Journal

2020

30 MARCH 2020

Another beautiful day in quarantine. I woke up with a little bit of a sour feeling - Ernesto is already talking about making plans together, which is stessing me out a bit. I just don't think it's safe to go out and do that stuff yet, even if we're not infected, staying home is failsafe; going out into the woods is not. It also is kind of shattering this beautiful illusion that I'm no longer bound by time or commitment and just get to exist peaceably without external demands being made of me.

But it is beautiful. It's sunny and clear, I got another great night's sleep, and I have two happy loving kitties to keep me company. I woke up to just one of my seedlings have sprouted in its cardboard container, but just one. I now have four wildflower sprouts, all appearing to be the same variety. One single seed has sprouted in the ziploc of wildflower seeds, I'm pretty sure it's the same kind. I definitely overpacked all my seed ziplocs and it definitely seems to have a negative impact on their ability to sprout - it also seems to muddy the water in the ziploc and make it icky. More sprouts in the chia ziploc, one in the clover bag, and there's definitely another oregano sapling in its bag but by god those things are so tiny and delicate, I'm certain I won't be able to get it out with my fingers (pretty sure I crushed the ones I tried to extract and plant last night before bed).

There were also aphids on one of the leaves of my begonia. I rinsed them off with water like I read you should, I really need to read about need oil in that respect. My azalea has a lot of buds, I watered it with some of my precious bottled water stock. I really hope it blooms, and that I don't kill my poor begonia. My pothos is going strong, of course. My oat grass also seems to be doing well, seeds that appeared to be damaged are sprouting. I'll be excited if any more of my little seedlings sprout in these cardboard containers. I should have picked more shallow containers to store them in instead of these tall planters but it's done now, especially since I did not cover the bottoms. Just need the roommate to awaken so I can open the bedroom window and plop them in that eastern-facing signlight.
I dumped my failed compost jar in the dumpster yesterday. I saw the garbage truck come this morning, I felt badly - it had to have reaked hardcore. Austin was tied up at the bottom of the porch and tried to run up at full speed, which tightened the loosely secured end of his leash that usually allows him to move up and down, but now strapped him in place. He repeatedly, futiley tried to charge back up the stairs and kept getting yanked back by his leash - I felt bad and of course rushed to help him but it was pretty freaking funny. He's a big sweet coward.

I need to sweep my porch today, and I really need to finally tackle cleaning the inside of my apartment. My roommate and I always talk about it but never actually do it, I think we both have a lot of internalized bullshit tied to cleaning. I know for a fact it was used in both our households as a punishment, so it seems understandable that we should view it that way now and avoid it at all costs.

Today is also going to be another workout day. Yesterday I learned from Ernesto that the workout strategy I was always taught was best by my household, mostly my dad - keep going until you feel like it's going to break you - is a bad one and mostly just likely to injure you. It was a little surprising, but not overly so. So today I can look forward to a less insane workout. My left calf is still insanely sore from what I did two days ago. I also need to look into back strengthening exercises to fix my freaking posture.

I really want to write but I can't bring myself to just do it. I have a hard to reading what I've written. It's weird, with my drawings it's the opposite - I seem to like them more than they're actually worth. Maybe I'm just putting myself down and being way too hard on myself like Michael always tells me. Still, I need to break my shell a bit and just hammer out a story about anything - literally anything. But I go through this cascade of thoughts about what I shouldn't do and why and end up being left with nothing. I still care so much about what other people would think of my work even though I really don't have much intention of showing anyone. I mean, I'd definitely love to write something good be able to show it off. Maybe that's still the core of my problem. I want to be able to show off and get that pat on the head, and I need to be going the opposite route and not writing with any intention of showing anyone.

I really was putting off writing in this blog again because I once again said to myself, "what am I even going to write about?" And as always things just come pouring out of me

It's a beautiful day. I must stop piling pressure on myself and just enjoy the moment.

8:55am

29 MARCH 2020

I've officially been in self quarantine for 10 days now. I don't have much to show for it (despite my lamentations to myself that if I was quarantined along with the other middle class bastards, I wouldn't be bored but would use my time to pursue my many creative projects. Instead I'm still too much of a chicken to start anything) except for having gaining a few pounds, finally, after months of trying. That feels pretty good. I've also successfully completed two days of working out my arms, abs, and lower body. I know laying around allowing myself to atrophy is actively making me feel shitty and detracts from my ability to enjoy this gift of free time. I also want to have the strength to survive the apocalypse, and strength in generally - I like the beefiness working in grocery bestowed upon me, I want that feeling back. But there's also a part of me with severely mixed feelings - I hate the idea of doing this to make Ernesto happy, even though I enjoy his gorgeous body immensely and he's worked so hard on it. Of course a part of me has been terrified he finds me less attractive because my body pretty much looks the worst it ever has - I lost my abs, I don't have much of an ass anymore, I haven't had big boobs since middle school. But I want him to love me and find me attractive anyway, because that's what I've wanted all along - I know I can love and care beyond looks and even acquire a taste for the looks of someone I care for who isn't conventionally attractive, I want that in return.
I have not been writing in here, despite more than ample time to do so. I had the idea in my head that if I'm not doing anything, I clearly have nothing worth writing about. I think, now, that that's wrong and was just me being afraid of diving into my own brain, despite it being one of my dearest ambitions to do so with ease. I must start writing daily. I don't think I'll ever be able to write anything else otherwise.

I still feel fear of embarassment rule everything I do. I gotta shake that.

The little outdoor garden I started has been a big source of happiness for me in all of this. I've made some mistakes, done some good, overall it's been a success. I started a tiny compost pile in a glass jar with old produce scraps - apparently a terrible error, now it's just a stinky jar of toxic sludge barely contained by the top I have on it and I'm afraid to throw it out. My begonia was doing great until aphids started attacking the blooms. I countered by attacking them with a spray bottle of water with neem oil, peppermint oil, and cinnamon oil mixed it - my own recipes I made up. That killed my blooms but not the aphids. My azalea I'd made the mistake of watering with tap water, it really hated that. Both are doing better now that they've been trimmed back. I also discovered only after watering my pothos that the pot it came in had no holes for drainage, so it incurred a bit of water damage.

I've also attempted to plant every seed I could find in my apartment with surprising results. Ernesto was wonderful enough to bring me food seeds, I had no sprouts from the ones I chose - the green beans and soy beans both turned to mush in the ziploc bag, the squash seeds did not germinate at all. I bought an entire pound of wildflower seeds a couple of years back in my desire to be a real life Lupine Lady who scatters seeds to make the world more beautiful, I think I may have ruined them by improperly storing them. I scattered them a few times with zero results, my ziploc bag has produced zero sprouts, and in a little pot of soil one single sprout has surfaced. A little planter of the cat grass seeds that were beat up after I bought them many years ago has produced a few sprouts. I had a little bag of red clover seeds that expired in 2015 according to the label, a handful of them produced exactly one sprout. I also threw together ziplocs of storebought chia seeds and quinoa, unsure if they would sprout at all. The chia did, the quinoa may have - it unfurls when you cook it, and so I won't know if they're plants or just uncoiled dried husks until some days have gone by, I planted them in tiny planters made of toilet paper rolls cut up and stuff into the bottom of plant pots.

I keep stopping to be appreciative of my ability to self isolate like this, and still get groceries delivered and still have power and water. I really fucking hope they allow workers in this country to start wearing masks. I doubt they will, and things are going to get very bad

7:19am

23 MARCH 2020

This past month has been a bit unbelievable. To the point that I didn't even really want to speculate to myself to much because I was scared of being right or jinxing myself and/or the universe around me.

The government here seems to be going for a let-it-burn/herd immunity tactic, without really admitting that's what they're doing. I worked for a little while, freaking out the entire time as the infection rates went up and the certainty that there were infected people out and about causing community spread increased. I could not resist voicing my concerns to store leadership, especially in light of the fact that the company is not allowing employees to wear personal protective equipment like face masks, even if we bring our own from home. I called out a couple of times. Eventually they announced all absences would be excused and after getting an unofficial blessing by my store leadership and my team leader that I could stay home, I holed up and did so. That was six days ago.

The first day I actually risked going to the park at Key Biscayne with my boyfriend, since I knew I wouldn't see him again for a long time and (aside from traveling in a car together, which we did with the windows down) it was a fairly low risk activity. There were still tons of people around, but it was beautiful out and it felt wonderful to be with him. We talked about going to Big Cypress park, but I convinced him it would be too risky. I felt bad enough about the park the day before. Even with low risk, should either of us get seriously infected I would have no way of knowing whether it was my fault and would have a hard time enduring the guilt. Especially with our separate households and relatively at-risk people we live with, in addition to not being perfect pictures of health ourselves.

At first, when I was certain I'd still be forced to work and endure risk of infection, I was bitterly jealous of every person I saw posting on social media about going stir-crazy with boredom from being quarantined. What I wouldn't give for a forced lockdown - it would give me a chance to work on every goal I've been putting off; cleaning, creative projects, catching up on reading/tv/movies. Yet once I got the go-ahead to not come back to work, I've spent most of my time just obsessively scrolling looking for news about the virus. Then I regressed to my usual habits of scrolling the usual garbage and just getting high with Star Trek on an infinite stream in the background

I successfully broke out of my slump a bit over the past couple of days. Ernesto was good enough to bring me some potting soil, and a couple of weeks back I splurged on a couple of potted plants at the grocery store. I left them inside and forgot about them where they immediately started to wilt and whither due to my household's habit of never letting any sunshine in. After some research, repotting, pruning, watering, TLC, and a couple of mistakes, they're looking a lot happier. Hopefully they'll continue that way and not suddenly succumb to some error I've commited. I'm also attempting to sprout turmeric and garlic inside, and I'm also seeing if I can get a couple of pieces of fresh celery to root. I bought an entire pound of wildflower seeds in the depths of my depression over the past couple of years with the hazy idea I'd be like a lady in a book my mom read to me as a kid who planted flowers all over here hometown where they continued to grow for years after. In months past I scattered a few handfuls with no results, so yesterday I threw a tiny pinch in a tiny pot and I'm gonna see if they're willing to sprout in proper potting soil. I've had such a brown thumb in years past. I still miss my pachypodium so fucking much, the loss of that plant will forever break my heart. It was so unique and it gave me so many beautiful flowers, and held on through so much neglect. Anyway, messing with my plants (and having my neighbors see me on my white trash looking porch with garbage on it repeatedly) inspired me to rearrange my porch as well, so now it's a cozy little haven. I even got a bit carried away and created a compost jar. I gotta read a bit more so it doesn't turn into a nasty toxic stew

I also made like an inch of progress on a very tedious drawing I started. Also, blogging is always a win. Trying to get back to this on the daily is a good goal, as is daily meditation. I really have no excuse not to do either. Gotta exercise daily so I don't atrophy. Also to clean and start on my creative projects. With the creative stuff - especially writing - it's easy. Don't be afraid to fail. Failing in writing wastes nothing but my time, and even then it's not an entire waste because it's a form of mental exercise and can be a treasure trove of inspiration in the future. As far as working my crafts with finite materials, I have plenty of those now too. It's going to take me ages to run out.

Back on the topic of the coronavirus, I do feel a teensy bit vindicated in a way, but it probably shitty that I feel that way. There was, of course, pretty heavy misinformation being dished out by our government and even a bit by the global community. I did the work to find out everything I could - not that it was work so much as an obsession for my own satisfaction - and I had no patience for the fact that no one else had done their homework or was willing to listen to me. I even doubted. I got pushback not just from coworkers I tried to talk to, but from my boyfriend (who was erring on the side of not wanting to do anything) and my boyfriend (who was erring on the side of not wanting anything to interfere with his ability to do what he wants).

I feel a lot of sadness over my loss of my trip with Ernesto. In 3 days we'd be leaving for a road trip to California for almost an entire month. It was going to be peaceful, no airport, almost entirely off the grid. Just him, me, and the wilderness. I want us to be able to go ASAP, but this is going to burn through all of my savings and PTO. And even then, some experts are estimating this disease to keep ravaging cities and claiming lives for the next 18 freaking months.

It's been hard to enjoy any time I've been holed up, I've been dealing with what I can only presume are stress headaches. I keep having this odd feeling like I'm right about to have to return to work - I've been telling myself that if we could just wear PPE and if they would limit customers in the store, I would feel safe to work. But would I be? I think I have literally an entire month ahead of me. I'm grateful I have this time and the resources to be able to self-quarantine, and that public pressure on my company has forced them to relax their policies enough to allow for it. Not to mention the fluke of fate that I already had all of this time requested off, because if I hadn't it likely would have been a lot harder to get my leadership to let me.

I need to forget about following the news every couple of hours - I know what's going on. I know what it's bringing. I know shit's hitting the fan on a global scale. I need to do self care and enjoy the paradise I live in. I need to be the best, strongest, healthiest version of me

Except now I still feel super sleepy and lazy and uninspired and unmotivated and like I just want to indulge in vices and fall asleep

C'est la vie

6:06pm

3 MARCH 2020

Feeling a bit blah. I have not been able to motivate myself to work on anything. I just get home, feel tired, and sit and watch tv til sleep then more work. Or if I close, sit and watch tv and not do anything til work then sleep. On my days off, the overwhelming pressure of making good use of what little time I have overwhelms me and I do nothing AND feel bad about it because I'm not even tired

I even had a shocking, coldwater kind of feeling that my health is shit and if this virus did kill me, none of my thoughts or ideas would really be out in the world. Any chance I'd had at helping nudge humanity in the right direction in even the most minute way would be lost.

And still I get home today and just sit here, completely energized and not able to shut up, likely able to hammer out SOMETHING, and I just get high and watch star trek. Escapism.

7:12pm

29 FEBRUARY 2020

Coronavirus is becoming a big fucking deal. I'm worried, I'm not prepared. And it's putting into perspective all the things I put off that will come back to bite me in the ass in an end-of-the-world situation - my fucked up teeth and cavities, my breast lump that wont stop growing, all my writing and creative projects. And just all the supplies I need that I don't have

I'm already tired. I want to go to bed right now, I have to get up so early. But if I go to bed now, I'll have to shower when I wake up. I might do that anyway. I just don't feel like it now, I want to go curl up. But this is a situation that isn't like a hurricane, with anticipation and then it's over when it either hits or doesn't. This is a new normal for a while.

Well, tomorrow is a new month. Let's see what happens

7:56pm

27 FEBRUARY 2020

Jesus that time went by quick, can't believe it's been so long since my last entry already.

Went on another wonderful camping trip with Ernesto. I'd forgotten entirely where we were going, since I let him do a lot of planning (he knows parks and the like a lot more, and my laziness wins out since over my desire to do the research myself since it's not like there's ever going to be a park that I hate)

The first day was at Jonathan Dickinson state park here in south Florida. We spent the night, go to see gorgeous iridescent green insects, some blue and grey scrub jobs hopping about the brush. It was a trail leading through whitesand dune scrubland then through saw palmetto/pine forest. As always was the abundant wildflowers and dotted along a tiny stream were hundreds of little red carnivorous plants (sundews, apparently).

As soon as we reached the campsite and got a bite to eat I noticed a big storm cloud rolling right towards us. We got the tent up lickity split, just in time for a huge downpour to start on us. I'd forgotten to bring books, my mobile charger, batteries for our main tent lights (left in my other sack in the truck), or my sketchpad. So we just laid in the relative darkness of the evening rain and enjoyed the sounds, smells, and peace. Took a lovely stroll down the other part of the path which started to lead to a very rural set of houses, with newly installed power lines. We could still hear distant traffic. Gave the area a bit of a feeling like those patches of undeveloped brush in my hometown that were like mini forests in the middle of neighborhoods, right behind people's backyards.

The park was packed with people and less wild than Ernesto had remembered on his previous visit (which was half a lifetime ago for him) so he suggested we go to Ocala National Forest, one of the few parks I've taken the time to look into. It was a few hours driving so it was like a mini road trip, which was nice. It'd been so many years since I'd been on one myself for pleasure, and the spontaneity was wonderful. The area was super rednecky, it looked a lot like Berrydale where my grandparents lived when I was a child, beautiful old pine and live oak forests with little swampy areas and tons of little ponds formed out of sink holes, all full of lily pads. The trail we started on was lined with gorgeous patches of green moss, and there were lichens and even what looked like yellow slime molds everywhere. We saw more scrub jays among the tons of other birds always present.

We started in the afternoon and hiked all the way to sundown, stopping to camp by one of the ponds with a white sand beach around it. Ernesto had brought a propane tank to cook with but found it needed a long lighter to ignite it, which we did not have in our supplies. He suggested we gather campfire to start one and I was hesistant but we did a great job. I actually remember some fire building rules I'd absorbed over my lifetime - I had lighters and hand sanitizing gel in my emergency supplies, and I grabbed a variety of small twigs, big sticks, and a couple pieces of pine with dry dead needles at the end. First we tried just squirting the hand sanitizer on the sticks and twigs which were just heaped together, but then I tried just adding the dead pine needles and lighting those and it worked like a charm. I took charge of keeping the fire going and he took care of cooking. Sleep was very uncomfortable as the ground was on an incline, a mistake I shall not forget. I woke up early and meant to get up but it was quite cold, 55 degrees, and I chickened out. As soon as Ernesto woke up and opened the flap I kicked myself because the pond was giving off the most gorgeous billows of steam and carrying it away on the breeze

The next morning we packed up, showed a couple of adorable insects off the tent to safety (tiny harvestman, two baby stickbugs) and started heading back. On our way, heading down a hill, was a chubby naked man with a tiny penis. He had no tanlines so this wasn't new for him. I darted to the side to walk directly behind Ernesto like a human shield because it was unexpected and frankly my first thought was for my own safety, and the man gave me a hard sideways glance as he passed. It struck me as unlike the usual nonchalance you get from nudists, but perhaps he was new to it. My instinct was that he was a pervert/weirdo using it the nudist hiking as an excuse to make people look at his penis. But nothing came of it, we had a lot of laughs about him on the rest of the trip

We visited the fort at St. Augustine as Ernesto wanted to see it and had fond memories of it from his youth. We strolled the historic area which was lovely and did have a distinctly old timey feel to it. Then we got a hotel, ordered barbeque, and had some wonderful hot showers.

The next day we headed out and went to see Kennedy Space Center, again on a whim and at Ernesto's suggestion. I was fairly excited but not as much as I am to see the woods. I was not anticipating that once I got there, I'd get emotionally overwhelmed. I got choked up walking in and seeing the rockets in person. I cried openly during a presentation and walking some of the exhibits. I thought a lot about everything it took humans to get to that point, all the hopes and efforts, the trials and errors and heartbreaks and failures. The sacrifices both by humans and by unsuspecting animals that couldn't give their consent or comprehend what was happening to them, often suffering terrible deaths. But that it represented one of the best qualities in us - our curiosity, our desire to reach out and touch the unknown and understand ourselves and what's around us as best as we can. It moved me to my core

The drive through the area around Kennedy was also gorgeous. It was largely untouched due to being federal land, and along the road we spotted a bald eagle, a rosette spoonbill, and all sorts of waterfowl and osprey. I saw the fin of a shark or a dolphin just once in the shallows that did not reemerge after we passed

Then he dropped me off, we kissed and said our goodbyes, and I got to enjoy an entire glorious day to myself just lazing around enjoying my ability to do absolutely nothing while only feeling mildly guilty about it. Now I'm in agony as work rapidly approaches

12:02pm

18 FEBRUARY 2020

Feeling kinda blah today. Was a little grumpy, really anxious, got a ton done at work but just wasn't feeling as chipper. Perhaps I haven't been drinking enough water, I was thirsty as hell again today. I possibly have also been abusing kava too much, I've been taking it at work just because I'm bored or because it would be fun to feel more high and not because I feel anxious or frustrated or really need to

Had a rare combined meeting with the entire leadership group so that made me feel freaked out as fuck. As soon as I got home I was tired as hell. I'm sleepy and the night is over and I'm sad because my night is over and tomorrow is work again and my freaking shoes are falling apart and I won't have time to get new ones before work. And it's my own fault as they've been like this for weeks and I just plain haven't gotten around to it

But my roommate is home and cooking a dinner that I got to special request as always and that's really nice and comforting

9:22pm

17 FEBRUARY 2020

It's funny how well my bullet journal seems to be motivating me to at least do the barest minimum things that I haven't been managing despite the incredibly small amount of time/effort required. I've meditated at least a couple of times, and this is the most I've journaled since I started it. God, those were such dark times. It's crazy how far I've come

I've been so thirsty lately. Like, scary thirsty. The other night I wasn't feeling that great and I got so thirsty I was repeatedly slamming water until I was struck with this bizarre feeling like I was getting almost drunk? Not sure if I wrote about it already. All these years of abusing kava and caffeine without adequately hydrating are finally catching up to me, aside from the form of the lump in my breast that has grown three times its original size when I found it. Really gotta do something about that.

And I've got to start writing my thoughts about philosophical and political stuff again. I have so many thoughts I want to work through on so many topics, and it'd be good to have a compendium of them. Plus, it was fun having a website like that to work on again after all these years

Well, my computer is dying as I haven't charged it so I suppposed it's bed time for me. One more score to input into the bullet journal for that teeny jolt to my brain's reward center

10:58pm

16 FEBRUARY 2020

Had another successful couple of days getting shit done at work. Tried a new supplement for focus made out of mushrooms and it felt like it did make a difference. Mushrooms are amazing.

Not much to say this evening. I want to work on my creative stuff but it's been all working or resting but that's it. As it so sadly often is when I work. Talking to people all day really sucks the life out of me

And there's stuff I have to do before the next week is over as I have another camping trip coming up (yay!) I need new boots, I need mosquito net to make a tunneled latrine in the cheap tiny tent I bought ages ago that turned out to be a waste of money, I gotta get my pack in order and make sure I've got all my supplies. And I desperately want to buy some houseplants. Just have to actually find the energy when I'm not at work to get all this done. Sadly, all the energy I have seems to continuously go into work and then some and I'm always left in an exhausting deficit

10:20pm

14 FEBRUARY 2020

Had a super productive day at work today. Stayed late til I was too tired to keep going, helping out with the truck (since my boss made the schedule and forgot to actually schedule a shift to assist with that).

Saw Ernesto for Valentines Day. All we did was stroll the beach, we didn't even get each other anything. I'm still not sure if I should be relieved or worried. I'd honestly not put a ton of forethought into this holiday compared to the last ones and what I did try I put off until the very last minute so of course, I did not finish and showed up to the day empty handed. He told me he was just broke (something I'm also vaguely curious about. I know his car and student loans take up a ton of money, but he doesn't have a lot of other expenses since he doesn't pay rent so I'm wondering if he's up to some weird shit he's not telling me about

Sigh. I hate having to wonder about that kind of shit. I don't like wondering or worrying. Now, I am very tired and it is past my bedtime

2:20am

13 FEBRUARY 2020

So sleepy but wanted to do an entry before bed. Tomorrow is Valentine's. Never meant much to me, but it means a lot to my new guy so I made plans with him. He apparently hurt himself today, though, so we'll see if he cancels on me. I messed up and did not get him a thing and I'm way out of time to do so.

And now I'm going to knock out. Hopefully he forgives me

It was a productive, ok day at work as much as I didn't want to be there. I went home, went straight back out to Michael's to buy supplies to attempt to make Ernesto something. I failed. I'm pooped. Goodnight.

10:50pm

12 FEBRUARY 2020

I gotta say, it has been a pretty great goddamn few days. Today included.

The roommate helped motivate me and went with me to get my taxes done with a professional so I'd get more money back and cashed a check from my insurance I'd been putting off, both tasks I obviously dread.

And I have had some renewed motivation with being creative, playing with this offbrand excel has definitely helped. I really love spreadsheets, the new one I made for storyline plotting is lovely.

On a less happy note, I have not been drinking enough water and have instead been consuming copious quantities of kava and caffeine. And now I feel like shit, my stomach is killing and I've had a massive headache since midday.

9:22pm

11 FEBRUARY 2020

Two blog posts in two days. Hey-yo.

I woke up rested, meditated, bid farewell to my roommate as he departed for work, listened to nostalgic music on youtube for a couple of hours.

And then... nothing, for a couple of hours. Blah. Still dealing with ~~bits~~ a LOT of anxiety when it comes to doing/creating/accomplishing anything. But hey, doing this is something and it is very important.

Even if I havn't been productive as I like, it's been a peaceful day and that's been nice. I even went out and bought some energy drinks and chips without having any awkward/scary run-ins with other humans. Got to do my thing and come back without harassment or incident. Texted with my boyfriend. It's been a nice day.

I can never decide what I want to work on with my free time. I really need to just pick something and then stick to it and stop giving up because I'm 'not feeling it'. I gotta either figure out how to get myself 'feeling it' more or just stop care whether or not I'm feeling it. I don't like the latter option - so much of life is being forced into doing things that suck because that's how we humans have allowed society to evolve. I guess I'd rather find ways to help guide my mindset in the right direction. Once again, the answer is self-care and self-kindness instead of 'being tough on myself' which always just ends up being me being abusive to myself in my own head.

It's nice to being writing in a journal again. I know in the future I'll be glad to have it, just like I'd be really happy to have all my old blogs from back in the day. The small glimpses I've gotten on the internet wayback machine have brought me a lot of joy and even a touch of pride in who I used to be and apparently have always been through my struggles - someone who loves learning, and knowledge, and cares about things bigger than just my own day to day life. And it's ok to give myself credit for that and not feel like I'm being a braggy douche. I mean, it's my own journal after all. No one reads it but me and whatever ai entity and collection of algorithms mines the data from my laptop

Speaking of, I gotta remember to put tape over the camera/mic on my laptop

So now I'm going to decide if I want to...
-Write fiction
-Work on my philosophy writing
-Work on any of my websites, including a new one I just started making to document my nature adventures with my boyfriend
-Draw
-Clean
-Perfume/cologne formulating
-Play with makeup

I can also make jewelry, experiment with new art mediums, take my cat out for a walk, try to organize my supplements so they're usable

I also still need to shop for supplies for my upcoming trip to California with my boyfriend. I also need to buy some plants to improve the mood in my place.

So, yeah, I'm at no lack for things to do to fill my time. And I enjoy all of them. It's just the indecision that fucking kills me. That and my existential dread as I watch the seconds of my life tick away, knowing I can't get them back and I haven't used them wisely

Obviously the most important thing I can work on is my philosophy, I suppose right after that is cleaning, trip prep, and organizing. But then my heart WANTS to do more fun creative stuff like making pretty drawings.

My first instinct after that last sentence was to literally yell at myself in my head and go 'GET IT TOGETHER BITCH' but I stopped and reminded myself, that's not the way. Gotta practice self care, self kindness, self love.

Switched up the dialogue in my head to something I'd like to say to someone like me in my shoes. Funny that the only way I can figure out how to be nice to myself is to pretend I'm interacting with someone else.

Lol I'm a mess. But I'm me! And I'm good. Would I really want to be anyone else? I don't know that I would.

3:42pm

10 FEBRUARY 2020

First update of 2020. Like every entry, I shall lament that I do not write in here more frequently. I tried something that I'm hoping will help.

Things called bullet journals are popping up on social media right now and they seemed fun - especially because of my deep love of data and spreadsheets - so I made myself one. One of the things I wanted to track was my journaling, I think it's very important to keeping a good relationship with myself and keeping my mind clear.

I get hesitant to write in here, because sometimes things get rough and I don't want to spread my misery all over these pages. I also forget that I'm writing for myself, and I need to continue to fight these deep-seated compulsion to always wonder what people will think of what I'm thinking/saying/doing.

This is my place to write whatever I want, no matter what it is. I need to remember to give myself permission to not talk about things I don't want to, even with myself. Full freedom, even within my own mind.

On that note, I'd like to say, I had a pretty nice day. I have a lot to be thankful for. I went into work, things were pretty good, and I got to go home crazy early. I'd had two days off in a row, and now I have two more in a that I got an early start on. I got to see my boyfriend and spend some very enjoyable time together walking, talking, and getting coffee at a little cafe.

My roommate came home and we laughed and joked. Earlier in the day, on a whim, I asked him to make tacos. And he happily did, and they were delicious. We laid around and watched star trek and reveled in laziness and comfort in our home with our kitties. Our home still isn't in perfect shape, but we've made great improvements.

I've been writing more. I think a lot of my stories have promise, even if my technique needs work. I found found some very good tips, and if I keep fighting my fear nad anxiety of failure and trying to find ways to solve my blocks, I might come up with some things I can be proud of. I'm drawing more, and I'm pretty pleased with a lot of my work. I suppose it would be prudent to make myself an art site to commemorate my works. Also, I very much enjoyed making my bullet journal, it came out exceptionally pretty if I do say so myself

AND now that I've finished an entry, I get to tick of a pretty-colored box in my bullet journal! Hurray!

9:22pm