately. I always put the timestamp first to reflect what time I began the entry, and this one has taken me nearly 30 minutes. The previous ones all poured out of me, my fingers thwacking away at the keys without much thought.
I didn't even want to get up early, I wanted to just stay in bed. It feels like there's no real reason to get up except the bare minimum necessities. And I know that's really, really bad.
The funniest part is, I think I know the solutions to the problems and how to achieve them. There's just this overwhelming feeling of "no one will listen" and "it's hopeless to try". Yesterday I got the idea to try to surround myself with inspirational quotes to keep a fire under my tale and especially remind me that I'm not the only person on this journey.
I have to remember this is a point on the journey. I have not come to the end yet. I have to keep going and I have to keep searching.
21 OCTOBER 2022
Current Mood: energized
Got interrupted by my roommate's cat screaming for attention while my roomie was trying to play video games. Took him out on a leash and walked him around a bit (he loves it so much.) Then he just wanted to chill on the porch so I started giving my plants some much needing attention. The porch is now looking gorgeous and totally clean.
Listening to: PBS Newshour
I'm feeling more and more settled into this apartment. Almost all the improvement projects are done. I'm almost finished doing the backsplash in the kitchen and what a DIFFERENCE it's making. I'm feeling even less nervous about having to eventually move again - I know I can make any place I live feel this good (as long as the place itself isn't falling apart, knock on wood.)
I've also gotten back into my hobbies a bit. Played my instruments, made some new bracelets (just need to finish them off by adding the clasp), even start a new little doodle for inktober. I just haven't touched my sites much or felt the inspiration to do so. For some reason I'm reason I'm avoiding journaling. I guess there's something in my head I'm trying not to look at.
I really need to get past this block of mine where I get too self conscious to read my own writing.
Took a LOOONGGG ass walk with my roomie this morning, left just before 8am and got back a little while ago. We got to hit up the botanical garden here as soon as it opened and it was completely deserted, it was AMAZING. The place swarming with butterflies and bees.
19 OCTOBER 2022
Deeply, deeply tired. I just have not felt like journaling. I've been feeling strange lately. Of course, I'm probably still just adjusting to my new surroundings. And there's still a few improvement projects that need finishing.
I also haven't had much to say, as I don't today. Continuing to feel that mix of aimlessness and overwhelming pressure that I should be making the most fruitful use of my time possible.
But I'm alive. And I went back to work so that was sad. I feel ready for a new location, I've been at this point 11 years now. I feel like I was successful in learning everything I could and I'm finally burnt out.
I gotta find a way to break my social media habit I fell back into. I did a pretty good job curating them to avoid the doomscroll effect, but I'm still just procrastinating with them.
I'll get back into the swing of my hobbies. I think once I get more comfortable here it'll be easier. Just gotta put up the kitchen backsplash and hang the last string lights. I think once I finish knitting the fluffy poncho I'm working on it'll also help, the central ac in this place is POWERFUL.
14 OCTOBER 2022
The apartment is finally, FINALLY, all squared away. It feels like home now. My old landlord also sent me my depost in FULL so that's done with as well.
I also got contacted the last day of my leave from work by the third-party company that processes Leave of Absences (hilarious that that's even a thing, they do such a bad job too) for my company and told me that I needed to be out a full 15 days according to their little rules for the category I applied under. Weird but ok. So now TODAY is my last day off. I was very grateful for the extra days, and now the end is here and I'm sad once again.
I've got plans to go shopping out in the world with my roommate to buy some final items for the apartment rather than online. Deeply tempted to tell him "let's do this another day" when he wakes up. I want to savor my last morsels of free time. But we should really get this over with. UUUUUGH.
I managed to fix a LOT of things around here. Cleaned the hard water buildup on the shower head, fixed the broken cabinet hinge, installed a new light in the closet (since we cannot find the obscure bulb type the old fixture needs), covered some paint/wall damage with decorative mosaics, installed some much needed storage hooks in the bathroom and closet, fixed the broken clothes rod in the closet, and my old shower caddy is afixed to the kitchen wall as a spice rack.
Today I want to get some backsplash tiles for the kitchen, some wd40 to fix up the locks, couple floating shelves, and I'm gonna see if I can buy some precut lumber and cobble together a headboard from scratch. Also gonna hit up the garden centerrrrrrrrrrr yeyeyeyeyeeeeee
I do still have ONE box of miscellaneous brickabrack left but that's whatever. I had a ton of stuff I'd left behind from the last time I'd live here before moving into my own place. I got all of that sorted and I'm giving away a large amount.
It was hard to blog while the apartment was out of order. I felt so in limbo. It's really nice to feel settled again. Knowing I wasn't goint to be in my old place much longer made me weirdly not want to start any new physical crafting projects, or even touch my instruments, though I went buckwild making stuff on my computer. Maybe it was my way of retreating to the one place I feel safe when I feel uprooted in the real world - the internet?
Damn this is a slow-going entry. I've been very slowly tapping away for 30 minutes. 40 minutes. Ok I guess I should smoke up and shower.
8 OCTOBER 2022
The sandman finally came for me in full the past two nights. I feel so much goddamn better, good lord.
The apartment is starting to come together, I have the majority of my decor and belongings sorted and setup - area rugs, couch, computers, art supplies. Now all that's left is my clothes (for which I have to help clean out my roommate's closet to make room) and kitchen (also a big reorganizing task.)
Oh yeah, and I need to check and make sure my dumbass did not break my beloved, treasured electric piano during the move. I was SO CERTAIN I had it all safely strapped up and then SLAM! Down go the electric peddles. Well, hopefully if I did fuck it up I can get it repaired. I love that thing so, it's been so nice getting back into playing.
Nice and early, and I don't have to worry about saying hello to anyone on my way in or out! No more chatty neighbor directly outside my door!
I was also grieving the loss of my bathtub but I think I made an acceptable arrangement - I now have 7 plants INSIDE the very large stand-up shower here (two extra-large ones sitting on the unused portion of the floor, 5 on the windowsill.) There's a rainfall showerhead so it feels like waterfall in a jungle. I've got to take some pictures.
It's sprinkling rain outside! Definitely a lovely morning to take a walk. AND IT'S FINALLY COLD TODAY!!! 75°F ! No more 99 degrees when the sun is down! Maybe I'll go for a walk, maybe I'll stay in. Nice to have complete freedom to decide with no hinderances.
I extended my work leave, too (YAY!!!!!) Was supposed to be back today but I'm now returning Tuesday so I have a couple more sweeet sweet days of precious freedom.
5 OCTOBER 2022
Can't believe how many days have passed, I feel like I got hit by a truck. Thank god I took a leave at work, I would have died trying to do both. Next time I move, I'm asking a week off minimum.
Finally have the new place arranged a bit, more still to do tomorrow. I locked up my old place for the last time yesterday. I walked by it on a walk today and it was sad seeing the balcony empty. My stray cat friend was still there, she was happy to see me.
I still haven't slept the whole night through. I did finally fall asleep the night before last. I was getting scared, it had been days. I hadn't knocked out even with ambien, which I was scared to try in the first place. I still feel super fried. Hoping tonight will be better.
My guts have also been way messed up. Hoping it's just stress.
30 SEPTEMBER 2022
Reflecting, it's funny I'm in such a state of despair now. Just a few months ago I felt pretty great. I was excited for so many things in life still - and there were so many mysteries I wanted to solve.
I felt excited about writing stories and sharing my ideas with the world. I loved my home, I would wake up in the morning and drop catnip from my porch to the stray kitties below and watch them frolick. I didn't mind only having one friend.
But then I had my big epiphany, the moment where all the answers I'd been searching for came together and clicked, and I got to see the big picture clearly. Now I just feel like I have no hope left. And like I'd be wrong to burden anyone with what I know.
Well, this little lady isn't doing so hot.
I just had to call out of work due to having an anxiety attack.
It's funny that it's happening again. I had my last one in this place - my new/old apartment. Before I moved out and tried to start a new life with a guy who turned out to suck, but luckily left me with an amazing home that I loved.
I blogged about it on my blogspot when it last happened. I still have the entries and was rereading them not too long ago. I started that blog while in so much emotional turmoil. I was trying to find my identity - a lifelong struggle - after coming out of an extremely unhealthy, 9-year long relationship to the guy who is now my best friend in the world. A guy who has sat with me in the hospital, fed me water out of his hands when I was sick, and been there for me through literally every hard time in my life.
It's always the same - the same problem I've had since I was a kid. I'm bad at connecting with people and fitting in. I guess that's why the show Daria has been resonating with me so hard lately. Like her in the show, I also had my parents getting calls from the school due to my inability to be "normal" and get along with other kids properly. It's not like I've never had them, and it's probably mostly insecurity left over from all my bad early childhood experiences. And there's nothing wrong with me - I don't have autism or any kind of disorder (except anxiety and probably depression), it's just not abnormal for "gifted" kids to have these problems.
I also spent so long feeling so emotionally bad that I couldn't handle having friends in my life. Now that I want them, it's a skillset I haven't practiced. And it's terrifying. Even interacting with people online is so scary and intimidating - doesn't matter the platform. All the little interactions I've had with people on neocities have meant the world to me but also scared the everloving shit out of me.
It's like there's this Rube Goldberg machine of maladaptive thought patterns that click into place that prevent me from climbing out of myself. I got so good at deflecting and avoiding for so long, it's all I know now.
I also avoid so many things people bond over. I'm not close with my family, I dislike sports, I avoid mainstream social media, I refuse to watch most TV shows unless they meet my stringent standards, I listen to weird music, I refuse to pay attention to celebrities out of principle.
It's like, I grew up feeling rejected. I went back and forth between blaming myself and society itself. I tried to be the most typical, normal version of myself and it didn't work - it was fake and people didn't like me for it. So then I dedided to try to just be happy being myself whatever that meant. I wanted to be a good person. I always felt so guilty about certain things I did, I didn't want to feel that way anymore. But I've somehow raised my ethical standards so high they've isolated me. The fact that I don't like to gossip because it's hurtful has simply made me an outcast. My lack of participation hasn't stopped anyone gossping, it just causes other people to talk to me less because that's one less thing they're interested in they have to share with me.
In a lot of ways I wish I hadn't called out. I don't want to deal with the negative repurcussions, I don't want to have to explain to my boss that I had a freaking anxiety attack because I'm sad and that's why I couldn't come in but he deserves a better explanation that "stomach problems". And at least there I would have been surrounded by people. But then, I still feel extremely lonely arond people, especially at work, and especially when I feel like shit. It already takes so much energy to just be normal and talk to people it makes me break a sweat.
I just feel so uncertain of the path I chose in life. I didn't exactly pass up a bunch of great alternatives, but this ultimate search for truth and knowledge isn't making me happy. I'm having such a hard time seeing anything but the pain and ugliness anymore. The world and the universe used to be beautiful and wondrous and mysterious with some dark spots. Now, it feels like actual space - just this horrid, vast, cold abyss with tiny points of light. I always used to get so mad at people for not seeing what I see but now I envy ignorance so badly. I just want to be able to enjoy being alive again.
Maybe I do need meds.
I'm also exhausted. I haven't gotten proper sleep in days. I wish I could just fall asleep and stay that way until I feel better.
I also asked for an extension to move out because I waited too long til the last minute due to my inability to emotionally process leaving my home. My landlord was cool about it but god knows if he's just gonna pro-rate the extra days and take them out of my deposit.
27 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: pooped
Currently taking a break on my couch with my wet hiking boots still on. Moved a bunch more stuff while there was a break in the rain. My friend borrowed a handtruck so we were able to use that to make things WAY easier. I made a few more trips after that just to bring over some of my plants and get those out of the way, since I've got so many.
Listening to: Daria S4
My neighbor has popped out multiple times today and once again invited me over, and once again I pointedly ignore the invitation and changed the topic. I don't really feel bad anymore. The dude has a weird pushiness about him, I have no desire to be dragged into a borderline-stranger's home and it's officially reached an uncomfortable point that he keeps asking. Oh well, only three more days now.
Sadly due to the timing of the hurricane, it looks like I won't be able to get the free help from our mutual friend and I gotta shell out the company for a moving company. It's by the hour so hopefully it won't turn out to be TOO much, considering it's, like, 10 pieces going 4 blocks.
Current Mood: less ready
Day one of officially moving. Hurricane conditions are officially here - I DID wait too long to move the rest of my little stuff. I mean, kind of. I won't be that bad.
Listening to: Search Party S4
I've been up for four hours and I have officially done everything I can to procrastinate. Fun outfit, hair, makeup, watched tv. Time to start hustling.
But will I?
26 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: ready
I'm officially ready to leave. I think I got the majority of the grieving out of my system. Also just had one of my neighbors test out their new sound system directly below my apartment so loud it shook my place and was a dick about turning it down. So, it's time. Not sure if I should bother packing tonight or just relax. It's so close to the deadline that I'm getting anxious. But I do have the whole day off tomorrow just to pack and there's so little left.
Listening to: Daria S3
Guess I'm relaxing! lol
I am a bit worried that, due having a hurricane due to arrive here literally the day I scheduled my move, it will be rainy during the entire next few days. Though, that will really just mean I'll have to cover my stuff in hefty bags. We're only taking everything 4 blocks.
But what to do with my night now? Perhaps a list of some last-time fun cozy things here? Bath? Play piano? Harp? Watch my favorite tv shows? Get high? Drink red bull? Eat junk food?
I shall do all of those things and it shall be good.
25 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: sad and happy
My last day off in this apartment is here :(
Listening to: Daria S3
I work tomorrrow morning, then the next two days are moving days, then there's two days of this place being empty for me to clean and enjoy the bathtub a couple last times, and then that's it.
No walk today. I woke up early as usual, hung out on the porch with Miss Kitty for a little while. I'd forgotten how much she loves me being out there with her. Sometimes I forget she just wants my company when she's enjoying her interests, too. Well, she'll have plenty of time to hang outside in the new place, too. She'll just have to get used to being on a leash again and she HATES that.
I'm a happier note, I've been working on some of my more serious writing this morning. I'm losing steam already, but I guess that's ok. It's normal for my heart to be heavy on a day like today. Or maybe I'm just being silly, I don't know. I finished Broad City last night, so there was that goodbye, too. It feels like lately I'm looking around and it's all endings, but there's weirdly an absence of new beginnings.
I wish there were more Neocities webrings. I'm thinking of make one.
I should get dressed.
Current Mood: overheated and accomplished
Got all the plant corpses off my balcony. It's a shame the summer heatwave and my negligence claimed so many of them. I'm regretting not doing more to maintain it, but then I remember it feels like 100 degrees until after sundown most days. I know it's served as a refuge for various birds, lizards, and bugs so at least someone got to enjoy it.
Listening to: Broad City S3
My walk this morning was wonderful. I ran into three adorable, friendly kitties that all seemed to know each other. I was walking up a quiet street and spotted a grey cat on the sidewalk. I walked slowly and called to it but it didn't seem interested. Another chubbier grey kitty, however, ran past it out of nowhere and was very much interested in pets. Eventually I started leaving but they followed me, the shy one even ran across the top of a fence to get in my face and mew for attention. Then a fluffier one joined us and all three cats started head butting and nuzzling each other. I didn't want to leave them.
I think I'm gonna have to get some food in me before heading back out there. I am STARVING now.
Current Mood: happy with a side of anxiety
Definitely calling out tonight and tomorrow. Deciding now if I'm gonna go for a walk or just stay here and finally deal with the plants I've been neglecting on my porch. I was leaning toward the latter, until I saw the current desktop on this computer (an old picture I'd taken under a bridge nearby of some unusual cornflower-blue colored coral) and now I want to do both. But, ugh, the thought of other human beings out there.
Listening to: Daria S2
I absolutely must indulge in my hobbies today - work on my other sites, play my instruments, read, maybe just lay on the floor. No more drawing, knitting, or sewing - that's all packed and hauled away. HOWEVER, I've already been up for two solid hours just watching tv. I must get up and get to action. I grabbed an outfit for my walk already if I'm doing that.
I need to smoke more.
I REALLY need to get pictures of this place!!!
Four days until moving day.
Ok ok, walk. If I hate it out there I can always just turn back. And I'll check the tide report.
23 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: chill
It's been a very nice day off. Went for a walk this morning with my friend, excellent morning for animal and fish spotting. It felt so good to be out among plants and fresh air. I got some really nice pictures. I'm definitely adding a section for a daily snapshot on here (like my old webcam as a teenager,) still undecided if I'm ever gonna have pictures of myself or include pictures like the ones I took today in my journal here. I kind of at least want to post cute outfits when I put them on.
Listening to: YOLO: Crystal Fantasy
Came back, had some lunch, worked on my sites. The layout I've been so busy with and am so pleased with does not actually scale correctly (the old monitor I use on this computer is a lot more square than most modern screens.) OH WELL, I'm gonna use it anyway. And I don't think I'm gonna bother trying to fix it. I initially wanted everything to fit on one site but it's just gonna have to be scrollable. I always hated sites that scrolled AND utilized iframes. I'm just gonna wait until I've gotten full enjoyment out of my current layout before I slap it up. Soooo maybe one more day. Or tonight. Despite scaling, I really like it. Now I just need to stop making fun layouts for no reason and work on my actual writing and other sites.
I'm about to take another fabulous luxurious bath, and I'm considering which two days coming up that I'm going to call out.
Bleh, I can't believe it's 5 already. Time is so annoying. I'm considering throwing Daria back on AGAIN because it is the absolute comfiest show that hits the deepest spot in my soul. It is such a goddamn shame the creators are on doing whatever the hell they're doing, and we've had 5000 seasons of Seth MacFarlane shows but every show with something real to say gets an average of 12 episodes. Bojack was probably the longest-running exception. I've gone searching and found damn near every creator responsible for the works closest to my heart have moved on to super commercial, super lucrative, super BLAND ventures.
I need to pack more today, too. I do not want moving day to sneak up on me. My mail has been forwarded, my utilities scheduled to shut off. My landlord confirmed my last day. Gotta STOP feeling so gloomy and just enjoy and be happy. It'll be nice to have the extra money I'll be saving, and it'll be easier to plan more nature excursions.
Ugh, my heart hurts again :'(
Ah, fuck it, new layout is going up now, lol
Current Mood: bittersweet happiness
Yesterday was rough, and there's probably going to be more related rough days ahead. But I'll cross those pain-in-the-ass bridges when I get to them. I worked the whole day on essentially no sleep then came home, moved some more boxes, talked decorating with my soon-to-be-roomie, then came home and enjoyed some quality me-time.
Listening to: my AC
I should probably take a walk. Miss Kitty is currently on the balcony, having her morning constitutional, drinking the dirty rainwater out of the bottoms of the planters because she loves it.
5 more days til moving day, then two days after that until this place is officially no longer mine. I plan to come back just for a final use of the bathtub those last two days if I can. Yeah, a walk is definitely a good idea. Then I should probably get something more substantial in my stomach than red bull and potato chips.
In other news, the little experiment I've been working on has turned into something I really love. I'm excited to finish it and post it up. It's very 2003. At first I thought I was being wasteful of my final time here by spending on my computer, but now I think it's the perfect way to spend the time. As long as I'm happy and enjoying the moment.
There is also a part of me that wants to leave my mark on this apartment before I go. Maybe a tiny inscription, message, symbol, anything like that. Out of sight that wouldn't be revealed unless they remodel or tear this place up. What I REALLY need to do is collect all my pictures and get some final ones. I don't have many on my phone.
God, now I want to listen to sad Boys II Men funeral songs and lay on the couch feeling sad.
MUST GO FOR WALK.
22 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: mellow
Ugh. Went to bed at 10, couldn't sleep, 1am rolls around and my internet goes down and the rainsounds I listen to for sleep shut down. Fiddled with my modem, reset it, got it working again, still couldn't sleep. I must have slept for a little bit, I had vague dreams about web design.
Listening to: Daria - Is it Fall Yet? The Movie
I have to get up to get ready for work in an hour and a half, so I figured I may as well just get up. I want to fiddle with the new layout for this place I'm working on.
7 days left til I move. 9 days left til this place is no longer mine :(
Just grabbed a red bull. I'm looking at it, and considering my wonderfully warm, soft, cozy bed. Ehh I got up for a reason, BOMBS AWAY.
21 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: in pain
Welp, I unpacked a box, lol. Seeing my art desk barren with no color or creative instruments was far too depressing. They're all in acrylic organizers so it took 2 minutes to pack the first time. I'm leaving them out til the last minute, just like my books and plants. No sense in making this place depressing for a week for no reason.
Listening to: Family Guy
I also carried the first four boxes over with the help of my friend. It's so convenient that we can just walk them down the street, since he lives to close. He keeps drinking too much kratom and, as per my last post, I really care about him and don't want anything bad to happen to his health. I hope he's drinking enough water.
He watched the Daria movie with me, which was nice considering he'd never seen the show and therefor had no idea what was going on. I'm gonna watch the college one now. I kind of just want to keep rewatching the series until I make myself sick with it. I'm trawling around for fan communities with life in them.
We also hung around his place a little and finally discussed furniture placement and made some decisions. That has me feeling a bit better already. There's defintiely a part of me that's been wanting to just move everything NOW and get it over with, but then I won't get to enjoy my place. It'd be like not visiting someone you love when they're ill specifically because you know they're gonna die soon and it's painful so may as well just skip it. I love this place, it's inanimate but it sheltered me and gave me joy. It feels wrong to just abandon it - not to mention a waste of money.
Ugh, landlord JUST texted me as I was typing all this to set up a showing for tomorrow. And to confirm I'll be out at the end of the month. GOD he sucks. Like, I know that's all normal stuff and nothing to be mad about, yet I hate him for it.
Filling up the bathtub. Just made a little calendar on my fridge - only 9 more days I'll get to take them, lol. God, I'm so glad I got some boxes out of the way today. There won't even be that many more (though the ones that will be last will be heavy, damn my love of books.)
I also think I'm starting to come to terms with all of this. I'm starting to feel at peace. Sad, but not heart-stabblingly so. And I'll give to have my magical staircase garden again - my poor balcony has been neglected into a grey garden. But, almost like a sign, a seed I'd planted ages ago finally bloomed.
It's time to start again.
Current Mood: existential melancholy
After bumming around, I dug a little and found there are Daria movies I've never seen! Pirating failed me so I coughed up the two dollars to watch it on youtube (grrrrrr!)
Listening to: Daria - Is It Fall Yet? The Movie
This show and this move combined really have me thinking about the course of my life. I first watched this when I was 11, a whole twenty-four years ago. I still had all that optimism and hope and excitement for the future (though also a TON of skepticism.) The same feeling is reflected in the characters - they're in high school, it's the 90s so there's that cultural vibe of new possibilites and things are getting better, and of course they dress and talk the way I did when I was young.
I was also using the wayback machine to peruse the mutuals on my middle school blog for some inspiration for my site. I read all the blog entries for a girl I was friends with then - Crystal. They were so sweet, enthusiastic, and optimistic. I had these incredible feelings of nostalgia and I wonder where she is now, is she doing ok? Has she ever used this tool to go back and relive this part of her life?
Of course, I never thought my life would end up here. I also had no freaking clue where my life would end up, and I had a lot of fears it would end up in far worse places: trapped in a terrible relationship, dead very young by accident or suicide, desperately poor, saddled with kids I never wanted, still stuck in my horrible home town. I didn't have a ton of ideas for better things I wanted, I just knew what I feared and what I didn't want. I lived the shitty relationships and the poverty, but I escaped them (well, the escape from poverty is relative) and avoided the rest. Now I'm pretty much at my life's middle age - if I'm lucky of course.
Then I reflect on my place and how sad I've been feeling despite having a good place I'm going to, and how difficult it's been to enjoy my final time here instead of moping. I know I'm not unique in being resistant to change and letting go, it's pretty human. I've had thoughts recently about what the end of my life might be like, or what it might be like if my best friend or I gets a terminal disease. Going on mainstream social media, it's hard to avoid people posting about their final days or hours with a loved one. I saw one not long ago about a guy discussing his final days with his wife. A lot of people die of cancer or other diseases, it's an unavoidable part of life and aging. Knowing its our last 24 hours together, would I be able to enjoy it at all, or would I let grief rob me of any last moments of happiness?
I do think being able to look forward to what's coming next, instead of dreading it, is extremely important. It's going to be fun living with my best friend again and there's going to be other benefits. Even when I die, at least I get to find out what comes next. Losing him is a whole other story, though, considering how bad I am at building relationships. He's all I've got. I know things will be very dark on the other side if I ever lose him - dark enough that I might not make it out the other side. I really gotta get him to start taking better care of himself.
Well, my heart still hurts over all this. I have to get up criminally early for work tomorrow, meaning I should go to bed earlier than usual and sacrifice more of my last moments here. I could stay up late and get no sleep, but I know I'll just be groggy and miserable.
I REALLY should have taken an LOA so I could just stay home this whole time. Fucked that up. I couldn't really afford it BUT STILL dammit!!!
I have to make my peace. I'm leaving. I almost just want to lay here, doing nothing, nothing on, just do anything to make time go by as slowly as possible.
I think it's time for another bath.
Current Mood: wistful
Just finished packing a total of six boxes for my move - mostly gardening supplies, art supplies, clothes, and games. I have two more empties to fill but I need a break.
Listening to: Family Guy
Tried to cheer myself up this morning by dressing in a cute outfit and doing my hair/makeup (something I never do anymore), it actually helped to an extent. Considering including pictures of my outfits on here since I haven't used social media to post pictures of myself in almost 20 years.
I also burned my way through Daria again and now I'm sad. I have no more episodes to watch, so I'm back to Family Guy. It's not hitting the spot the same way. I think a big part of it was the 90s mindset of the show (and the 90s clothing fashion.)
I also realized I dated my last entries incorrectly (the clock on my little computer is always wrong for some reason.) It'd been longer since my last entry than I thought.
20 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: melancholy
Packed my first box :( Packing away my stuff should be relatively easy and painless since it's all so organized already. I'll be able to do more tomorrow.
Listening to: Daria S4
I was avoiding writing in here because I was feeling so sad the past few days. I've also avoided journaling in other times where I felt confused or emotionally distressed. I think it's especially important to keep writing at those times.
For now, I'm trying to decide how to spend my night. I really gotta smoke more.
Current Mood: heartbroken
I haven't blogged in a couple of days because I'm just so sad. I've reached my last week in my happy little home. This is definitely my favorite place I've ever lived. It's perfect - my balcony garden, my cozy indoor garden bedroom, my living room that I made a combination art&music studio/gamer station/library. My bathtub where I've been able to take hot baths for the first time in almost half a lifetime.
Listening to: PBS Newshour
I also love living alone. I can't deny it's gotten a little lonely lately, but the joy still outweighs the melancholy. I'm free here. My own little corner of the universe I get to shut away and deny EVERYONE access to. I'm also proud of the decorating, it really looks like an extension of me. It also resembles a toned-down, adult version of "Nicklelodeon decorates your room" - bright colors (without being cartoony) everywhere and just fun stuff everywhere. Two computers, my electric piano, my harp, my ocarina, my flute, my steel drum, my books, my globe, my art supplies, lego-like building blocks, lincoln logs, puzzles, board games, rubix cube, playing cards, my fossil & mineral collection...
It has its flaws like all places, but I love it so much. I want to hug the walls and just roll on the floor. I DO NOT want to go but I'm officially behind schedule on packing and getting out of here. Sigh.
I have been browing the sites here on neocities more and exploring the wonderful websites people have built, and that's been cheering me up a bit. I don't want to go to work today so fucking badly, I want to call out and have more bonus time here.
15 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: cranky and self-loathing
In such a funky mood today. I'm off and haven't accomplished much so of course I'm mad at myself now. I just kinda woke up feeling icky and headachey and didn't shake it unitl now. And since half the day is gone I'm having that internal spiraling-out over wasted time. Like, oh god, there's so much I want to do, and what if I get hit by a car tomorrow and my ideas die with me because I couldn't focus well enough to write them down in time.
Listening to: Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer
Maybe my friend is write and I'm too hard on myself.
I have done a minimal amount of dicking around and thought about preparations for moving. Tidied my place a bit. Did a tiny bit of writing. But I just haven't been able to get in the zone. Having too much of a headache to be able to smoke and get high also wasn't helping.
It's looking like I'm gonna be adding a Rainbow Brite shrine and removing one of the ones I haven't felt inspired about. Not sure which one I'm gonna axe, Babylon 5 is the only one I haven't started on at all. I have the beginnings of a layout for a Lain shrine but it seems almost pointless. There's so many sites dedicated to that show, even if it is extremely important to me on a personal level. Idk. I also have the one I started for The Midnight Gospel. Ugh, just thinking about trying to type out content makes my brain tired.
I wish there was some way to make myself magically feel more confident (besides, like, cocaine.) That would make it SO much easier to work on my writing.
14 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: fighting sleepiness
After work this morning I hung out with my buddy and played some more Diddy Kong Racing. Once he left, I felt too mentally drained to work on any of my writing and site content. Yet somehow I managed to crap out three new website layouts. Not for the shrines I've been wanting to work on, of course, but ideas popped into my head so I hammered them out. Now I have a new future layout for my Utena shrine, a new tropical/neon layout for my personal site (inspired by the old frostylips site), and a Rainbow Brite site inspired by one I saw when I was in middle school.
Listening to: thunder, rain, and Daria S1
13 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: so tired
Very good day off. Woke up to my buddy knocking on my door because I forgot to pay my phone bill and wasn't paying attention to emails and other communique. We moved a little bit of my stuff to his place (just my knitting supplies), went for a walk (saw a gorgeous little manta ray swimming around the canal), came back for some Diddy Kong Racing (I BEAT WIZPIG!!! And we finally made it to space, these levels are unbelievably beautiful.)
Listening to: Family Guy S12
After all that, I worked on my sites and my writing. Made a Secret of Mana shrine and and a site for my theories on ancient history. I feel like my layouts keep getting better and better. I wanted to play a little more Diddy Kong after that but I'm just too burnt and sleepy. I know I keep saying it, but it feels sooooo good to stay productive. I was in such a funk for so long.
12 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: pooped
Ugh, I stayed up until midnight last night working on my websites and playing Diddy Kong Racing. I beat TT in a couple of races (GOD is he hard to beat) and made great progress on my domain. But I'm paying for it today. I figured I could just drink extra caffeine and I'd be all good. Looks like I'm getting too old for that to work. I'm about to take a nice hot bath, hopefully that helps.
Listening to: Daria S4
Also had a strong reminder of how human and deeply dumb I am in my own way. I worked so hard to get over my crush on that guy at work, like really plumbed the depths of my mind and soul to squash it. I pretty much ignored him for months. And NONE of it has worked. He's just so dreamy. His voice, the way he looks, the way he carries himself. I don't think there's anything I can do. I think I just have to accept the way I feel and learn to live with it. I just feel guilty because I'm pretty sure he's dating some other girl at work now, for that reason alone I wanted to eliminate any attraction I had but no matter my motivation I can't turn it off. Sigh.
Ok, bath time. Hopefully I can soak this melancholy away.
11 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: cranky
I do not want my day to be over yet, it's so unfair. I'm about to squeeze in some more Diddy Kong Racing before bed.
Listening to: Daria S3
Daria is amazing. I've been rewatching since I remember obsessing over it as a kid. I think I was in fourth grade when I discovered it. I would record episodes from tv onto vhs tapes and watch them over and over so many times I would have the dialogue memorized. I've had my eye out for the episode where they go camping and eat hallucinogenic berries but I haven't bumped into it yet. I gotta write a little article about it for my other site.
So happy with the progress I've been making with all of my websites. I feel so productive and like I'm putting my voice and myself out there again. And getting all this damn floatsam out of my poor overloaded brain. I'm definitely feeling lighter. The rehaul of my personal domain is going really well. Things are going so well in general I'm worried something is going to go horribly wrong.
In other news, just a little while ago, someone tried very hard to open my doorknob. Scared the hell out of me. I hope it was just one of my neighbors just somehow grabbing the wrong door.
Current Mood: chill
It's been an exceptionally chill day off so far. I actually did my morning routine today - drank a ton of water, stretched, meditated, all of it. Then my buddy woke up, we went for a walk down to the water, admired some fish and iguanas (and some remarkable colored pigeons, seriously gorgeous mutations happening with their plummage), then returned to play some vidya.
Listening to: the Diddy Kong Racing theme song playing in my head
I haven't been able to throw myself into any of my projects since he left. Maybe I'll pop on some n64 while I wait for creativity to strike. I should also probably smoke more.
Also, I'm feeling better. I was so freaked out a couple of weeks ago. Now I'm feeling a lot more grounded.
I really want to work on my Choose Your Own Adventure I started a few years ago. But for now, I think it shall be more nintendo. Ahhhh the wonderful feeling of being home and free.
10 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: victorious
I did it! I finished writing down one of my ideas, in full, with all the links/screenshots and everything! No idea if I'm going to link it on here in my writing. I feel weird mixing my serious ideas with my personal stuff. BUT I DID IT. My morning wasn't off to a perfect start, I'd already done what I'd felt like was time-wasting and it was into the afternoon, and I still accomplished something before work. Man, that's big for me.
Listening to: my washing machine
Current Mood: pensive
How's my day going so far?
Listening to: Jon Stewart's Podcast
I didn't go for a walk. I have not worked on my serious writing. But I diiiiiiid make a very pretty layout for my shrine for The Little Mermaid! It's making me insane that the mp3 won't work, though. Grrr!
I now have 4 hours before I have to arrive at work. It's an extremely hot time to go for a walk, though I could go for a short one. What I really want is to hammer out more content. My domain name is like, just sitting on its shelf in cyberspace, collecting pixel dust. I already transfered my new writing over to this computer.
Honestly, as long as I keep working on my stuff, I'm good. I just gotta keep going and not overthink too much. Granted, I'm starting to feel a little silly that I've now put almost a week's worth of work into personal and fansites and none into my serious ideas. I gotta remember to cut myself some slack, I was getting creatively atrophied. Can't expect to hit the ground running at full speed with all of my most complex stuff.
Current Mood: indecisive
Ugh, up early, I work the closing shift tonight so I have a few hours to myself. The question - what to do? What do I want from my morning?
Listening to: PBS Newshour
I always want to write, thats numero uno. A walk sounds nice and is probably a good idea. Taking care of my apartment to start getting ready to move is definitely on the NEED list. :'(
The Queen died and I wonder how long I'll have to hear about it in the news. I do believe families like hers have far, far more power than it appears on the surface. I'd been feeling this weird, pressing anxiety for a couple of weeks recently. I asked around, it wasn't just me. Suddenly, it's gone. I don't necessarily believe in ESP or "vibes" in the woo sense, but I do think that humans have an instinctual perception of one another's emotional state, and this can radiate outward and spread. In this case, I'm wondering if there wasn't some large paradigm shift contigent on waiting for the queen to die to move forward, and the anxiety among the highest social class trickled down all the way down to the peasants.
I should eat before anything. I always forget about eating. Gotta eat.
9 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: mellow
Well, I once again skipped my little morning routine I had planned. HOWEVER! I did a minimal amount of social media time-wasting, then I hopped right over to my 'work' computer and started chugging along with my Utena shrine. I was working on that until I was falling asleep last night and was really excited to get up and keep going with it. I finished every layout for every character! Gotta get that content now! Gotta work dem writing musclessssss
Listening to: The Midnight Gospel
Gotta get up and start letting the sunlight in, though, as much as I love waking up and keeping the curtains shut tight to maintain a perpetual feeling of twilight. I do love those predawn hours. I've got an itch to go for a walk but the outside world is so hostile.
I really gotta get better at attending to my actual physical needs. I got too good at ignoring physical discomfort, hunger, pain, etc just so I can keep producing and goinggoinggoing. I'm at home, I should be relaxing and focuses on my own comfort and needs before anything else. Even at work, I should be attending to that first.
So what do I want right now? What do I want out of my day today? Writing is always my top #1 priority now. I want to get better at dumping everything in my head out and getting it to the rest of the world. I think I've been getting better. Ugh, I gotta go back and do some refresher reading and see if there's anything new on memetics. I NEED to eat, probably before anything else since I've been awake for hours, had a red bull, but have consumed no solid sustenance.
I think I'm gonna start adding a picture to my blog entries, whether it's one I've actually taken or just something relevant to my entry. I like the idea of having an illustrated diary. Or maybe I won't, it is extra work. We shall see!
8 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: happy
Man, sometimes I despair, but I gotta remember the happy things, too. I just opened winamp and it still has the skin that I found on archive.org that I made myself and uploaded to winamp.com back when I was 13 or 14 years old. And I can still use it, more than half a lifetime later. That's amazing. A little part of tiny me is right here on my computer.
Listening to: the rain
That reminds me, I need to add links to the wayback machine snapshots of my private-domain hosted blog and livejournal on here.
Really glad to be off tomorrow, it's been a rough past three days at work.
Went on a really nice walk after work and saw a spotted eagle ray! I hadn't seen one in nearly a decade so it was really exciting. Though that canal has so much less life than it used to it's scary. There used to be swarms of crabs, schools of fish constantly darting about, birds galore. I haven't seen a single crab, there's far fewer fish, and even fewer birds. The invasive iguanas have multiplied like crazy, though. And I keep seeing those horrible invasive flatworms, I scooped one out of the botanical garden while I was visiting recently and left in the middle of the hot road. Horrible and inhumane, I know, but they're almost impossible to kill any other way. It really sucks that every time I try to enjoy nature, I'm faced with nonstop reminders of how much damage the environment has taken.
Gotta try to stay positive. I have my whole day tomorrow to enjoy. I opened the past couple of days so I was not able to do my morning routine I outlined in my last entry, that means tomorrow will be the day! Better make sure I reread it so I'm ready.
I've been continuing to inch away progress on my websites, I'm in a good groove. Very happy to have so much of my Utena shrine done. I'm thinking of registering it its own neocities address and moving it there. Also thinking of doing a separate layout for each character, or maybe just different colors for the same layout for each character. I've also started prepping materials for the rest of my little shrines! I reeeeeeeally want to add midis but that's a step beyond extremely basic html and that's all I really know.
I have like, less than 3 weeks left in my place. Just typing that I want to cry a little. I don't hate where I'm going by any means, but I do love it here so goddamn much. This place was a nearly perfect little home. I know it's for the best and it wasn't going to last, anyway - this building has so much wrong with it. It's my first home that was so settled and well set-up, and the first one where I haven't been broke as shit so my things are actually nice (or the poor-people version of nice, haha.) Just gotta savor the time I have left here.
It FINALLY started raining. This has been the dryest monsoon season I've ever experienced here, it's been majorly depressing. Tonight is gorgeous.
6 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: happy yet ornery
Well I did pretty good this morning, or at least better. I did get on social media as soon as I woke up, but all I did was glance to see if I got any notifications. I did not engage in the scroll. Instead, I hopped over to neocities and started poking around and working on my Utena shrine. Oh neocities, you are a sweet sweet cyber-methadone.
Listening to: the gentle hum of my AC
Got a little bit done, now I want to kick someone to death because I have to go to work and I don't want to. It would probably help if I got up, opened the blinds, and let some light into this lovely little cave of mine. I'm certain my houseplants are hungry. It's just so pleasant to get up before the sun rises and enjoy computer time, hiding in the perpetual dark while the outside world has to wake up.
Ok, TOMORROW when I wake up I'm going to do the whole routine:
wash my face with cold water
actually go out and take care of my porch plants instead of leaving them to fend for themselves
Now up, up, and AWAY I go to feed the beast that kills us all. Man, I need a Disney-style song with those lyrics.
5 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: sleepy
Made up with my friend. We went for a long-ass walk together in the hot Florida sun and caught some decent animal activity, including a manta ray and a few fish (including one of my favorites, the checkered pufferfish!) Then we came back here and played some Diddy Kong Racing and Super Smash Bros, then he took off.
Listening to: American Dad S16
I had a brainstorm for yet another fansite for a series I recently fell in love with and I'm already jazzed with how it's turning out. I also want to spend more time exploring the neocities community, I'm just learning how to navigate the 'social media' aspect of the site (I only just noticed there's likes!)
Man, it's good to feel motivated again. I just hate running into limiting factors. Like work. And Sleep. I don't want to be sleepy yet! I want to make content! REEEEEEEEEEEEE
4 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: highly agitated
Ugh. Just got in a fight with my best friend. That always feels bad. I wish communication between humans wasn't so freaking complicated.
Listening to: Family Guy S20
Sucky timing, too. I was just finishing up with the layout for my little Utena shrine and I was feeling really happy with it. Utena fansites had some of the most aesthetically sharp, beautiful layouts back in the 2000s. I would love to cobble together something in that same vein.
It's so satisfying to update this thing regularly. Still, I was reflecting on the hours upon hours I poured into my websites all those years ago. Because I wasn't diligent enough to archive them and keep backups, they're lost to time save a couple of snippets the wayback machine snapped. Will technology even still be able to support web 1.0 sites in a decade or two?
Well, whatever. Nothing lasts. And every time I look at my creations they make me happy.
3 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: cranky
I absolutely must break my habit of getting on social media first thing in the morning. And watching the news. I need a healthier morning routine than to go straight to the couch and attach myself to the screen. That has been my routine my entire adult life - if I work early, I'll wake up even earlier just to have that little bit of dick-around time.
Listening to: PBS Newshour
It is not making me happy, though. These godawful social media sites I worked so hard to unplug myself from sucked me back in and, in addition to being hideous creations with mind-melting powers, are now freezing my computer.
Still a lot of little decisions to make with this site. Should I make a microblog? Or a guestbook? What other random crap that's been accumulating on my computers can I dump on here for safekeeping? Which writings exactly should I include on my site?
I know what I really need is a technology break. I miss camping and being out in the wilderness. I don't necessarily need to go that far. I could just abstain in my own home. Read my books, watch actual tv without browsing, play my instruments, draw, knit, make a new perfume scent or necklace, take care of my plants, spend some time with my cat, work on my writing.
You know, literally anything except *SCROLL SCROLL SCROLL* "dawwww now I'm sad :("
2 SEPTEMBER 2022
Current Mood: content
ONE more post.
Listening to: Family Guy S19
Exploring neocities looking for people to follow now that I have a personal site I feel happy with. I noticed, very much to my surprise, that a lot of the personal pages belong to young people - early 20s and even teenagers.
I really assumed it would be people who grew up learning html with the early internet. It seems so unusual that so many people in those age groups should have found their way off social media at all, let alone master web design aesthetics so close to the ones of the 2000s. I mean, I guess unless some of these people are LARPing and are actually much older (but do people even do that?)
Anyway, I saw a retro-style website that had a blog with mood/current listening. I reading those details from my blog from middle school I dug up, I'm going to try to remember to include it here. I think I did good splitting my entries up by year. There's still some other misc tweeking I want to do to this site. I think the iframe is making the overall site layout go to waste a little, even if it is sooooo convenient/lazy for changing layouts.
This feels so good. Every time I journal again I start feeling good. It's the same way I feel so elated and good whenever my apartment is nice and clean. I really have FAR too much rattling around in my melon-head.
Ohmygod, get up and go for a walk lazybones! Tear yourself away from the screen!
OH and last thing - my friend and I are almost finished playing Diddy Kong Racing (played on a n64 emulator ofc) and the last boss is kicking the shit out of us. WIZPIG. It's such a hilarious character design - he looks like a chubby kid. And the way he flies kills me.
Ok ok ok, I'm going. At the very least I'm gonna give that race a couple tries and get some practice in. Then I must go for my walk.
Alright, I think I am done with website stuff for the day. I've been at it since 9-friggin-am. It's a far more productive day than I've been having usually, so I think I deserve to be happy.
I should really take a walk and get my blood flowing. My legs feel like dead limbs and I've barely seen the sun today.
I can remember having free days as a middle schooler and spending them almost exactly like this. Funny that people would look down upon that, while society collective suffers from massive Peter Pan syndrome. Haha. I'm living life right I think.
Aaaaaayyyeeeee I did a smart thing! I actually thought to download my updated diary file so I didn't lose the entries I accidentally overwrote! Look at me, I learned my lesson from past misery!
Well, good news, bad news.
Good news - I'm soooo happy with the update for my little site here. Even got some of the pages filled out better.
Bad news - I accidentally uploaded my old file of my diary and overwrote the progress I went in and manually added on here (including the entries I transposed from the tumblr I half-heartedly started). Ouch. They're (mostly) replaceable, but it's still work I have to do over. Feels like accidentally loading an old savestate when playing a video game rom. Wah wah wahhhhhhhh.
31 AUGUST 2022
Time to finally update this again. I have random diary/blog entries
scattered elsewhere. I'll go back and add them here. I gave other
platforms a try and they just don't feel right, no matter how
Update from my last post - the beautiful weirdo I was so totally
infatuated with was aware of my interest and did not share my feelings.
I'm not entirely over him because I am pathetic. Bad posture, bad skin,
underbite, glasses, pale, thin, no muscles, no discernible charm, no
interest in me, and yet when he speaks or looks at me my heart tries to
leave my chest. Alas. I want to retire and just be too old for this
The blog entries I will be adding for the past few weeks are a bunch of
dribble about how lonely and disconnected I've been feeling. How hollow
the internet is, and how it no longer satisfies my craving for human
connection no matter how hard I try to find it.
I found one single neocities page with some essays that were extremely
relatable. It was almost like feeling warmth off another human soul for
the first time in a long time. I have my one single friend here in
meatspace, but he's so much more normal than I am. I miss feeling
connection with other freaks.
24 AUGUST 2022
kinda coming to terms with what a freak i feel like lately. i’ve never not felt like a freak, it’s nothing new. but i was comfortable with it for a long time. now that my depression is lifting and i want to be social, i don’t even know how to fit in with other freaks anymore
radical feminism has made it much harder to be friends with males, and i’ve always had mostly male friends. reconnecting with old ones, there’s a chasm between us that wasn’t there before. i’ve grown WAY more feminist and they, of course, have become far less feminist than they were in their youth.
then there’s the fact that, due to only my own fault, i’m terrified of being friends with women. i had always had girl friends growing up, but never as many guy friends. the ones i had tended to be more tomboyish, like myself. i remember elementary school and how eventually my female friends started giving into some of the forms of female socialization, like no longer climbing trees at recess or acting like rowdy little monsters, and cutting back on the fart sounds. I was always the last holdout when it came to “growing into a woman”. I thought it was a point to be proud of, but really it made it harder to fit in with other girls more and more. Everyone wants to be around someone like them and I was obstinately refusing to be like everyone else. I can’t blame my friends for giving in. My female friends i grew up with who i still had things in common with by high school seem so different now, i’m too scared to try to reconnect.
I want someone who feels anything like me, but insisting on always taking the path less traveled has inevitably led to me to a very empty place. Thanks to my isolation and my poor consistency in even journaling, it’s hard to even articulate who I am. How do I even sum up what I’m into? Human behavior and power systems? Radical philosophies in all their forms? The occult but only viewed from a perspective of deep historical and scientific skepticism? The nature of the universe and uncovering the basecode of reality? Peeling back every layer of existential questioning until there’s nothing left?
I also used to like anime and scifi and fantasy and shit, but it’s been nearly a decade since I’ve watched a single new tv show, since I didn’t like the way society was moving and I refused to compromise any of my standards. I do a lot of crafts, but not consistently enough to even be able to discuss them in detail. I shun pop culture unless it’s from a perspective of loathing those in power and spitting on celebrities and their sycophants.
Like, I’m a judgemental fucking asshole and I don’t like anything normal or relaxing. I even refuse to play new video games, further excluding me from the majority. I turn my nose up at mainstream music, and even the recent music made by the tiny select list of obscure musicians I DO like.
Then there’s the fact that I’m a godawful conversationalist and all around human. I don’t like my own family and barely speak to them, I have a hard time relating to others when they talk about their own. I hate boring small talk. I hate just sitting and listening to someone talk about things they like that I can’t relate to while feeling like I perpetually sit on my own identity because, while people might expect me to listen to them prattle on about their interests, somehow the same isn’t appropriate for me. I don’t really want to just talk at someone anyway. I want those beautiful back-and-forth exchanges where we know about the same things and can talk about ideas without just have to explain basic concepts back and forth
Lately I just want to cry. Did I actually accomplish my journey of discovery and knowledge, or have I driven myself into schizophrenia? Why does it seem like I’m the only one on the entire internet who wants to talk about what I do? Why do I feel like a member of a lost tribe who has never found my people? Why do I feel this fire and drive inside of me and, even when I do find people that are somewhat on the same page, they don’t feel it - they just want to make the best of things and settle?
Who am I????
I’m in my mid-going-on-late-30s, I’m not college educated, I’m not married, I have no kids. I stay in my bubble and do my own things, I have one close friend and a handful of people I keep in touch with maybe once a year. I’ve been researching evolution, psychology, history, ancient history, prehistory, sociology, politics, philosophy, animal cognizance, technological progress, social engineering, memetics, espionage and spycraft, conspiracies as a primary hobby for over a decade. I see the unnecessary suffering humans and animals every day and think about their lives, their daily struggles, how long they will have to endure them, and it fucking kills me. Every day I want to change the world. But I also have depression, anxiety, and cripplingly low self esteem I’ve been working on building up. I’m afraid of going out into the overwhelming world because I’m such a sensitive sack of shit and it’s painful and terrifying out there. I love escaping into fictional worlds, I can disappear into them completely, but as of late I feel guilty every time I do so. I feel the pressure of the past and future - every human who lived before me whose labor and efforts have provided me with every advantage I have, and every human who will come after me whose life will be affected by the decisions I make today - and I feel like I can’t just run away into escapism until I make progress.
I guess I have a lot to get off my chest.
11 AUGUST 2022
i have to start working on my writing. it’s like, existential torture at this point. i have ideas, ones i think are good, and the only thing holding me back at this point are fear and insecurity. as someone who’s been aggressively weird my entire life, these should NOT be my anchors, i should be better at letting go and not giving a fuck. but i love positive feedback and i’m a huge baby about negative feedback. like, hans-christian-anderson-crying-face-down-in-the-dirt levels of sensitive when it comes to a bad review
i know step #1 of getting back into is maintaining a blog again so i can stretch my proverbial writing legs, that way the writing in my stories is a little more polished. even writing more online would be helpful. but then when i post things that get zero attention and responses on social media, i get that “no one cares, just give up”, even if it’s only one post that doesn’t track among plenty that do.
when it comes to my stories, i get that sense of pressure that i have to get them done and the clock is ticking. i look at all the vacation time i’ve taken while not making any progress on them and mentally shame myself for wasted time, rather than being glad i had time to rest and relax. i’m more scared of dying in traffic because what if all my ideas die with me? i know it’s narcissistic to think they’re of any particular importance, but i still hope they could be.
there’s also a part of me that feels so cringey when i read my own writing. none of my other creative hobbies make me feel this way when i see my own work. my drawings are rough and amateurish but i love them. my jewelry is nothing special but i enjoy wearing it more than anything store bought. i like playing music. my little interior decorating efforts bring me a lot of joy. i guess my writing is the most personal hobby i have, maybe there’s still a part of me that’s uncomfortable with myself?
i have been having this persisting feeling like i don’t exist anymore. i’m not on social media, i keep in touch with only a couple of people (let’s be honest, one person, and a couple of people i hit up a couple of times a year), and i’m incredibly closed off at work with my coworkers. i’m realizing i used to derive a lot of my sense of identity from social media starting with the earliest pre-facebook platforms. i always had a blog, or a journal, or a website, and a tiny little community to be a part of. on the flip side of this, i started shunning the real world due to how awful i found it. and not wrongly so. but without my online connections to people, i am rather cast adrift.
i’ve put a lot of thought into trying to find more connections in “meatspace”, as the advice on darker corners of the internet has advised me. be open, sift the good people from the assholes. but it’s not like i haven’t done that before. i’ve always had a hard time making connections with people, but in the area i live in now i am especially out of step with the values around me. an angry feminist like myself will inevitably have a hard time finding like-minded people in a heavily patriarchal area. being a passive vessel to other people’s attention for the sake of being alone has also failed to mitigate my loneliness in the past if a connection just isn’t there.
but how to find people like myself? i have to know myself to know that. and without connections with other people or a digital repository for my thoughts, i feel like i don’t know who that is.
well i suppose this post is serving the purpose of getting some stuff off my chest. i also need to relax and contribute more and not freak out when my contributions aren’t always given attention and validation.
i do also, and i know this, really need to work harder at taking an interest in other people. being a loner for so long, i stopped just being curious about other humans. when i was a girl, i would look at other female bloggers online and read their posts, look at their pictures, and be interested in who they were and their lives. i don’t think i’ve done that since social media started becoming more look oriented, and a lot of the accounts of interesting girls i followed became more about their looks and pictures of themselves. my own insecurity combined with my feminist attitudes led me to start desisting from social media as a way to actually showcase my life and myself, and more for just my thoughts. I had a strong reactionary attitude against hot egirl culture, which i had previously loved and participated in when i was younger. i guess in a way this is a good thing, social media tends to just make everyone more insecure and compare themselves since there’s pressure for everyone to present their lives in as perfect a manner as possible.
and here i am in the present. my old homes are dead or changed but they are gone. i severed connections with the people i already knew. i can conform and sacrifice my individuality and deeper happiness for company and contentment of being part of a crowd. or i can continue to sift for individuals i can find a connection with.
i suppose it isn’t much of a choice. i have to start working harder and step fretting so much.
9 AUGUST 2022
i uploaded my blog to neocities tonight. i'm too lazy to add this tonight, though. so it's going into a txt file on my desktop until i can be bothered. i'll probably also convert my blog to tumblr format on here since it's more convenient. or will i? i don't know.
i feel like i'm untethered and i no longer know exactly what i want. i have a very lost feeling. and i've been feeling a loneliness and craving for people i haven't felt since i was a kid. it's unfamiliar and hard to deal with since i've become so accustomed to being a loner. but this world is extremely cruel and people that are alone are especially vulnerable, i'm scared of that for me and the only person i feel really close to. i know i need to do better with the other relationships i have in my life - my mom, my sister, the couple of friends i have left.
my life has been so strange. i never fit in except with other misfits. even when i'm amongst 'normal' people it's hard to find them interesting. the inch deep conversations, the ugliness, the cruelty. it's so judgemental but it's hard to get away from.
i learned to enter a world of fantasy and escapism to run away from how much my life sucked. then when that became hollow i started my journey for truth and understanding. i feel like i've damn near completed that after half a lifetime of work, depression, anxiety, ennui, existential dread, and mind-shattering introspection. i dug into rabbit holes. i tried to be unbiased. i truly feel i can see the big picture, the patterns, and the path that history has taken to get here. i also believe i can see where we're going and it's nowhere good.
did i really make progress or am i just becoming schizo? i've written down as i've gone, i've tried to stick with academic sources and treated conspiracy theorists with skepiticism. i feel like what i've really down is rip away every comfortable mental coping device we've developed to blind ourselves to the hell we live in. ignorance is bliss and i've spent my whole life trying to learn. now i'm fucking miserable. it's hard to escape anywhere.
i used to genuinely believe i had seen a truth created a unique philosophy that might help people, or fix the world and the suffering i see as needless. now i dont' know if anything can fix our problems. i'm scared we are doomed.
25 JANURARY 2022
I have to work through this. It's too intense and I'm making myself sick and miserable. I haven't cleaned my place in days, all I'm doing is laying around drifting off into endless fantasies about this guy while I keep the tv running. I've listened to music a couple of times and drank once, all I want to listen to is love songs. I got two fortune cookie fortunes about not waiting for the right moment or it'll pass you by and not being afraid to live. I've reasoned out that what I feel for him is rare enough to be worth risking embarassment, rejection, and finding out he's any combination of my worst fears as a person. If he's a porn-addicted creep who literally hates women and has literally zero redeeming qualities, would I still be interested in having sex with him? If the sex is good, honestly, yes. He's just that hot to me.
And I don't want to purge myself of this feeling. It's like a drug. I want to get to immerse myself in what I feel and share it with him.
But that's what I have to get a grip on. My desire with my fear of losing it before I have it is making me insane. And my insecurities. But it's mostly the former. I have to treat him as though I've already let him go. Choose to feel this way even if he doesn't want me back at all, let alone fully the way I feel for him. And that's my dilemma. I know myself. As much as I logically would settle for a strictly sexual relationship for pragmatic reasons (like my unwillingness to compromise my lifestyle and free time), in my heart I want him to feel for me what I feel for him. I look in his eyes and I feel something, and that's so unusual. It could be anything - if I'm lucky, he feels a mutual attraction. But I'm already wondering if this is full-blown love at first sight. And that's crazy, and it's not realistic to hope for a return on total infatuation. Especially when he's been single for so long and there's so many other girls around.
Ultimately, I'm being selfish. I'm looking at a stranger, deciding he's exactly what I like, and then inwardly setting skyhigh demands of him. I'm on the far end of the spectrum of being emotionally sensitive and sentimental, I can seek that out by meeting people and seeing if that's who they are once I get to know them. But I can't assume it of someone because of how he looks, even if he has the dreamiest eyes I've ever seen.
I have to let go of him. I don't know him. I still want to make a move so badly it's actually causing me physical pain from all the acid my stomache is pumping out. And I know why and I'm bullshitting myself - I stand a good chance of getting what I want if I go for it. He's in my age range, he's been single a while, unless I've already missed my window he will likely at least be down to bang one out. I keep freaking out about every other variable but frankly that's all it really takes - if someone has been single a long time, consistent interest from a new person is at least going to have a short term appeal, even if he's not super into me and I'm not his type at all. Which is a safe assumption, since he's a sportsy Miami party guy and I'm the exact opposite. And if I find him this attractive, it's inevitable that I'm not the only one, no matter how unusual my tastes are.
I have to find a way of (.... god I almost typed 'loving', and that's how it already feels, it's like I feel so little connection and affection for people around me that when it happens those feelings get concentrated like a laser) appreciating him without imposing on him. I need the idea of him looking at or flirting with someone else to not break my heart. If I'm lucky and if I'm proactive, I can see what it's like to experience getting to know him. But until them if I live in my head like I have been, I'm only hurting myself and potentially him if I'm astronomically lucky enough that he feels even a sliver of what I do. I can't set an impossible standard for him to live up to. I have to take him as I find him and appreciate the experience as it comes. I'm allowed to admire him and find him literally beautiful to the point of being ethereal but I have to stop obsessing over possessing him.
I've made some tiny steps forward. I've decided I do want to make a move, badly, but now I'm only fucking myself over by procrastinating with cleaning. I can't seduce him in a dirty apartment. And in my freetime, I just live in daydreams. I've also tried gearing my endless churning thoughts about him to practical stuff - what I can say to him to make smalltalk, what I might say to him if I successfully get him to my place, the things I want to do to him and for him to make him feel good rather than this perfect fantasy where he feels everything I feel that I keep defaulting to then making worse.
It's just so fucking difficult to get right. I try to square my head, take a deep breath, and just try to see him as a normal person. But I see this uniquely gorgeous looking guy with bad posture and hear he hasn't had a relationship in a decade and it breaks my heart that he's not getting showered in physical affection which I could be giving him. I try to remember he might not be interested, but I know scarcity drops standards, so he might enjoy it just out of desperation. Am I ok with that? I want to take what I can get it, it'll hurt that my feelings aren't mirrored in him but will I be able to live with it? Then I imagine things I could do with him physically and I think, yes, at least for a little while.
There's still the very real chance that if I pursue this and start getting to know him, my feelings will evaporate aburptly and entirely. It's happened before. I didn't feel this remotely intense about the other guys, but there was definitely real attraction before they did things that made me never look at them the same.
It's funny how much he stands out. What I want most, more than anything, more than sex, is just a good long soft kiss. And to hold him. And that's so lame but that's what I want. I want to tell him every single reason why I find him attractive. And maybe, eventually, if I feel sure it won't freak him out too badly, tell him he's been in my dreams consistently since he started at work.
NONE OF IT MATTERS UNTIL I GET MY SHIT TOGETHER. I would be mortified if I got him here and things were going well and a fucking cockroach crawls across the floor or wall or worse - on one of us. Or I still have my clothes all disorganized. Or my cat's tumbleweeds of fur. I have to be constructive and take care of myself and be happy. If I'm this miserable whinging sack of shit, I'm going to turn him off. If I'm insecure to the point of falling apart, nothing will happen between us.
I also need to just forgive myself for having these feelings, I know they're superficial. I'm human. And he's beautiful to me. It's the best word. Hot, handsome, sexy, attractive all apply, but beautiful and gorgeous are the most accurate.
18 JANURARY 2022
I'm honestly ashamed of how bad this infatuation has gotten and it has to stop. It's destructive and disrespectful. It doesn't matter how attractive I find him, I don't know him and have zero reason to think he feels a single thing for me but creeped out.
And what would I do if I got him? Tell him my anxiety is too severe to do anything he likes to do? Go through nightmare dates again? I already know, reasonably, that I'm too weird to date people based on looks. I don't want to care this much about looks. And I know, when I disect things, that I'm just projecting assumptions about his personality based on his looks. He looks like a nerd, but like many nerdy-looking guys he is not a nerd.
I want someone like me, and this one I already know isn't. I should be trying to get myself back out there online like I had before, and not settle so quickly.
I'm sick of feeling so overwhelmed emotionally at work, too. I need to be more productive. My team needs me to be more productive. I'm acting fucking weird and I'm already weird enough.
I want his face out of my mind. I want my free time and my thoughts to be my own again because they are just being wasted now while I make myself feel nauseous.
And finally, I don't want to make any more moves. I'm so tired of being the initiator. I might have mentioned this before, but this got me thinking for the first time about the fact that I've never been asked out by a guy I like or might potentially like (at least not since middle school, those memories are fuzzy). I've been asked out a couple of times by guys I had zero interest in, or been the aggressor, but I've never gotten to experience that. I probably wont, it doesn't really matter. I'm old enough that I want to be aged out of all of this, I want peace and to achieve my dreams.
I finished typing that last sentence, and immediately closed my eyes and started fantasizing about him hard. He's just so fucking beautiful. I want to drink in the sight of him for an extended period without being interrupted. But that's creepy and wrong and one-sided and not a healthy way to feel or express romantic interest, lust, or affection. I'm fucking crazy and acting crazy. If I like him, I need to talk to him like a normal person, but I don't actually want that. I don't want flirting, or the long road, or patience, or words. I want to just ask bluntly if he's interested and tell him I want a physical relationship with him. Aaaaand I did it again.
This isn't good. I feel too intense and intimidated by him to speak to him. His body language suggests I'm intimidating him. I talk all sorts of stupid shit when he's around because my brain goes haywire so he certainly thinks I'm obnoxious or a know-it-all or I'm cringey or we have such vastly different sensibilities that he'd never be interested.
I'm being a real piece of shit friend to Michael right now too. I gotta get ready to hang out with him instead of sitting here melting over some guy who is a borderline stranger to me and who almost certainly has absolutely nothing in common with me, again. Another outgoing, normal guy with normal sensibilities. He's not going to share my sense of single-minded passion I have for him, he's not going to understand my weirdness and quirks, and he's almost certainly going to have no interest in protecting us by keeping his mouth shut at work.
10 JANURARY 2022
Uuuuuuugh. First day back to work. I felt so foggy-headed all day, it was hard to feel as anxious as usual because I just felt dumb and detached.
I did not get to see my crush and that made me very disappointed and sad. I saw his boss and best friend, and he really got me thinking that I should probably let the crush I have on this guy die. His best friend - my work peer rather than an indirect subordinate - has so much in common with me it's a little nutty, and I don't think my crush shares many of those interests. He could be a friend to me, and it would be silly for me to blow that when I've found potential for friendship in precious few individuals. There's also the fact that my crush is all in my head and I have zero reason to think the object of my desires shares my feelings.
9 JANURARY 2022
Last day of my covidcation. I stretched it out a couple of extra days, I wish I could stretch it out more. I kept busy cleaning today and watching lectures so I kept myself distracted enough that I'm not dying of despair.
My mom dropped a piece of information on me during a phone call, according to her when I was tested for gifted in like the 1st grade, I scored a 140 IQ. I can't deny I was excited at this news. Of course she could have exaggerated it in her mind, or just misremembered. I also read that IQ usually decreases with age.
As much as I'm reasoning it might not be true, I watched a TedTalk about gifted people and much of it resonated with me. I've always felt like a freak, it would be nice to have a real explanation as to why. Part of me just wants to believe it for the confidence boost.
I have a fuzzy memory of taking an IQ test within the past few years, and assumed the score it gave me back was pumped up to sell me things or just lie to me (I could be wrong but I think I remember getting a 143 and thinking "there's no way it's that high").
Now to decide what to do with my last couple of hours.