Journal

2021

29 DECEMBER 2021

I can't believe it's the same 24-hour period as my last post still.

I was desperate to get better for my shift tonight, and all that happened was my symptoms got slightly worse and more numerous. Michael and I went to get tested but considering the circumstances (and work policy), I had to call out. This is kind of exhilirating since inventory is a nightmare and it's not my fault I'm missing it so I have no reason to feel guilty. But I'm still so bummed this is moving back my potential timeline with my crush - either receiving the pertinent information to get over it or the possible revelation that this isn't one side, or that he'll at least be open to making out at least once. Tonight wouldn't have been the night anyway, but, I just want answers. And what if there was a possibility, but I waited too long?

I can't stop thinking about the first time I saw him with his hat off. he was standing in the hallway outside the team leader office, and I stood on my tiptoes to peer over the desks just to look at the top of his head.

At least I had a few very productive hours earlier where these intrusive obsessive thoughts weren't bothering me too much. Worked on my websites, practiced a little piano (nearly nailed My Heart Will Go On, then tried to record video of myself playing and could hardly make it past the first verse), streamed the Matrix with Michael.

God, I just want him. I want him so bad. It's not one thing about him, it's every little observable detail. Each one is appealing, and together they really are so much more than the sum of their parts. No one catches my eye like him, and no one has in years. I enjoy being this single-minded, and having such focused attraction to just one person. I know the chances are against me that I'll get anything out of this. I just keep reminding myself of all the possibilities, and how few are good, and how unlikely the good ones are, but my brain responds "So?", because it knows as well as I do that what I'm feeling IS rare and special. I don't get to feel like this often.

Starting to feel sleepy. I just want to lay in bed and think of him anyway. It's stupid that he looks fully sexy in his work clothes, but he does.

10:39pm

I spoke to Michael about Kevin and my burning crush on him that's making me feel like a moth drawn to a light. His first response was "Why are you denying yourself this? There's nothing wrong with what your feeling" in spite of all of my concerns regarding my position, making the guy feel awkward, etc etc. In face of the revelations that he binge drinks and rants some typical misogynistic shit, the tone of his advice changed of course.

I want more data but it's so hard to get. His social media seemed empty which is a clue in and of itself - is he private, or does he just have nothing to say? He's into sports which is a bad sign, he's into bars and going out which is a very bad sign. Based on everything I know about him including approximate age and having grown up here, he's almost certainly a pornsick latino-style misogynist who spends all his money on egirls, or worse, actual strippers and prostitutes. He could be a petri of VDs.

But he's so fucking beautiful. And when I've looked him in the eyes, he's looked down which makes me want to believe so BADLY that he's shy like me but it's just as likely, if not more, that he's just untrustworthy because he hates women or is intimidated by me like everyone else at work. I've seen him make talk with plenty of people besides me with no problem. Granted I'm still bad at making small talk with virtually everyone.

Best case scenario I'm hoping for is that he has a girlfriend now, and I can find out ASAP and start getting over him. Otherwise this is going to keep driving me to distraction, I'll pursue him, risk all the pain all over again and more, with no imaginable "good" outcome except the possibility of temporary pleasure.

I keep imagining how I would even go about it. I've already tried putting out information gathering feelers at work, hopefully the source can be trusted. Just to find out his age and relationship status. And if he's acceptably old enough and single, well, I thought of going to his best friend for advice, but honestly I just want to go straight to him. Ask him bluntly if he's single, tell him I find him attractive, and tell him I want to get to know him better and ask if he wants to hang out after work.

If he's really lonely, and miserable, and feels any of the isolation I've felt, I want him to know how drawn to him I feel and how uniquely beautiful I find him. More than sex, I want to make out with him. I would love to be able to just hold him and kiss him for a while.
Despite knowing better, all I do is create ever more elaborate fantasies of him, making him some further idealized perfect guy in my head. Filling in the all the blanks of what I don't know about him - imagining he wants everything I want, that he's just like me, that he has every quality I desire and find attractive. That he'll be patient, gentle, empathetic, giving, passionate, emotional. I know from my own reading and experience that guys who have that potential just get twisted. I know, logically, how unlikely it is for that to exist, especially for them to coincidentally exist in a guy I find physically exciting. It's a bullshit thing to do, since it's creating an impossible standard for him to meet. In reality, I'm kind of excited at the prospect that we might be radically different, as long as he's not a worst-case-scenario awful. I don't mind disagreeing with him but I don't want to abused again.

Having patience is the worst part. Not having enough information to know for sure if I have even a sliver a chance or not is driving me insane. As long as any hope exists at all, I will live in torment until I tell him and get rejected.

1:34am

29 DECEMBER 2021

First blog post in almost two years. Feels bittersweet. I stopped blogging because I had so many doubts about my relationship with Ernesto, I felt if I kept exploring them to myself and dating him I was going to break my brain. I made the stupid choice and just kept dating him, even though it was obviously going against my better judgement and I knew it but I wanted things with him that bad.

I suppose that's a fine segue to what prompted me to reboot my blog - another guy. Hah. I'm embarassed of how much feelings for men have driven my actions and decisions that have shaped my life. But considering how little direction I had otherwise, I guess I should at least be proud of myself for taking any risk at all.

Ernesto and I had our shitty painful breakup, tried to mend things even though I had heavy doubts we could, and then stopped talking when we reached an impasse on the issue that fucked us up from the beginning - he wants more time and energy than I want to give.

But I don't want to talk about that. I already don't care. I'd started getting over him the moment we broke up, and I lost a lot of respect for him. He looked smaller to me after the things he did. I guess that's why as soon as Kevin started working at my job, I noticed him immediately. His boss (and best friend) had started not long prior and I knew he was a nerd with a lot of overlapping interests.
Man, I'm already bored of talking about this new infatuation of mine. Now that I'm looking at the new layout I made, and perusing old blog posts, I feel a lot less obsessed with him and a little more in myself.

I do, though, think I'm going to pursue things with him. It's the exact opposite of Ernesto - with Ernesto, I saw him, didn't care about him, then fell for him as I got to know him. With Kevin, I saw him and I started falling like a ton of bricks and now I'm burning with the intensity of collapsing white dwarf star. I don't want to get too involved, or try to plan forever with him, or care if he's going to love me fully and completely. I want to get drunk on lust for another human being and do things to him after luring him to my apartment. Will I get to? There's a littany of reasons why I probably won't (and definitely shouldn't), but I still want it and am still going to try.
I'm pretty worried my desires are entirely irrational and will be thoroughly shattered when I get to know him better. He's just so beautiful to me when I see him - from every angle. Looking at his face, the rest of the world goes blurry and slow motion. I see him from the side, from behind, and every inch of him I can see looks appealing. His pale skin, his long neck, his slim lanky body, the way he slowly saunters around the store. I know I'm hoping desperately that he'll be like me - I look at him, and there are things about him that remind me of myself. But I've made the mistake before where guys were so shallow that what I mistook for depth was just a reflection of myself I was projecting into them, that their simplicity was allowing me to see. I think I see a shy, potentially sensitive weirdo. What I've been told about him suggests he's just a mean, shallow normie who fails at normie standards. How horrified will I be if I have sex with him now and all that turns out to be true?

But that's being beyond optimistic. Even if he returned my feelings, it would already be a repeat of my fling with a young bougie boy where I broke out in shingles after two dates with him. As of now, I'm manifesting every symptom of fucking covid after avoiding it for two goddamn years. I was talking shit about not catching it, I shouldn't have because I jinxed myself. And this is a terrible time to be missing work.

Man, I can wax on about how much I might not want this guy once I get to know him, but as of now, as a stranger, just based on his looks, I want him so badly. His face is intoxicating, and all I want to do his picture him when I close my eyes. When I first saw him, and thought how beautiful he is, it occurred to me that some people never hear it, and I thought it would be a crime if that's the case for him. As tight a grip as he has on my heart, a part of me screams "he DESERVES to know he moves someone that way".

11:58am

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Age: 38
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Location: Florida, USA
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