Journal

2023

4 MAY 2023

Current Mood: ok
Listening to: The Politician - episode 8

I'm like 5 months late updating my little journal on here to archive my entries correctly into the right year.

Fell off the wagon with my feminism website because I injured myself and was in too much pain to keep up with anything that required deep thought. That felt bad, because I was getting consistent traffic. I haven't checked to see if I still am but I seriously doubt it.

On the plus side, I've spent most of my free time doing knitting and crochet. Upgraded my skills, watched a few new tv shows.

Work still sucks. I extended my lease so my roommate and I can wait for a positiong for him to open up. While it's going to be much better for us financially - we save the cost of moving in the short term and I can keep working at what I'm making which is decent - but it's taken away the little bright spot I was looking forward to. Which is an end to my time at my job, one way or another, since the plan before extending our lease was to just move out of this area. Now there's no expiration date, we're just standing by, waiting for an indefinite period of time. And chances are low that it will take a year or longer for something to open up, but it's not impossible. Not even close. Ugh, I just spiraled out thinking about work after typing that.

But I gotta stay strong. I've been working in worse, more stressful conditions than I currently am for so long, all I have to do is keep toughing it out. As tired as I feel, I'm not old and I'm not dead. And it's for my future.

I just hope that better something actually comes.

Granted, I am being selfish and picky. I want a sabbatical, and I am very insistent I don't want do it here. It just doesn't make any sense - I make more money here than I potentially will after I move, AND everything here is way more expensive and not just inconvenient to get to - living and traveling here is excrutiating. I just have to be a goddamn soldier. My feelings don't take precendent over material reality. I just have to try to feel happier and less miserable about my job (not like I haven't been trying, I just have to TRY HARDER).

Then I can rest.

I'm praying for as little work drama as possible, but honestly I just need to make my peace with its existence. A HUGE wave of bullshit is coming. My last boss let conditions rot and now that fresh eyes are gonna come through to clean house, everyone will be on the chopping block. My history is irrelevant because no one knows it or can attest to it, there's too much turnover. Just gotta keep doing my best to keep everything tight and cover my ass.

I also have to do better to enjoy my time off. I haven't been doing a good job, which I never used to struggle with. On the contrary, I'd usually be in the depths of some kind of immersive hobby or research obsession that was so painful to break away from I'd resent my time to work on a whole other level. I haven't gotten into a hyper-focused state in ages.

TV and yarn arts have been pretty satisfying. I gotta get more consistent in flexing my social muscles, too. The need for human interaction is still lingering. I've had big hopes that moving away will help, but it's very likely it's also just ME and how good I've gotten at keeping up walls.

Well, guess I'll spend some time dicking around on social media. At least I have the peace and freedom to keep doing whatever the hell I want.

HAH was just bracing myself to have to find a new show, but this one has a second season! Nice.

7:45pm

1 APRIL 2023

Current Mood: happy yet cranky? idk
Listening to: the birds and the wind in the trees

Unbelievable. I cannot believe I haven't updated this thing in like 3 months.

Well I'm back. My feminism website was pulling all of my energy and focus (tbh, I should be working on it and not this). But I got my own domain name for it and attached it to my godawful godaddy hosting, so now I can stay logged into this account full time on neocities!

I have work in a couple of hours. God, work. So much has happened. I got, like, an almost full refresh on my leadership team once again. All new bosses to have to get used to and prove myself to all over again. However, if all goes well outside of work, I will be almost out of there. I just did inventory and this might be the last one I ever have to do. I don't want to get my hopes up completely just in case, but they're pretty up there.

We want to move, my roommate and I (we also started hooking up again so is he still just my roommate/best friend? Not ready to think about that or deal with that yet). Our lease is ending at the end of June and it's pretty much guaranteed that there will be a sharp increase we cannot afford. At this point, we've agreed it's insane to stay where we are. We live very basic, simple lives and this area has nothing special to offer us, it's just extra expensive and inconvenient. We've looked at areas and zero'd in on one that we really have our hearts set on.

Unfortunately, in addition to a lot of uncertainty factors like finding work in that area, I got a bombshell from my mom. She apparently has been not quite honest about how bad her health is declining (she has gained a LOT of weight), not that I've been keeping in touch as much as I should to find out. It was hard to keep in touch with anyone while depression was eclipsing my mind as badly as it was, but now that I'm feeling a little better I have no excuse. And I'm wondering if I should just move back home and try to help her with her health. She's my mom, I know my sister isn't helping and is potentially making things worse, and I already hate my job and where I'm at. All I've wanted this whole time is a break. But then there's the question of, what will my roommate do? Work in our current city is super easy to find, it's harder to find where we want to go, and it's VERY hard to find where my mom is. On top of that, I don't know if my mom really wants to get well. She was already dealing with so many problems before she started putting on serious weight, and I'd tried to help, but I already had to accept the bitter truth that the path to health isn't an easy one, and for some people (especially when they're older) it's just too difficult a journey to make, and no one can be forced.

Fuck.

Also reflecting on how old my cat is recently. I've gotten in the terrible habit of losing track of time. She has been my constant companion for 16 goddamn years now, she's 18 years old at a minimum. My little furry best friend is old enough to smoke and vote.

I'm also feeling a bit more positive about life in general (a BIT). I keep having these moments where I feel like I'm trapped in a cage and all I can do is slam myself against the walls, but I'm coping better and better (and at times worse, but less often).

Well, we have a trip planned for this month (fuck, it's already April. God damn this shits less than two weeks away, SHIT) to go visit our potential new home city and see if we like it. GOD I HATE TRAVELING SO MUCH. I really really REALLY hope I do not get goddamn motion sickness on this flight again.

And these past couple of months? They've been good. Took a staycation in February with the roomie and did local stuff like visiting museums and kayaking. Then in March we did a couple of days in the big local park which has cabins and casual camping facilities which was AMAAAZIIIING. The cabin was mad cozy, we did more kayaking and saw a spotted eagle ray just cruising through the mangroves, hiked the whole park over, and got a truly obscene amount of mosquito bites.

I have also fallen even worse into scrolling addiction and I know I'm doing it. It's just so hard to stop. I have such a hard time enjoying quiet moments, and the irony is that I know that's also a side-effect of scrolling addiction and if I'd just knock it off for long enough I'd be fine. Well, it's definitely partly because I'm still (very very) slowly trying to become social again now that my brain has healed enough for me to actaully get lonely instead of desperately trying to escape all other people at all times. AND because all the old proverbial online watering holes are dried up and abandoned and I still have yet to find what feels like a replacement community. I'm coming to terms with the fact that the magic of the Old Internet is probably dead forever and I'll never find communities like the ones that used to exist because they CAN'T exist now.

I should probably start getting ready for work and make progress on my site before I go in. I'm going to make it a point to start journaling more and update this thing. I've missed checking out my neocities neighbors to see how everyone is doing.

11:59am