Journal

2019

20 DECEMBER 2019

More than two months since my last update. Unbelievable. My head does badly feel as though it needs sort. And yet, I've had time to write in here and the notion has been unappealing, as though it's a painful chore I have to endure. Well I've never loved cleaning and I suppose the inside of my head is no exception.

I miss my me time. I miss having lots of leisure time to create and pursue whatever mental leisure activites I desire. I miss investing in my own interests. I feel like so much of being with this guy is allowing him to eclipse all of my free time. Even away from each other, we're constantly texting. He is into me and wants to spend all his time interacting with me which is nice to feel like his interest in genuine but it is overwhelming

I need to start being able to dig deep and know what I want because I feel myself being swept up in a current when I've finally found a modicum of happiness and contentment that I do not want to lose. That's a big part of the future I'm not looking forward to dealing with. The next step in my relationship is moving in together

Man. I've barely typed about this situation and I'm already weary of it.

I already know the deal in my own head, I've been going through it enough. I logically should move in with my new boyfriend, but I enjoy living with my ex as platonic friends a lot. It's not the best - he's still very unreliable. But it's also got its perks and joys. Then there's the potential instability of the new guy. No matter what, there's the question of 'what if his daughter comes back in his life'? I still don't find the notion of a relationship with some kid appealing. That'd really disrupt our living situation if we're living together since I wouldn't want the kid in my home touching my things but if we have a home together, now my things are his and also hers. I can't fucking do that, I hate kids and other people's drama and this kid will be exactly that.

I also think I've pieced together the real picture, reading between the lines of what he's told me. He got together with this chick as her side piece, her feeding him a tale of abuse to gain his sympathy. He is enamored with her physically and wants to lock her down. He has no problem impregnating her and taking care of her other kids if it means keeping her. But he's famously been a dick his whole life to his whole family, apparently including his mom and brother. His mom possibly partially deserving for being a histrionic asshole, and his brother innocent. Then he turns emotionally abusive of his new girlfriend until she can't take it and leaves him. They get back together after she can't get her shit together, devolve into hedonism and she gets emotional revenge on him. He probably tries to get even and gets kicked out, essentially hitting rock bottom. At this point his ex is pretty much done with him and just tries to extort him for money and things she needs, keeping him as a back burner on-call bitch but he has too much pride for it. She sells her tales to his family of his legitimate abuse and they buy it because they received the same from him, and tells them he won't give her money for the daughter which is true, establishing his status as a deadbeat dad and an abusive asshole. They support her cutting him out completely and do the same.

I guess that leaves me with a lot of questions. Does this matter if he's genuinely improved, and has he? He's definitely still got a fixation on his ex, she's a larger-than-life figure in his mind. God, that kind of hurt to type out. So what the fuck am I doing? I could be wrong about all of this but I don't think I am. Despite all of this, he's pretty awesome and so is our time together. It's not perfect though, I'm not sure if it's just that I'm starting to feel fatigued from shaking up my life, or if cracks are starting to form in our time together. The sex is amazing, but I still find it hard to completely relax around him. It seems like he's still always very rushed, he still has his occassional moments where it feels like he gets snappy or assumes I'm stupid (a habit he admitted to having with his ex)

So, what, do I move in with this guy knowing that at any time I could be looking to move back out if his daughter comes back into his life? I really need to talk to him about this. I still have that sneaking feeling his trying to either avoid thinking about his daughter/ex by spending time with me

Still, the date we're aiming for is the end of my lease which I think (hopefully) is still 6 months away, though my ex may want to resign the lease before then. Still, hopefully that gives at least a couple of more months to see wtf is going on here

It's important that I sort this stuff out, but I still feel bummed when my journal is primarily about "boy problems".

I miss working on my sites. I feel like that was an excellent decision in how to spend my time, and I should keep on with it. Same with my writing. And my drawing. And my art. And my philosophy. I feel like I have good things to nurture in my own mind and so much of my energy is just going towards supporting a relationship. But then, I still don't know how to prioritize my time and get shit done. My ex and I still haven't managed to get our apartment back to square one after turning into a dirty depression den. When I do have free time, I just want to lay around and die. I have to HAVE to start prioritizing more me time, even if it means disappointing this guy. Part of why I'm scared to ask for more me time is because I'm scared he's just automatically going to start cheating on me. Guh, this is why I was starting to try to get it through my head that romantic relationships aren't the end-all of being alive. I want to be beyond all of this petty drama. Caring about people's families and their petty concerns.

I'd love to get away to be entirely alone for a while. That would be incredible. Maybe I should plan that out, too. In fact I definitely need to plan that out.

11:58pm

16 OCTOBER 2019

Sigh.

Got the morning to myself, and pretty much the entire day until late tonight when I'll be leaving to go to my new guys place, fall asleep, wake up early and spend the day out. Gotta make fruitful use of this time.

Still so full of turbulent and confusing feelings. My ex has a date again and I'm full of jealousy and sinking cold feelings. He'll be out all day. The moment she was gone he was yanking on me harder, the moment he's got a date he's fine again and out the door. I guess there's a part of me that's butthurt that he was still acting like he had feelings for me and had no intention of dating then turned around and got a date. Still bullshitting me and messing with my feelings to keep me around in the end I guess.

Then there's things with the new guy. He's a bit overwhelming. He talks a lot and takes the reigns of the conversation a lot and doesn't give as much attention to what I'm saying as he takes. Ugh. I barely even know what to say anymore. He makes me feel kinda... hollowed out? Like I'm so worn out from trying to keep up with the conversation that I'm too spent to have my own thoughts. I really don't like it. But I'm also really letting myself go along for the ride and let him lead and make all the plans etc. I'm so bad at that anyway, it's nice to be paired up with someone who takes the initiative so well. But I guess in the end I also need more time to just be me. I wasn't even that psyched to have the day to myself, just disappointed. I think for the first time in forever I'm getting used to not just being around but interacting with more than one person all the time. It's weird and dependent.

I called out of work. I've been slackering it hard as fuck and doing little shit I shouldn't. I hope to god there's no blowback but god knows it might be coming. But I don't want to care that much or for work to be that important. I just want to do my time and get my money and come home to be as free as I can possibly enjoy being.

I've been drawing a little. It's been nice. I should really upload my drawings to here.

I just feel sad. I woke up sad. I keep having bad dreams about my ex hooking up with and falling for new women. I spent so much time trying to get over him and the feelings of rejection and not being wanted. Now I'm with someone new and I fought myself from developing too intense feelings for him before we got together and now it's been a constant struggle to not be numb with him. Things don't feel comfortable yet with the new guy, things always feel weirdly rushed, almost like we're both in a huge hurry not to bore the other one. I still have a lot of worries concerning his hangups about his ex and all his other externalized toxic nonsense that no dude seems immune from being infected with.

I do also have cramps. And I haven't had a proper meal, just redbull and chips for two days straight.

I'm sad.

1:26pm

15 OCTOBER 2019

Attempting my first blog post at my new guy's place while he makes breakfast. It's a freaking odd feeling clacking away on a keyboard while he's standing right there. But eh, gotta get comfortable, right? We gotta be able to be honest with who we really are, especially me. I'm so freaking sensitive with rejection and uncomfortable being myself with anyone but my ex. I have to get over that.

Feeling kinda bad for my ex. I sorted out my feelings about feeling chaffed about him dating - it's just change was bothering me. And the fact that he'd said exactly the opposite so soon before hand. But then his date did not go well and he's back to being down. Though, before everything went wrong, his happiness and lack of irritation with me and my situation spoke volumes to the fact that I was right - he isn't actually still hung up on me emotionally. He's just scared of being single and dating new people again for all the obvious reasons.

Aside from all that, things are good. I'm truly just trying to enjoy life. It's sapped me of most of my creative energy but I shouldn't be surprised. Boredom is a truly important force for creativity, perhaps not the only but a chief one.

9:43pm

10 OCTOBER 2019

I really need to vent. I'm so full of conflicting feelings.

My ex had his first date last night. He texted me at work saying he'd be out and somehow I just knew. Probably because he usually tells me where he's going, but I'd also been getting a slightly different vibe from him lately, too. I got hit with a cold, sinking feeling and I've been upset and sad ever since. I think part of it is the way I found out - a vague text leading to me having to ask. And feeling of being left out of his life. And that I won't be the most important person to him anymore. And that he may have found someone better. I suppose these are all fairly normal things to feel when our exes move on. I guess. I didn't care with my other exes I cared about far less, but I barely even liked them as friends and only cared with one when I selfishly used him as a back-burner dude when my ex and I would be on breaks.

All day it's all I could think about. Turns out it didn't go well, but only because he tried to introduce her to kratom and she predictably spent the night vomitting. Of course I've also combed through his social media trying to figure out who it might be. She might still hit him back up so who knows. I wonder at his decision for that - he said he wanted to introduce her to something he loved, but it may have been that he thought he might get laid and thought it'd help him last longer in bed. Either way it was a pretty selfish move considering how many other people he's gotten sick trying to share that joy with

I'm trying to console myself and cheer myself up. I'm reminding myself that this is proof he's still thoughtless and kind of selfish (maybe, who knows if she's the kind of person who would have genuinely enjoyed that), and that he's still not the best roommate. Our place is still gross and it's both our faults. He's just not what I need. And there's all the hurt he caused - of course one of my first thoughts is whether she fits his physical ideal better. Did he go for what he wants or did he decide to play it safe by shooting low? Probably not the latter, he's pretty superficial. Plus I know I invest less time in my appearance than all the chicks around here, she's guaranteed to look better than me. Maybe she was even younger, I'm sure he wouldn't find that weird. I guess I'm not one to judge since my current guy is more than 3 years younger than me

Why does this hurt? Is it just because it feels like another nail in the coffin of what we used to have? What we used to have wasn't even good - it sucked. It's just been this fun goofoff like, weird post-relationship honeymoon we've been having is giving me the illusion that things could be great, even though they're still not. And if it weren't for all the amazing adventures and times I've been having with my new guy I'd still be completely miserable.

And of course there's where my new guy stands in this torrent of feelings. Obviously it's awful for me to feel like this at all. It's like the pain of knowing my ex is moving on is completely overriding anything I feel for my new guy. It's probably good that I'm going out tonight and not gonna see my ex today. [As soon as I finished typing that last sentence I immediately checked my phone to see if a text had shown up from my ex telling me he'd be home after all. Instead there was just one from my new guy with a sweet message]

If he felt like this over his ex, and I knew it, I'd probably leave him on the spot. It's not fair and I need to get my head straight.

28 SEPTEMBER 2019

oh my GOD. It's been an entire month since I have journaled. It's been a fucking rollercoaster and I've barely processed it but now that I am I'm starting to feel all the giddiness that I've been in too much shock to process.

I went to Utah with my new guy. It was incredible. I got to see Pando - the number one item on my bucket list. He planned like 90% of the trip, and found a lot of amazing locations for us to visit, including natural arches and a waterfall. We attempted to, on a whim, go up a trail that led up a steep mountain. We failed together, then tried again and succeeded which was wonderful. There was a concerning fight - I didn't like how it was precipitated, his immediate response to me trying to talk about it was completely deflective, his response to my being hurt was to pretty much be resentful then try to talk about it at a time when we were in public, then he did what I absolutely hate and essentially just waited for me to not be mad anymore. Other than that, though, everything was pretty magical. And I wasn't perfect myself, a donked up a few things though nothing major or not immediately fixable. Utah was breathtaking. It was so different from any part of the world I've ever seen. We flew over the grand canyon and whatever was between that and Phoenix - the world below us was completley dead and lifeless, it looked so alien. Trekking around certain parts of Utah felt like I had crawled inside Warcraft III and WoW into Mulgore, the Barrens, and Thousand Needles. Those game designers did an incredible job because it was uncanny. We could see the rocky mountains of colorado in the distance. The waterfall was incredibly romantic, some lady saw us together and asked to take a picture because she thought we looked so cute, it was really nice. I pushed myself physically as hard as I could. He does not share my fear of heights and falling and wanted to go up paths that made me sick but I did them anyway, mostly for him but just a little to make myself do something that makes me uncomfortable and afraid. I would not have done them otherwise, that is for sure.

My ex predictably blew up when I told him I had planned the trip. We went through the whole "fuck you, get your own place, don't ask me to do shit for you" etc etc. In the end he relented but it started to sink in that that really needs to happen, as much as I don't want it to. And the signs are all around me that it does - I still can't rely on him for little things as a roommate and he just has no standards. I obviously don't either, that's why our place is in bad shape, but when I pick them up I at least know what clean is. It's like he can't break out of the do-as-little-as-possible mindset, to the point where he doesn't understand what baseline clean is. Or he does but the idea of achieving it is still beyond his desire to achieve.

But then I'm left with what will happen on my own. In a lot of ways, I will be throwing in almost exclusively with my new guy. My ex will finally start moving on with his life and that's gonna mean finding a new romantic interest which will exclude me. I don't know if I'm ready to trust the new guy. It's not just that I haven't had a ton of time to get to know him that well, and the tiny little signs that something might go wrong. There's the big issue of his kid, and that I don't want a relationship with it. I actively find it annoying when he brings it up and I think "gross" when I think about it - the pictures of him with it somehow showcase the grossest parts of kids - the half-dressed or undressedness, the stickiness, the dirtiness, the cheap plastic crap toys and shit they're constantly surrounded with. The kid's mom sounds gross as well.

My dislike of his kid goes deeper, and I feel a teensy bit bad about it but I'm not sure if I should. I feel like the kid and its mom are a threat to my relationship with him. And frankly, I don't see how that's wrong. Having a child is a soul-bonding act that inextricably links two people together, their genes mix and her blood creates a new life that is a piece of them both. That is something I have never wanted to fucking do. He's done it with someone else, and it wasn't me. He also freely admitted that after the kid was born, it become the sole recipient of his love and affection. He realizes now that was a mistake and one of the things that likely ruined his relationship with his ex, yet is that something he would be able to just instantly correct and balance in his life if he got access to his kid again? I asked if he'd want full custody of his daughter were it offered and he said yes but that it would never happen.

It begs a lot of questions that can only be answered by talking to him, though it might be futile. I asked him once if he'd considered the possiblity that he was filling the void left by not being able to see his daughter with his relationsihp with me and he got pretty pissed and defensive.

I know how I feel on the deepest level. I feel like he is the guy from my dream, the one I met for the first time in that dream who I chased through realities. I feel like he's my soulmate. I feel like he fucked up our love by pumping a baby into some crazy gross chick who already shat out a bunch of kids by a different dude. Like I was meant to be the sole focus of his love and affection and it's always going to be split with some kid that has nothing to do with me

7:26pm

28 AUGUST 2019

Had some me time, feeling a little better and more like myself. It's good, I feel like I got the time I needed to internalize what's been going on and kind of come to terms enough to feel things and it's.. kind of crazy.

But AHH about that for right now.

I'm having a very nice morning to myself. Weed, energy drink, the internet. I really do love the cozy feel of getting baked, tasty stimulating drink, and exploring the universe and any topic I can imagine by sitting on my ass.

Though I've yet again hit the age old dilemma of what to do with my wonderful little morning?

10:51am

24 AUGUST 2019

Jesus backflipping cartwheeling Christ it has been a long time since I've journaled. And this first session is going to be interrupted in a minute by the delivery of tacos. I am eternally grateful my roommate/ex is still willing to cook for me and help me out like that. Also, being cooked for is just the best.

I have been getting a little lost in this new guy but not in a bad way. I've been hyper aware of my tendency to do that, but not defensively so, and I've just been letting myself kind of go for a ride, observe, and see who he reveals himself to be. I'm becoming white-knuckle terrified about my trip with him to Utah next month. It's such a long flight, I hate flying, the plane could crash, we could get stuck on the runway both ways. I'll likely get motion sickness and that'd be the longest I've ever had to endure it. So scared. And then all the things that can go wrong on an excursion like we're planning. If not death by accident, wilderness, or random stranger violence, I could ruin the whole thing by being a party pooper. It could be how I found out he's crazy. This could be a ploy to leave me dead in the woods. Society could collapse while we're there leaving me hundreds or thousands of miles from my ex and my cats who are pretty much my family.

But enough about him, my first post in almost a month should not be entirely dude centered.

Been reading a little more lately. Got halfway through Revolt 2100 by Heinlein (terrible, tedious, dude is a overrated old misogynistic priveleged white man). Reread Dragonsong by Anne McCaffrey (excellent, I loved it as a kid but it was better than I remembered). Also just finished Parable Of The Sower by Octavia Butler (best book I've read in years, one of the best ever, engaging and hard to put down)

Parable was particularly inspiring. I prefer to go into stories totally cold with no preview or even a glance at the synopsis so I'm completely surprised. To my shock, it's a post-climatechange story about a teenage girl who invents her own religion both as a interpretation of her own life observations and as a way to try to guide the world and humanity. The story had a big emphasis on community and people's need for one another. It all hit uncomfortably close to home. It reminded me I have to keep my own space and not lose myself in someone else.

Gotta decide what to do with the rest of my evening. Draw, dick around on the internet, maybe watch something. Maybe I should go back and try to read some of my writing. Or I could get nice and caffienated and keep reading - that appeals to me most. I reeeeally want to reread the Elric of Melniborne series though that I'd have to pirate to read. I could also read Neuromancer finally.

Man, staring at this screen is making me realize that it makes my eyes a bit uncomfortable, way more so than reading a book in a well lit room. I should already know this after the night I spent years ago reading and my vision slid slightly out of focus and never went back. Gotta be careful and take better care of my ojos, and myself.

Reading my old writing or continuing to read are my most appealing prospects. Granted, I'd rather read anything but my own stuff. This day is for me, though, so it's to do with as I please.

5:46pm

2 AUGUST 2019

I'm busted inside and I need to fix myself or I'm going to miss out on one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

I always wanted to find a guy I could connected with, mentally and emotionally. I found him. He's my dream guy in so many ways. I crushed on him for months. I find him physically attractive - extremely physically attractive.

And I go numb when I'm with him. My emotions shut down, I go cold, and I feel so physically shut off and withdrawn. I already know what the problem is: it's fear. Pure, unadulterated, unmitigated terror. He's the best guy I've ever met. There's such a high potential for myself to fall deeply in love with him. It would be the most vulnerable, most in danger I will ever be in. Not just from him hurting me, but then living with the fear of losing him once I finally accept that he is mine.

I don't want that. I don't want to hide from my feelings. I want to feel everything with him, I want to throw my fear away and love him with abandon. But it's like I just fucking can't. I want to believe the things he says to me but I'm too scared to accept them because I'm worried I'm going to find out it's all a lie all over again. I keep feeling afraid he's all of my exes rolled into one, even though everything I've learned of him suggests he's nothing like anyone I've ever known before. And on an emotional level, he's so much like me.

It really feels like he is the other part of my soul I've been searching for all this time.

10:02pm

30 JULY 2019

I can't tell if I'm letting myself get pressured into stuff I don't want or if I'm attempting to tolerate things I know make me uncomfortable for the sake of not fucking up this time around what I fucked up last time around. Honestly I think it's a little of both - the things are kinda happening without my input. I could pull out and say no but instead I'm going for it.

I better fucking be able to sleep tonight. If this is one of those nights where I'm sleepless because I'm too nervous so I'm drained and dead the next day I'm gonna be sad and mad

I just realized I should probably set my alarm a little earlier just to be on the safe side even though I pretty much got ready already. Very, very scared about tomorrow. It looks like I'm gonna meet his fucking family; fuck, I've been avoiding that successfully for a decade. Not that that's a good thing but I can't deny I've been enjoying avoiding virtually all parental judgement all this time, it has only done my sense of self and mental wellness a world of good.

I hit my vape pen FAR too hard and I can't stop coughing. Agony. I need to not do that again I'm clearly losing my tolerance.

Tomorrow is also going to push me in a lot of ways physically and mentally. I'm traveling far as fuck on my own in an uber to get to him, then traveling even farther from my safe, happy little home and all of my necessities. Then we're going on some boat snorkeling excursion so there's going to be a stranger possibly just sitting around waiting for us. Likely there's going to be other people. I'm going to be out all day in the heat, the sun, frying my skin, my hair will look like shit, no makeup. At some point I'm probably going to have a violent, unexpected bowel movement. God knows it'll probably happen at the worst possible fucking time and distract me from my ability to enjoy things. Oh yeah, I forgot, I'm expecting my period the day after tomorrow so it could always come early! Or in the middle of the fucking day tomorrow! Life is genuinely fucking unfair.

OH MY GOD. I'm still coughing. Goodbye cruel world my time has clearly come. Death by fat wax hit

Pray for me, unknown people or probably web-crawlers who somehow stumbled upon my journal I need to take some me time from this guy ASAP. I miss my me-time. I cannot lose my sense of self. It is too precious and takes so much work and time to acquire.

11:23pm

28 JULY 2019

So. That breakneck speed I mentioned.

He already told me he loves me. I kind of saw that coming.

I feel like I'm starting to lose myself in this. I don't want to. But I'm not sure if I'm making fair assessments and I'm not maintaining my objectivity in this.

9:44am

24 JULY 2019

Really need to vent. Head and heart hurt and I'm so frustrated I can barely type. Ex came in after he got off work. I was really hoping for kind of a peaceful afternoon, that he was coming around and might be ready to just be friends and start dealing with his own stuff.
Instead he came in and ... ugh. My own view of the situation honestly is warped just because of how upset he gets me. He brings out the worst in me in these situations and I have so much bad behavior and response conditioning I need to unlearn if I ever want to have a healthy relationship again and be able to feel again.

He came in. He was quiet and seemed moody this morning, the same was true now. I pried and perhaps I should not have but goddamn I thought we were just gonna be open from now on. I hate not knowing, everyone hates not knowing, so just open up and say it. So I insisted. And it blew up into a fight with a new level of nastiness from him with some of what he was saying, in retrospect.

I feel like my mind is a fucking labyrinth of bullshit from going in circles iwth him.

Maybe he's right. Maybe the best thing is that I get my own place away from him. I'm so fucking scared to live on my own, I'm still so depressed and I have such a hard time keeping up with food especially when I get depressed. I'm scared of falling into another deep, terrifying black pit of madness like I have when I've lived alone and I felt genuinely close to completely losing my mind to unmitigated existential terror and it took days for me to get my mind back together to funcion normally and over a year to just be able to live day to day again without constant pangs of mortal terror and despair.

My other options are rooming with a stranger or near stranger, or the new guy if he would even be interested and I don't know that he would. I moved in with my ex right away because I couldn't afford rent on my own in the short time I had broken up with my ex before him. I'm in this endless chain of dudes who are doing repeatedly more damage to me with each one in the chain. Do I continue with the now utterly foolhardy hope that this new guy is somehow different and might actually help me?

I am a lot older and a hell of a lot wiser now than then. This new guy is totally different than any of my exes.

So what the actual fuck am I going to do? I talked a big talk to my ex about "I WANT to get my own place" and part of my does... when I have some measure of strength which I was counting on him to help me get, he knows that

And what am I going to do right now? The new guy texted me 3 hours ago and I havent responded. I'm letting bullshit from my last relationship spill into this one and he hasn't. I'm fucking that up. I care about him so much I do not want to do anything to drive him out of my life. I just don't want to think about or talk about it to him. Should I? I just don't know what to say now that it's taken me so long to respond. I want to apologize. Welp just sent him a regular text with no explanation. Maybe that's better. I guess I can try to vent about this next time I see him. I miss him right now and wish I could hug him.

8:31pm

23 JULY 2019

Trying to read the book he gave me and deal with all the fear and uncertainty I feel consumed with right now. Despite all my ramblings about decisiveness, I'm terrified.

No one is guaranteed love, no one is entitled to relationships. I'm free to walk away from what I don't like. I need to be open and risk the hurt and appreciate anything I have in the present because it is not guaranteed and when it's gone I'll have no problem feeling the loss so I may as well enjoy the benefits.

3:22pm

I saw him. We had another night together. It still wasn't good. I don't really have much hope for that.

I'm starting to see that this is wonderful but it might not work

I'm so insecure. I don't believe the nice things he says. I feel like I can't believe him. I'm trying but... it's like I can only calm down and clear my head enough to let my heart feel this for moments when I'm alone. When I see him I go numb and I don't know how to put those fucking walls down.

I feel like I deserve this and it's not fair that it's being kept out of my reach by the damage in my mind.

I care about him. I want this. I don't know how to make this... work. For me. I don't know what's really going on in his head. I know what he tells me and he's unambiguous but I just think, "Is he telling me what he thinks I want to hear? What he thinks he HAS to say to get me to stay?"

There's also a part of me that is just terrified and is sure I'm not ready.

Finally, there's all the parts of me that scream I'm a fugly unloveable joke of a human being and I'd be a fool to believe anyone could mean what he says to me

12:22pm

22 JULY 2019

He's back. I see him in just a few hours. I'm terrified. I'm excited.

10:24pm

21 JULY 2019

Welp. Had a pretty damn good day to myself - got some book reading done for the first time in my free time in god knows how long, probably years (I've been working my way through a Sagan book at work and inching along, its taken literally over a year since I usually just leave work to get high instead of sitting on my break). Did literally nothing I had planned for myself, didn't even watch anything new. I revisited a little of V for Vendetta - a seminal movie in my development as a person which helped me to realize what awakes passion in me. I can see how it was coopted by neckbeards as a tool for evil, though it has its merits.

Things have also been chill with my ex for now. I hope he is getting comfortable with the idea of being friends and not being so jealous but based on history I'm probably being overly optimistic and after I start going out again he's start freaking out again.

My new guy is supposed to be either tonight or tomorrow from his trip. So it's definitely time to voice my misgivings to myself at the very least.

First, there's how incredibly fast this has seemed to be moving. According to all vague, arbitrary 'societal rules' for how fast things should be moving, this is nosebleed level stuff. When we had sex I was scared we were already nearing L-word territory and stuff he's said has been right on the border. At least I think, he could just be enthusiastically expressing himself accurately and not be hinting at something bigger.

There's also how little space I've had this entire time. The pressure to text back all the time is a lot, especially for me. There's the lack of time to miss him and recharge and have my solitude time, too. I get irritated hearing from him and I don't want to feel that at all. He doesn't remotely deserve it.

Then there's how not great the sex was and how I foolishly went for it with no protection after not knowing this guy not NEARLY well enough yet, like JFC what was I thinking? I know - I was feeling drunk on my feelings for him, like I can trust him that completely already and that the way he was feeling was overwhelmingly good and I wanted to feel as close to him as possible. It was beyond foolish and risky, I could have some kind of STI festering right now and I won't even know until I request an actual screening. Frankly, it doesn't speak that great to him either that he went for it after not knowing me well enough, either. Maybe he was just as caught up as I was.

I intend to talk to him about that, and to kind of confess how much I did not enjoy the sex while avoiding at all costs making him feel bad about it in any way if possible. Just, fuck, I'm so bad at expressing what I want and need in situations like that. I'm scared shitless of scaring him off even though it feels almost too overwhelming already. I guess when I lay it all out like that, it's pretty apparent I'm still letting my insecurities get the better of my logic. I have to remember it's not about anything but logic. My own desire to be as careful as possible and trust as little as possible in order to avoid feeling humiliated has to come second to logic (and also has not fucking worked at all so it's probably time to give up that method)

I bought gifts for him already. I got the idea from him already mentioning it to me but I really want to do that better this time around, too. I'm nervous as hell about that as well. I don't want something to go wrong, not primarily because I'll be out the cost, but because then I won't be able to give it to him and will have to wait to try to make him happy. I hope I got the right things and did not fuck this up, I tried to be super careful. We shall see!

I'm crazy about him, I want to feel this 1000% without reservations or inhibitions. I really hope he didn't give me AIDS. Either way I'm still excited to see him again. He's been giving me every indication to trust what he says with a single exception - it seems like he's told me nonrelevant lies at least a couple times. First about calling out sick to work - he claims he never had, then when called out said it was only when deathly ill, but I know he skipped to go to a concert recently. Also his time he said for the cruise didn't match when he said he was going by a couple of hours, though he posted plenty of pictures implying he did go. Though, I suppose, for all I know he's there with someone else (that is a stretch of a suspicion considering how much time he spent texting me. It seemed like a ton on my end and I was laying in bed with literally nothing else going on)

I also really, really hope he didn't get me pregnant. That's been one of my primary concerns with this guy from the beginning - you can't really trust a guy with kids NOT to get you pregnant. If he's done it once, he may do it again.

3:53pm

20 JULY 2019

Today has been proceeding unexpectedly, in an enjoyable way. I really didn't expect to hear from the new guy while he's on his trip so I was operating thusly. I woke up, looked around, decided to make meditating my very first order of business. Then my phone went off with a text from him. That turned into a converstaion, then my ex wakes up and the cats are meowing and the day begins. Meditating was out the window though I suppose I could have insisted and ignored my phone but ehh.

I've done nothing I've planned, in fact instead I bought a couple of gifts for him. I'm making it a point to try to care more about what he likes and is into and remember even if it's not something I like. I realize what a piece of shit I was in that respect to my ex and I have no wish to repeat it. Hopefully I didn't fuck up, I tried to make as sure as possible based on what he told me. Treated myself to some new stuff too, of course. Like, $80 of new books. I do love books.

I also ordered food for the first time in forever. I stopped because something always goes very wrong, like not just a little like food-ruining wrong. It's funny, though, when I just accept that I have no strength and it's ok to order because I'm weak, it actually makes my appetite feel more normal. Instead of beating myself up for not having the strength which always makes me feel so much worse. I believe so strongly in kindness to others, I've GOT to start applying that to how I treat myself.

3:53pm

He left town today on a cruise for a couple of days. I managed to screw up royally by taking a nap before seeing him and oversleeping and missing him altogether. He was sweet about it. I already had started to miss him after not seeing him for a couple of days, but I'm also looking forward to a bit of solitude to unplug and really unwind.

Had a long talk with my ex. Hopefully made some progress towards estbalishing a real friendship with him and easing away from the psychotic manipulative crap I'm used to from him.

Still feel skeptical about the new guy's authenticity and his motives (does he really mean all the sweet things he's saying? is he just lonely? projecting?). but I HAVE to let that go. He's worth it. I took a risky trip to work to retrieve his headphones and I actually did it. I want to be a better person, not for him but he's giving me extra motivation. I want to try to be my best version of myself finally, as much as that prospect has always terrified the hell out of me and I'm not even entirely sure why

But enough about him, the next two days are all about me. As per usual I have zero idea how I want to spend the time. The apartment is gross but I loathe the idea of talking cleaning this up alone without my ex's assistance yet again in my life with no emotional support dealing with the grossness I find. I should definitely meditate, I've been enjoying tinkering with my sites again so maybe that? I have to eat as much as possible. I can try to educate myself more on the topics I've been meaning to. I can... idk, vidya games?

I guess at the very least I should start my laundry. That's going to take more time than a day and I'd very much like to be able to take my pick of all the clothes I've bought to make myself happy. So, laundry, meditation, watch new things or nostalgic things I desperately need a refresher on like Korra. Rewatching Avatar definitely felt good.

Pretty happy with this version of my site. The colors make me happy and it matches my computer setup which I also love.

I could also work on a bit of jewelry making. IDK. Perhaps just rest and food is my best course of action. I am so tired and worn feeling all the motherfucking time

I want to work on my religion as a tool to save the planet. I want to work on my unified theory of science/marxism/taoism. I want to reread my writing and see if I actually have anything. I want to work on my stories. I want to abandon my goddamn fear of judgement of my work and just fucking create for the sake of pleasing myself and exploring my own thoughts, ideas, and mind.

And I do very much want to see him again. I need to get him a gift.

Ok, I got it. Tomorrow I meditate, work on my main site, do laundry, watch my happytime bullshit.

12:23am

17 JULY 2019

My ex made a couple of actually unbelievable moves. He's still helping me for now. He started drinking. He went to see a therapist who apparently wants to talk to me about my impression of him and his substance abuse problems. I agreed, I want him to get help and happiness.

I'm resolute in my decision to open my heart to this new guy. Win or lose, at least I stand to win. If I stay closed off I lose no matter what. I'm scared, but frankly he's already worth it.

10:55pm

I've been feeling so disoriented and shaken up. I have no roots, no real foundation. I'm just being swept down the river of time.

I lost myself a long time ago. I searched hard within and without. In the end, I found my truths, and realized all I can do is be true to myself and be good to the people around me.

I care about my ex. I spent years caring about my ex. I gave him a lot of me and got rejected over and over and over.

I care about this new guy, so much. Despite any hiccups or flaws in what we have, despite his terrifying past, he means so much to me and I've been addicted to his presence for ages.

I can't let my ex manipulate me anymore. I can't let myself get confused or overrun by fear.

Fuck it. Fuck it all. If I'm doing this I need to let go of everything and go all in with no fear. Otherwise I'm going to miss out, accidentally cause pain, or worse. Maybe I'll get hurt again, shit, I probably will. This seems to have a likelihood of near zero of working out, I think the best possible outcome is for it to fizzle out and us be friends. If it does work out like that, I'm sure it'll be when I finally let myself feel something again so I can be as hurt as possible. But I can survive, I'm strong, and it would feel so good to have a friend again even if it's another steeped in hurt. Maybe then I'll at least have one real, solid friend in my life.

Ultimately, I need to do me. And if other people want to be near me or with me while I do me, that's good. If me doing me means trying to make someone else happy because it's what I want, that's ok too. I just can't lose myself.

5:55pm

16 JULY 2019

My life has taken strange turns and I feel... I don't know what to feel anymore.

We had sex for the first time last night. It was not great. It was largely my fault, but also left me feeling a little concerned. But on an emotional level it's runaway-locomotive style stuff. I can't put my fear down to actually feel it entirely though and I know I'm missing out on something I won't get again, like I did in the beginning with my ex. There is a lot I mourn about that relationship but I still see my hand at least partially in the root of some problems that came to fruit later.

Then there's my ex and our situation. I'm still beyond insecure and my anxiety hasn't magically disappeared, nor my feelings of despair. My health is shit and in the past week while experiencing the terror of new romance I've allowed it to decline. I know my problems could ultimately kill me. I don't know if I need his help, but I fucking want it. I'm so exhausted and still feel hollowed out after what he put me through. I'm weak. I could live without someone to lean on but it would really suck.

My ex knows about the new guy. I wasn't exactly hiding it well, I doubt I could if I tried, and I had no real desire to do so. Of course, despite everything he put me through, not wanting for me for literally years and screwing with my head over it to keep me from leaving, he's telling me he really knows he still loves me. I can't believe him, it would be objectively stupid to do so.

I know, ultimately, he's just being jealous. If he had any real feelings for me he had the better part of a decade and the entire last year to show me. But he's repeatedly reinforced that our breakup was justified and that in a lot of ways I just can't and likely never will be able to rely on him. I especially know this is true because there are tasks he does for "us" that that he's more than capable of performing competently but just fails utterly because it's related to me and, therefor, subconsciously relegated to be a minimal-effort-task.

On the other hand, the new guy has this silver tongue and makes my heart soar with the things he says to me. He makes me so excited to be with him. And I can't believe how attractive he is - not my priority but very hot icing on a very desirable cake.

7:47pm

14 JULY 2019

After my last doom and gloom post it's important that I acknowledge something else.

This guy and the time we've had has been profoundly special to me. He is special to me. If he is a liar, he is magnificent at it and I've thoroughly enjoyed the illusion of how he's made me feel. Regardless of whether or not he is genuine, I'm going to do my best to express to him just how he makes me feel.

I always used to believe sex should be about expressing through physical sensation how the other person makes you feel emotionally. Hopefully I can successfully actuate this belief and make him feel any of what he makes me feel.

10:03pm

Life has taken a very unexpected turn with this guy. I've adored spending time with him. He has a scary past, but aside from that everything he says seems to be too good to be true. I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. We're supposed to hook up tomorrow. I'm excited, I want this, but I'm also beyond terrified

I'm also not sure how I feel about my situation with my ex anymore. I never felt amazing about it - we have a happy little life but it's without passion or romance which I missed, I still don't feel like I can totally trust him and he has done weird little things to betray my trust, and I still can't really depend on him to just be a grown responsible human.

I have no notion or desire to "throw it all away" with my ex because I think this new guy is some wonderful alternative who is going to make my life better. On the contrary, a lot suggests things wouldn't work out with this guy longterm and I'm unlikely to really be able to compete with his baby mama (can anyone really?)

I'm still very much worried I'm being lied to and manipulated, in fact it seems almost certain to be true. I don't want to want too much. I just want some nice moments and to share some affection. That's all I've wanted and that's what he and I have been doing and it's been great.

The problem is, tomorrow it's going to be beyond obvious to my ex what's going on. Our deal is that we wanted to try to be friends. I explained that after what he did to me, I had no desire to not see other people, and felt no obligation to be exclusive to him in any way even though we were still hooking up. He hated this, but kind of came to terms with it after a couple of fights and a couple of times of me going out. Still, he had this sense of security in that nothing would really happen with me and anyone else. He made a big deal that if I developed serious feelings for someone else or got a boyfriend, he wouldn't want to continue. And I remember being like... 'so you're not really my friend? and this is all conditional?' I wish I could remember exactly what happened in the conversation after that. I think it came around something like me assuring him that I had no intention of getting into something serious.

I don't know what the deal is with this guy, or what's going to happen, or if it's even real. But, is the prospect that this could be serious enough? I know I can't just lie to my ex. I don't want to. But if I go out tomorrow night, for all he knows I'm just hooking up, which is still well within our agreement. Either way, regardless of what he's said, he's going to freak out. He might care about me and like our life, but it's because our life was always a raw deal for me and a great deal for him. He may not want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either.

So, this is likely it. Our life together had a little happiness but it was also full of sickness and sadness. There's much of it I won't miss, and all evidence indicates that things here would never get better no matter how long I stayed. God knows if there will be anything like this in my future to look forward to. But I was never secure here. I guess tomorrow night will be terrible in a lot of ways, as much as I care about this guy I don't have tons of "high hopes" for our first time together.

I plan on telling my ex when I'm sure. Regardless of what's in his heart, we talked things out and he agreed to what was objectively fair. I don't know yet what this is, and until I'm sure should I really risk breaking up our home just to alleviate my guilt over... what? Betraying a guy who never wanted me but may now be having second thoughts because he finally convinced himself to come around? Someone who I begged and pleaded with for affection, who told me he wanted the same, and yet to this day has offered next to nothing despite claiming he wants it to?

9:50pm

8 JULY 2019

It's official. I can't concentrate on anything but this guy. I don't want to want this too much, every fucking time I ever have it's jinxed things. I'm just going to try to be ok with whatever happens and let this be whatever experience it's going to be. In all honesty, in my heart, the most important thing to me still is just trying to get to know him better and maybe get to be his friend. Hopefully if the romantic part fails it won't fuck that up.

5:51pm

I don't know if I'm blowing this. I do not know anything. Idk.

What do I want now? I JUST DON'T KNOW. GUHHHHHHHHHH.

Maybe I should move this project to neocities. It's really nice having this site, it might be nice to be part of a community again. I should really find some kind of guest book for my main page. Also, update it. It's almost 2 months out of date now. I have to dig deep and continue finding motivation to keep moving forward instead of sitting still. I made a big step.

A long time ago, I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. Everything I'd ever thought I'd been had been broken down, then I was on my own and lost. I spent a lot of time trying to understand the world around me and the nature of being a person, the meaning of life and such. Everything points to the interconnectivity and codependent nature of humanity.

Writing helps. I need to review my old writings and move them here. I might just upload them as their raw txt files I write them in, flaws and all

My heart is in my throat over this guy. As I typed that, my phone lit up with another text from him. The pressure of this being real is almost too fucking much and it hurts.

3:36pm

Well, I texted him back and got over that hump of silence-induced fear. Now, no matter what happens, I'm just going to do my absolute best to just be myself and try to be happy with whatever outcome results from this. Even if it all blows up, I took a chance and got to experience a really special moment with someone I care about.

STILL. I also have to keep living my life. It can't all be him. That's another mistake I've made waaaaay too many times in the past. I MUST keep focusing on me. My growth. My happiness. What I want.

Working on my religion and philosophy would be good. Having someone to talk to about it would help and he's the best person I've met and we're back to him already weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. NO. STOP. BAD. Come on bitch get it together.

Working on my religion WOULD help. I need more patron saints. That's been a fun project so far. I feel pretty good about getting a new layout of my little blog here up, with yet another MSpaint-produced background

It's the biggest cliche there is, but life is so fucking weird.

12:38pm

7 JUNE 2019

I've slept on it.

I still haven't texted him back.

I am certain I like him and am attracted to him.

I am like 95% certain I am not ready for this and will fundamentally fuck things up in some way and have already set the stage to hurt this guy (unless I'm actually wrong and he's just trying to mess with my head and manipulate me, which case he will almost certainly succeed)

~~I think I'm ok with the latter part of the above statement. Getting fucked with might be worth feeling like this again. It's agony but it's nice~~ yeah jesus wtf is wrong with me

Ok I'm definitely being driven by horniness. Maybe that's what I should express to this guy. I want honesty more than anything

After honesty, I want his friendship. After that, his dick. That is the order of importance.

Ok, I've got that all clear in my head now. Now what the fuck do I say? I haven't responded to the two texts I got last night, nothing since. I guess part of my uncertainty in how to act next is in feeling like I don't know enough about him or what he wants yet. Perhaps I should revisit what I do know?

He's been telling me for ages he's been looking for a girlfriend, he told me he'd been wanting to ask me out forever, he's pushed with most of the super-obvious hints I've been uncertain were hints (he confirmed they were). I was pretty forward telling him I thought he was hot and fascinating. He returned the compliment and told me I was pretty and that he never thought I'd notice him. He told me all his coworker buddies know he's into me and tease him about it.

And I'm sitting here wondering, is he really that into me? Am I going to weird him out and scare him off by saying the wrong thing? I don't feel that way about him, I want to know him and am already more than willing to raise my tolerance level for shit I normally wouldn't just because I adore him. It's so fucking hard to accept any of this is real.

I think I just nailed the problem. This might be too fucking scary for me. Accepting that this guy that I feel this strongly about may actually reciprocate my feelings and this could lead to something real means accepting having it all smashed into pieces again. Opening my heart to this dude only for him to get bored of me or tell me my tits are too small or rubberneck other women while we walk down the street...

If I want to try to reach for happiness, I have to risk the failure and hurt. Aside from occassionally referring to other women as attractive or having nice bodies (ie big asses) and hating his ex and referring to her as stupid (which is not great) he hasn't said anything that's raised any serious red flags. He's said a lot of things that have actively made me fall progressively harder for him.

Lastly I have to say this outloud somewhere. And it was something he said, I wish I could remember verbatim but I was so full of adrenaline and cortisol. "You like me back, this never happens."

This is the first time in my life I've crushed on someone like this and had my feelings returned. I crushed on my ex but it was honestly different, it was comfortable and I didn't find him "hot", just attractive on an emotional level. In retrospect, it may have been more friendly feelings too and I was just lonely (now I feel kind of dickish, my ex said that to me about falling for me and pretty much demonized him because at that time he was the greatest love I'd ever had)

This guy is different. I feel like he's my intellectual equal. He cares about what I care about philosophically. He's FUCKING HOT. I enjoy his company and want to talk to him about everything. And he actually seems to feel the same way. Never, ever have I had this. I've pined for guys who didn't feel the same way.

Maybe part of it is that I've gotten more confidence at work, even if it's partially fake. He did mention it as a source of his attraction. I'm scared if I drop all my insecurity baggage on him, it's going to ruin this. I'm probably right and things are fucking delicate and I do not want to apply undue stress. I want to keep getting to know him, bond with him, and have him in my life. Plantonic, romantic, but I don't want to lose him.

Another obstacle is our living situations, and frankly my personality. He seems outgoing, at least a little. I obviously hate 99% of society and have little to no tolerance for settings I do not enjoy. He lives like an hour away with his parents. I live with my ex. He does have a car. We both seem to like outdoorsy nature stuff. He's already said ridiculously romantic stuff like "I'd walk you home just to hold your hand" which pretty much KO'd me. My heart is aching so hard. FFFFFFFFFFF.

I think a good start for myself would be a little self care and maybe try to rustle up some courage and confidence. Stop focusing on everything that could go wrong and try to think of ways to make this go right. Things I can share with him or do for him or that he would like or ways to get to know him better and questions to ask him. Literally anything to be closer to him.

All I want is to be close to him and hold him and make out with him. Reviewing everything he's said and indicated, he may be feeling around the same way. But since what truly matters to me the most is him as a person and getting to know him, that's where my focus should be.

Self care. And then get to know him. I fucking hate texting but my stubborn old luddite ass needs to get the fuck over it and live in the present before I find myself acting like a tech-illiterate boomer

God. Dammit. I am so afraid and still full of past hurt but I do not want to run from him.

3:29pm

6 JULY 2019

I'm in fair disbelief over what has transpired over the past couple of days and I need to sort this shit out.

Last night I kissed my crush. But backup. Where the fuck do I even start?

I don't know what I want or if I'm even ready. Now I'm questioning if I even like this guy. A couple of days ago, I was gushing to one of my coworkers over how I feel about this guy. But I have also been crazy horny lately, is that all this was? What if we're both just sad, insecure and lonely and this is going to go too hard too fast and go kaboom? I don't know if I can say yet but it might already be a little on the intense side, I think it is. It is for me. I think? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING INSIDE MY SKULL? FUCK

Ok. So. I am fucking lonely. I feel a need for social interaction beyond what I get now. I'm also lonely on a romantic level, I crave getting and giving affection hard and have not gotten to do so in a long time. I also feel passionately about philosophy and how communism might help the future and have been dying for someone to talk to about it. So, yeah, scary as it fucking is I guess I want a new relationship

Now him. He's a leftist. He's smart, he has a little but not huge overlap in my interests outside of politics. Stuff that might interest me and even shake up my boring tastes I hate breaking out of. He says shit that I WANT to hear.

Then there's all the shit wrong with me. Am I too FUCKING insecure for this? Am I in any way ready for what I want? Will I fuck this guy up somehow? Does he have ill intent towards me somehow? Is he actually who he pretends to be?

10:10pm

21 JUNE 2019

What's wrong with me? Why don't I want to work on this site, and my goals? Why do I feel like I have a mental block when I want to accomplish any obstacle? Why do I spend all my time obsessing over this guy from work? Why am I so scared to make friends and do things when the world is dying around us? Am I just beating myself up because I feel like I haven't accomplished enough in my 20's and now I'm frantically making up for lost time and under the weight of that kind of pressure I'm just continuously buckling and as long as my mind is this infernal prison there's no hope?

I've been trying to not be so hard on myself, practice more self kindness. I don't know if I'm struggling or just giving up because it feels wrong and like it's going to set me up for more disappointment or make me weaker than I already am.

I'm so preoccupied with this guy from work though. I feel so mixed up about it, I really don't know what to think. I don't know if I've vented it here before but literally no one reads this so I can be as repetetive and high as I please

He's a communist, he's younger than me by a sizeable gap (five years), he has a daughter, he's said somewhat crazy things to me, he's vented personal stuff to me. He started one of our first casual conversations by saying it's hard to find a girlfriend in Miami. I want to believe so badly that he's hitting on me but for all I know he hits on everyone and that was so long ago by now he's just as likely to have changed his mind. But even if there's no romantic interest I'd love so much to be his friend. I love talking to him, he's such good company. He makes me feel more comfortable than I have with damn near anyone in a decade besides my one gal pal and my ex with the exception of how nervous I get because of my dumb crush on him.

I have no idea how to broach the subject, at all. I am so scared he only talks to me because he's bored at work or because I approach him and he feels pressure to make conversation or he's just being polite or pities me because I'm so obviously awkward and weird and have shit social skills. I think about him a lot, sometimes just stuff I read that I'd like to talk to him about or things I wonder his opinion on. Maybe I should just try to be smoother at work and straight up pick his brain on political stuff. Wow, look at that, I expressed myself and I actually came up with a single constructive idea. Good job, me. Now if only I could get over my fucking stupid, embarassing, shameful delusional crush-gushing I do in my head where imagine hooking up with/falling madly in love with this guy, ultimately setting up literally any interaction for disappointment because nothing can live up to a fantasy.

On that note, I saw my other old work crush today I had a crush on for polar opposite reasons (the current crush made me fall for him with his words and I didn't notice his looks, the old flame I never got to know but was infaaaaatuated based on superficials though also what little I knew of his personality). My heart still jumped when I saw him. I wrote awful, embarassing love poetry about him, if you could even call it that. More lust-filled rambling prose. Sigh. I miss him.
I think I need to get laid

9:41pm

17 JUNE 2019

Sigh. Another boring afternoon at home not working on any of my goals. As per usual, the roommate and I are just slumped in the living room aimlessly watching star trek or dazing out on devices. I can't concentrate to work on my stories, and I don't feel motivated or know what I want

Fucking terrified that these scratches all over my arm from my cat have succumbed to a nasty infection. It definitely looks infected.
Seriously, what's wrong with me? What do I want? I know I'm lonely and hungry for companionship and affection, and that there are dudes I want to be close to. I have goals and hobbies I care about but I can't seem to get motivated for them, I just feel this loneliness-hunger that takes all my focus. I haven't even felt like I have much to say recently. Hasn't stopped me from chattering away at my roommate, making me realize I do have a bad habit of just talking without thinking.

WELP guess I'm gonna post this boring, depressing ass blog post and continue doing nothing this evening

3:01pm

15 JUNE 2019

Well, today I did something that for me qualifies as brave, even if it is the farthest thing from in reality.

I have a coworker I want very badly to be friends with, but I don't know how and I am so scared that he does not actually want to be my friend and he only makes smalltalk to pass the time. I asked a favor and left my phone number in an email I sent him. So. He has my number

I'm predicting he will not use it to hit me up about the favor, and will be as professional and unpersonal as possible. In fact typing this out I realize just how irrationally insecure and timid I am when it comes to this stuff. Maybe I'm not cut out to have friends. Still, it scared me and I did it

I do like him a lot. And like so many other things I've cared about, I won't let myself get close because I am a coward and he will slip out of my life and I will do nothing to prevent it

5:19pm

14 JUNE 2019

Still not really feeling super motivated to write. Even with my handy dandy little laptop making it super easy (the keyboard is easier to use than I'd imagined)

Making a little progress with my diet, but still ultimately bumming out. I'm so retarded in so many ways. I think I want friends again cause I feel lonely sometimes and I know it's bad that I only really have one person in my life. But then, I feel impatient and bored with everyone around me at all times. There are dudes at work that would probably make good friends, but because I like them all platonically I also really want to bang them which causes me to act weird. I also stupidly think my feelings for each of them are profound special, yet the fact that I have feelings for all of them precludes that as being possible for any of them. I'm just bored, lonely, horny, and crafting fantasies of them they can't possibly live up to. Like I do with pretty much everything. Sigh, dumb me.

I wish I could find the fire in me to start writing again, fiction or otherwise. But nothing. I feel ready to give up on hoping for a better future and earth. It feels like it's way too late for any of that, and the best any of us can do is simply enjoy the time we have left. I really gotta get around to getting myself a bugout bag.

7:14pm

12 JUNE 2019

Sad. I still feel sad. A lot. Why am I so sad? HMMMMMMMM...

Well I just finished setting up this little laptop I'm currently updating from. It's pretty neat and made me pretty happy for a minute here. I got it with the intention of using it to write more, so that I can take it wherever I want and write and get a little better inspired than just sitting in my apartment, getting high, feeling sad, then falling asleep sitting up in my living room. It was about as cheap as one could possibly get a laptop so even if it is a complete wash for its original purpose I won't feel too bad. At least I'm updating this. That's something

Still feel like an insecure piece of poopoo peepee caca shitfuck ballsnuts

10:51pm

6 JUNE 2019

Still slackin and not updating.

Still feeling like I just don't know what I'm doing. I really want to start meeting knew people, making friends, and quite frankly getting laid. But it's confusing and complicated. I even installed tinder, put up an accurate description and just a picture of one of my favorite books. So many guys swiped back or whatever that I freaked out and haven't been back on since. I responded to one guy. More than half of them I regret swiping on. Then of course I feel guilty because I see all these posts on reddit from guys that have no luck and get swipes back on tinder but no responses and I'm like "shit guess that's me".

I've also been repeatedly checking back on a chat with this guy I met over reddit. That went all weird, I liked him but then he turned out to be traditionally hot so that freaked me out and ever since I've been butchering the conversation. Literally like a month went by with no conversation and suddenly he hits me back up with something lame and generic but holy shit he didn't forget about me. Just knowing he also went through a shitty 'deadbedroom' scenario like I did makes me want to hook up with him. But that was like two days ago and I haven't hit him back so I guess I'm continuing to blow it. Whatever. I don't even know what I'm doing with all this. Even if things went well conversationally, then what? I'm going to meet up with him? Go to his place and try to have casual sex?

And that is why I like seeking out nerdy guys, they make me feel comfortable. So. Fucking. Insecure. Blah.

Then there's, like, me trying to not think about dudes and just be an individual and focus on me. Yeah, not going well obviously.

2:45pm

21 MAY 2019

Man I am not good at keeping this thing updated. Time keeps on fucking slippin.

Worked a lot on my short story. Accidentally lost all my changes because of the inconsistent way I was working on it and my absent-minded tendency to not just be freaking careful. So that hurt a lot.

Dunno what I'm doing. Not doing great with my weight-gain goals. Just. Dun. No.

BLEH

23 APRIL 2019

It's my day off and I'm feeling aimless as usual. Not depressed or shitty which is nice.

Bought plane tickets for myself and the roommate, gonna go back to my home town to visit. See the sights, visit my mom, get away from the big city for a change to a place of lower people density. I hope. It's been years since I've been back, last time I was there it had changed and developed a bit.

Still having issues with food and just plain wanting to eat consistently. It just doesn't appeal to me or excite me like it seems to everyone else. I kinda miss it.

12:27pm

22 APRIL 2019

I'm always filled with an odd sense of guilt whenever I leave work early, no matter how ok my department is or how much my bosses do not care. I should really identify where exactly it stems from because it's really fucking stupid, especially since I'm home now and I should be enjoying my precious freedom.

I supposed my most important order of business is finding how I WANT to spend my time but that is always the problem with me: indecision and buckling under the pressure of living knowing I'll someday die.

On that note, guess I'll work on my sites till something better occurs to me!

4:20pm

21 APRIL 2019

I am still both surprised and delighted that iframes are supported by mobile browsers

12:23pm

Overall I'm pretty goddamn pleased with how my sites have turned out. This site isn't QUITE perfect on mobile view but the mainsite sure is and both work across all browsers I tried.

Tried a new combination of supplements yesterday and it had me feeling fantastic. I imbibed the following:

Taurine
Lysine
Theanine
Turmeric + Black Pepper
Gingko Biloba
Alfalfa
Chlorella
B-complex liquid
Chlorophyll liquid
Ashwagandha tincture
Holy Basil (Tulsi) tincture

Also a thick shot of coffee with maple syrup.

Just realized my stoned ass posted this yesterday after I initially took it, but I continued feeling great throughout the day which is rare as fuck. Normally by the end of my workday I want to crawl out of my skin

8:51am

20 APRIL 2019

It's so much more satisfying having a proper blog/website than the plaintext blogger I was dumping my thoughts into. This is such a strange hobby to pickup again after half a lifetime. I get occassionally I get hit with these weird surges of memories I haven't touched within my mindbrain in so many years

I had two willfully productive days off in a row, possibly for the first time in my adult life. Wrote, worked on these sites, drew, walked my cats, played with watercolor pencils (such a blast even if I'm obviously still developing my skills - I learned water makes marker lines bleed, too! Do your black outlines LAST)

On that note, I should experiment with doing watercolors with marker. Maybe drop some alcohol on there like in those pinterest videos

This morning I got up and made myself a little mix of supplements to start the day. I really enjoy playing alchemist on myself, I just did taurine, lysine, l-theanine, b-complex, alfalfa, and chlorella followed by a thick ass coffee shot with maple syrup.
Feeling sharp and alert without being jittery or anxious. Feels goodman.

8:51am

19 APRIL 2019

Is it a sign of my age that I have both the disposable income and desire to go to Michael's craft store and splurge on impulse buys? As much as I loathe consumerism, I fucking love crafts

6:56pm

In a final nostalgic gesture (and out of pure curiosity) I added an oldschool hit counter to my main site a few days ago and I'm realizing I get a steady trickle of a single unique hit or two a day. Presumably just people stumbling on the site due to the domain name.
Such a cool feeling seeing a tiny little counter grow again after all these years, though in my preteen years it was more of a "foaming at the mouth excitement and sense of validation" I hear people nowadays say they experience towards their social media posts gaining likes. I can hate on the new web but it's got its roots in the web of old, that is for sure

I'm also eternally grateful that a 'free hit counter' kind of site still exists! Freecounters.co.uk even still has that oldschool style site design and requires no sign up

10:54am

Realized my best option was to get on Neocities, therefor I went with the lazy option of just uploading it to my existing domain
Blog and shitposts are up, all other sections in the works and coming soon!

10:30am

Been poking around at some Neocities personal sites to get a feel for the commmunity and I'm noticing there are a loooooot of recovering trauma cases like myself. Hah.

I wondering if other people find it comforting to know that their 'human experience' is utterly un-unique, because I sure do.

10:13am

Mmmmmm now to decide, where to upload this newly polished piece of fuck? Since right now it only exists on my computer so I'm essentially rambling at my harddrive (and the various govts and corps datamining me) instead of shouting into the void a la the internet.

I bought a domain just for this but I don't have hosting set up, I could make a subdomain with the one I've got that does have hosting, or I could give Neocities a shot for a minute. That part does sound like fun. Perhaps I have already decided

9:57am

Yet another beautiful day off I get to enjoy. Got my weed (or rather wax cartridges and vape pen! So jazzed that with all the other cyberpunkish bullshit that's coming to life I get my futuristic drugs AND it's still just weed!), a tasty energy drink, a cat snoozin in my lap, and my chill little apartment. Life is good.

In other news, on my walk yesterday I cut up a street I don't usually walk down to avoid foot traffic and passed an apartment building that immediately struck me as being the place that I have recurring dreams about but have no other memory of. It had kind of an odd two story layout with individual buildings layed around facing a central courtyard and a murky yellow paint job.
And there the fuck was, just as dilappidated as in my dreams. Most likely I saw it in passing years ago, internalized it, and that's why it's popped up in my dreams ever since.

But I also wonder about the theory that dreams are actually impressions of alternate timelines as our consciousness becomes untethered and unburdened by our senses that are active during the day and our rational mind shuffles through the data we've accumulated during the day. What if that's where I live in a different timeline? It's in my neighborhood and would be within my (until recently) shitty poor person budget. What if my nightmares are traumatic events happening to my alternate self? What if we have no alternate selfs and our consciousness is scattered across realities, experiencing reality in these segmented comparments within our consciousness each holding a different version of reality, and our dreams are simply an amalgamation of all of our experiences for that day?

9:09am

18 APRIL 2019

Feeling pretty good about my day off, which is an enormous change and kind of a weird feeling. Normally at this point I'm neck deep in self loathing.

I wrote, worked on my sites a little and encountered a hard to solve problem I cracked, and went for a walk. I always go with the intention of seeing what little nature I can catch in the city and it was my lucky day! I saw a manatee, some tarpon (fish that can reach 8', the ones I saw were at least 3'), and the same general sponges and coral that are always there and always pretty. Spoke to a couple of men who live on a boat in the small harbor where I saw the manatee, apparently it has taken to hanging out at that spot and they occassionally drop it lettuce which it eats.

Then I got back and did more writing. Just gotta keep this good vibe going into tomorrow!

9:59pm

I cannot get a profoundly simple line of code to work right and it's fucking with me on an existential level

12:35pm

I had not realized I'd already skipped days in here. I think that is what I need to avoid to help keep myself rooted and centered, writing consistently anywhere would likely be excellent for me.

Made it through another couple of workdays to my two shining days of freedom and liberation. Trying to make the best of them by getting more work in on my writing.

But, alas, writing is hard and I am lazy.

9:43am

15 APRIL 2019

Good morning, universe! I'm feeling a lot better, the old noggin is feeling clearer.

I'm putting some work into the daunting task I've started for myself of designing a philosophy/religion. It's been progressing at a real crawl, with a couple of spurts of big progress but those were mostly just getting up the bones which was the easy part. I suppose the easiest way would be to take an existing religion and adjust it, but I prefer building from scratch.

The roommate is back, I'd hate to think that is completely responsible for my improved mental and emotional state. Still, it is nice to have the company again. The cats sure missed him

11:55am

14 APRIL 2019

Home from work and jumping right back into working on this site, though my brain is about as burnt and crumbly feeling as a forgotten piece of toast

11:15pm

Welp, guess I'll write my first new blog post in ages since I'm trying to get going with this new site. I stalled out getting going with my new sites after I finally secured hosting because I'm a lazy sack of crap BUT I'm up and moving again. So to speak, as I sit motionlessly on my ass while I type.

The roommate has been out of town for a few days, I was excited to finally have some time to myself to relax, clear my head, and enjoy some quality me-time. Instead I went into a hard depressive episode. My levels of self loathing have hit an all-time low lately, I can't even enjoy time by myself! Embarassing! Granted my health/eating habits are still also at below where they should be but hey

Not sure how personal this blog is going to get but I already linked to my profoundly personal one at the bottom so I guess the mode is set stream-of-consciosness

In my effort to regain some self esteem after the KO delivered by my ex, I tried finding dudes online to be cuddle/makeout buddies. It went about as well as one would expect - replies from as far away as Spain, dudes clearly just wanting to fuck, weird shit. Ultimately I realized I just wasn't ready for this shit, what I should be looking for is friends.

It was strange having dudes try to impress me, I really do not enjoy that at all. Like sure at first as a novelty it's kind of fun but as a means of getting to know guys as humans it's almost nauseating and so, so phony. Though I suppose it's more in line of standard societal expectations for what an individual should seek in a mate (that's why they want to brag about materialistic shit). I want to know who they REALLY are under the polished exterior they put on to deal with the unlubed painal of life, but they don't want to expose their real selves and neither do I because that shit is scary.

It was a lot of awkward conversations filled with weird brands of posturing but that has got to be largely my fault due to my personal weird brand of social ineptness/insecurities. Though it was good practice in the end and a good experiene

Wow I just made myself smile writing that. Shit is better when I sort it out instead of leaving it in my head to fester and rot.

Also, OMFG I just realized I need to start getting ready for work soon. My life is a painful series of unproductive stretches of wasted time followed by me lamenting how I don't have enough free time when I actually have responsibilities. I should be slapped, repeatedly

Anyway, my efforts weren't entirely fruitless. I did talk to one guy who was nice. At first the talking was more awkwardness but not horrible so we met and again, awkward but not horrible so I went to his place. More awkwardness ensued as we establish we have no truly overlapping interests and we watched a little netflix and laid side by side on our backs on his bed. After a few minutes we began cuddling and just a minute or two after that I went for it and kissed him and it was just like BOOM

It was very obviously the ignition of a lot of pent up affection between two very lonely people for the first time in waaaay too long for both of us.

But in the end, I was not ready. At all. I wanted that because it's what I wasn't getting with my ex and I felt like I needed that to be fulfilled in life. I got it, but I'm realizing I really was craving it because I'd been made to feel so strongly like I wasn't worthy of desire or affection. At least I get the sweet relief of knowing I'm not totally repulsive and can still connect to another human

I absolutely must make it a point to write in here regularly. Gotta keep the old noggin clear and clean so that I don't throw myself into the ocean at long last. Also, gotta start being more positive. Gotta fight them dystopian blues

2:11pm